


Rococo

by lunchbucket



Series: Primaverse [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Art, Art History, Established Relationship, Hospitals, London, M/M, Medical Conditions, Medical Professionals, Medical Residency, Professor Remus Lupin, Renaissance Art, Rococo Art, Running, Sequel, Sexual Content, Smut, doctor sirius, relationship angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-01-02 21:10:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 75,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21167930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunchbucket/pseuds/lunchbucket
Summary: SEQUEL to Primavera.





	1. The Blue Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all, this fic is the sequel to Primavera, set about two years later. You should really read Primavera first if you haven't already, not only because it is my favorite, but also because it will help you understand this one much better :). Have a fun time now!

“Babe.”

Sirius didn’t comprehend what he had just heard. The soft sound felt far off and he was warm and relaxed and not in tune with anything other than that. He let himself fall back into that serenity, melting deeper and deeper into it. It had been at least a week since he had felt this tranquil and he didn’t think there was anything that could pull him out of it—

“Babe, you need to get up,” the voice broke through again, and there was a weight on his shoulder along with it this time. “We need to leave in less than an hour.”

And then Sirius was awake, and he remembered. 

“Fuck,” he mumbled hoarsely. “Fuck, I’m sorry Rem.” Sirius felt discombobulated as he opened his eyes, trying to regain his consciousness. He sat up quickly, too quickly, and looked around the room frantically. Remus was sitting along the edge of the bed next to him, already dressed and ready to go. “I haven’t even packed yet. Fuck, I’m so sorry, Rem,” he added in a groan. 

“It’s okay,” Remus said in a breathy laugh that made Sirius realize he may be overreacting, which tended to happen when he was pulled out of sleep prematurely. “I packed for you last night.”

“Oh, thanks,” Sirius rubbed at his eyes for a moment. “I fell asleep early last night didn’t I?”

Remus pushed a strand of hair out of Sirius’ face. “You were out by the time I got home.”

Sirius groaned. He felt worse now. “I’m sorry,” he said as everything from the day prior came back into his memory. The plans they had made for that night which Sirius had apparently slept through. He had passed out as soon as he had gotten home. “I didn’t even shower. I need to shower, I’m disgusting.”

“Sirius,” Remus pulled him closer to him and lowered his head to kiss along Sirius’ neck, something Sirius would usually enjoy when he wasn’t so damn flustered, “it’s okay. We have tonight.”

“Remus, your parents are not my biggest fan as it is. I’m not having sex with you while we are in their house,” Sirius muttered, and when Remus laughed in response, Sirius didn’t find the humor in it at all. “I need to shower,” he repeated as he shifted his body over, away from Remus, and stood up out of the bed. 

“I’ll pack the car up while you shower,” Remus called as Sirius stripped his boxers off in the bathroom. At least he had had the wherewithal to change out of his scrubs the night before. “Stop stressing, the only thing you need to do is get ready. I’ve taken care of everything else.”

Sirius turned the shower on and stepped under the harsh spray of the water before it had even heated up. He’d gotten comfortable with extreme levels of discomfort since starting his residency in emergency medicine — sleeping at a hospital more often than at home had the tendency to do that to a person — and he’d also become too short on time for luxuries like hot showers on most days, so it barely even bothered him at this point. Plus, it was sure to wake him up, and hopefully bring him out of whatever funk he was in along the way.

Forty-five minutes later found the rental car packed up with one medium-sized suitcase, a small cooler full of breakfast and waters, and Remus driving the two of them to the outskirts of Swansea where he had grown up. They would battle some traffic getting out of London, that was always expected, but it would be less than a four hour drive before they reached Remus’ parents’ house. 

“You can sleep, you know? I know you had a long shift yesterday,” Remus suggested easily as he turned the volume of the music down.

“You wouldn’t mind?” Sirius asked as they hit a stoplight.

Remus laughed lightly and placed a hand on Sirius’ knee. “You’re spending your precious day and a half off visiting my parents with me. You can do whatever the fuck you want.”

Sirius took a drink of the coffee that Remus had ready for him by the time he had finished getting dressed. It was dark and it was strong and damn, it was nice to have the opportunity to enjoy a proper cup of coffee. A rare luxury these days.

“I think I’ll be alright, thanks to the coffee and… what was it, 12 hours of sleep last night?”

“I got home at 8 and you were passed out on top of the covers.” 

Sirius groaned. “So much for even trying to schedule sex.”

“I think we called it a ‘romantic dinner in,’” Remus corrected him.

“Oh please, we know both knew what that really meant,” Sirius laughed softly before blowing on his coffee, out of habit more than anything.

“I had your favorite mediterranean foods all prepped in the fridge too. All I needed to do was grill up the chicken,” Remus gave him a quick look before the light turned green and he drove through the intersection.

“No,” Sirius groaned, elongating the word as he tipped his head back against the headrest. “Don’t tell me that, I already feel terrible enough about it all.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Remus smiled, and Sirius felt a swoop in his stomach because, well, he had a thing for that smile. And then he smiled too. “You’re in your medical residency. You maybe get one full night’s sleep a week. Did I want to have a night to ourselves that ended with me fucking you into the mattress? Absolutely.” Sirius smiled wider. He loved this man, he always did, but fuck, there was something about those words coming out of that proper mouth of his that made Sirius love him even more. “But was I happy to see that you were finally sleeping in our bed after the last two weeks you’ve had?” Remus tacked on. “Fuck yeah, I was.”

Sirius hummed and took another drink of his coffee, his mood better now, but there was still a lingering something, like there always seemed to be these days. “So what’s the over-under of how soon after we arrive that your mum gives me that look?” he asked.

“What look?” Remus asked, and Sirius had to consciously keep himself from snorting.

“The one that practically screams, ‘Oh, you’re still around?’ or ‘My beloved only son picked _ you_?’ or ‘Well, look at him, he’s a baby, this won’t last.’ Take your pick.”

“She does _ not _ hate you, Sirius. Get that out of your head.”

“Maybe she doesn’t _ hate _me. But I can’t say that we’ve ever had a positive interaction.” Sirius stated, and he was glad that he and Remus had the type of relationship where he could say these things so openly without Remus taking offense. “Sirius Black, letting parents down since the day he was born.”

“Alright, put the dramatics away please,” Remus laughed, but Sirius saw that subtle roll of his eyes along with it. “I know they haven’t exactly… warmed to you yet--”

“Your dad asked me if I was old enough to drink the last time I saw them,” Sirius deadpanned. “I’m a fucking doctor. Unless I was some child genius -- which I can assure you I was not, James would happily tell you that if you’d like a confirmation -- then I am, at the very least, 26-years-old. And your dad is a smart man, Rem. He is aware of this, and yet he decided to make that comment. A comment that also insinuates that you are a pedophile, by the way.”

“That’s fair,” Remus admitted with a sigh. And they had just hit a bit of traffic now, so that didn’t help either. 

“It gets old, so forgive me for my reticence.”

“I know,” Remus squeezed at Sirius’ knee and Sirius placed his hand on top of his. “I don’t know what to say about it. Thank you for coming anyway, it means the world to me. And they will warm up to you eventually, I know it.”

“And if they don’t?” Sirius asked, his voice slightly cracked, and he was surprised at himself. It was something that had haunted his thoughts ever since he had met them for the first time — when things hadn’t gone as he had envisioned — but he had never brought it up so blatantly before.

“Are you really that worried about it?” Remus’ voice was more concerned now.

“Uh, yeah?” Sirius answered, and something about it made him uncomfortable, like he was missing something. “They are important to you.”

“You know that it ultimately doesn’t make a difference to me, right? In regards to us?”

“It does on some level,” Sirius countered because he knew how much Remus loved his parents. It would be silly of him to believe that it didn’t matter at all.

“Of course I would _ like _for them to actually give you a proper chance, I know they will love you when they do. But even if they never do that, it isn’t going to change anything. It’s not like their skepticism—”

Sirius snorted. “That’s a kind way to put it—”

“—makes me rethink anything,” Remus continued, unfazed. “They are my parents, yeah, I love them. But I’m almost 40-years-old now and you are my future. It’s not something I would ever think twice about.”

Sirius bit down on his lip. “Even though I fall asleep before you can grill the chicken that you prepped for me?” It was a joke, but it also wasn’t at the same time.

“Because you had been up for 27 hours literally saving lives in the A&E? Yeah, I’ll deem that to be acceptable.” Remus pulled his hand off of Sirius and placed it back on the steering wheel to merge the car into the right lane. “But maybe try to shower before you fall asleep next time. Hospitals and bodily fluids and that sort of thing, you know?” Remus added with a quick look over at Sirius — a grin brightening his face — before he quickly turned his gaze back to the road.

“Not my proudest moment, I’ll admit,” Sirius laughed as he looked out the window to make brief, awkward eye contact with the cabbie next to him and then quickly turned his head back forward. “I’ll put the sheets in the wash when we get back to tomorrow, before I leave for my shift.”

Remus hummed, and then was quiet for a moment. “Listen, I know it’s a lot to ask,” he started again, “especially with how they have been in the past, but please keep trying with my parents. Just keep being pleasant, alright?”

“What else do you think I’m going to do?” Sirius laughed, but not because it was funny. 

“I know. I know. I just had to say it,” Remus replied, quieter than he had been before.

Sirius hummed, deciding it was better not to say anything further on the subject, and turned the volume of the stereo back up again. Remus had put one of his playlists on and Wilco flowed through the speakers. They were still in traffic and the music had a lulling effect. Sirius decided to take Remus up on his offer and leaned his seat back to close his eyes. He hoped that this trip, at the very least, would help him catch up on sleep.

Three and a half hours later found them pulling up to Remus’ childhood home. Sirius had been able to get a couple of hours of sleep and woke up to one of Remus’ comedy podcasts playing through the speakers of the car. The two of them stayed quiet during the last hour of the drive, except for the occasional laugh or comment about whatever the podcast host had said, and overall, it was a quick and easy trip.

Remus’ parents owned a nice plot of land, Lyall had built the house with the help of Remus’ uncles before Remus had been born, and they had lived there ever since. It was warm and a little drizzly out, typical UK weather. Hues of green and gray surrounded them from every direction, only broken up by the brown tint of the Lupin's two-story home.

“Ready?” Remus asked him as he put the car into park and looked over at Sirius, and Sirius could sense his excitement, which was sweet.

“Absolutely,” Sirius smiled back at him, hoping that this trip would surprise him given his low expectations, and unbuckled his seatbelt.

Remus leaned over, placed a hand on Sirius’ cheek, and kissed him soundly. “Thank you for coming with me.”

“Of course I came with you,” Sirius said, his voice sounding off kilter, even confused. “It was never even a question.”

“I know.” His hand slid into Sirius’ hair and he kissed him again. “That’s why I’m so grateful.” 

Sirius pulled back, feeling a little strange for a reason he couldn’t put his finger on, and pulled the handle to open his door a bit. Remus raised his eyebrows, confused now too, but for Sirius, it didn’t feel like the proper time for affection. Not while sitting outside of his parents’ house while he was on edge, like he would be the entire day most likely.

“Shall we go?” Sirius asked simply. Pleasantly

“Yeah,” Remus’ eyes flickered across Sirius’ face and landed on his eyes. “Let’s do it.”

In the next moment, they both got out of the car, and the slamming of the doors must have been a giveaway, because Hope and Lyall were coming out of the front door to greet them less than 30 seconds later. Sirius stayed at the trunk of the car, unloading their shared suitcase, as Remus made his way over to them and a couple rounds of hugging commenced. 

Sirius was surprised that after the immediate joy of seeing Remus wore off, both Hope and Lyall greeted him with a smile and a hug each. That was an improvement, he thought, and he did his best to reciprocate gratefully. They made their way into the kitchen where Hope had prepared lunch, tea, and even coffee, which had they gotten “just for Sirius”. He couldn’t help but wonder if they had magically come around on their own accord, or if Remus had something to do with it. Either way, at least he had coffee this time.

“Mum, I’m going to take the suitcase upstairs and then I’ll be right down for lunch,” Remus said as Hope poured Sirius that cup of coffee. “The guest room, right?”

“That’s right, it’s made up for the two of you,” she said casually and Sirius suppressed a look of surprise. Remus made his way upstairs and Sirius knew for sure that a conversation had taken place that he hadn’t been aware of until now.

The day passed, and Sirius would even consider it pleasant for how happy it seemed to be making Remus. It was a low key visit, a lot of catching up, and Hope and Lyall beamed as Remus told them stories about teaching and his upcoming curriculum for the class he was teaching on the Baroque era this semester. They adored him, it was the most obvious showing of love that Sirius had ever seen, and it made Sirius’ heart burst and hurt all at once. There were probably a lot of reasons for that, but he pushed those feelings back down like he always did. 

Around 3pm, Remus took a couple of hours to fix the things around the house that his parents had been having trouble with — changing lightbulbs that required a ladder, re-aligning doors, bringing Christmas decorations down from the attic in case he didn’t make it back before December — and Sirius had a chance to get some paperwork done for the hospital before they all reconvened for dinner. There was an ease to it all that felt wonderful, no tension that Sirius could feel, but he couldn’t keep himself from wondering if it would be enough for Remus like this. Laid back and fine, but lacking enthusiasm and that certain _ something _he knew was missing.

Hope had prepared a pot roast for dinner, along with all of Remus’ favorite dishes, which was cute and ridiculous and felt like a made-for-tv movie. Remus prompted Sirius talked about his residency and his stories were met with interest — although that wasn’t saying too much considering the accident and emergency department was always one of the most interesting places to be, any day of the week, any hour of the day — but he still filed that away as another win for the day. 

Dinner turned into wine by the fireplace, and Sirius took that as his opportunity to head upstairs and turn in for the night. The guest bedroom was large, one of the two bedrooms on the second level of the house — the other being Remus’ old bedroom — with a queen sized bed and a TV. Sirius took the rare opportunity to watch an hour of mindless television, some reality show about fishing for tuna off the northeast coast of the States that Sirius found surprisingly wonderful, and then decided that another shower before bed would do him well.

He spent at least half an hour in the shower, enjoying the luxury of time and warm water and the full night’s sleep he knew was awaiting him that night. Remus’ parents probably enjoyed the one-on-one time with Remus, and Sirius was glad to give it to them.

He dried off after he was sufficiently relaxed, combed his hair out, and pulled on his boxers and a t-shirt before walking back into the bedroom. It was an extremely low likelihood he would run into either one of Remus’ parents in the five steps from the bathroom to the bedroom, especially considering that their bedroom was downstairs, but he was going to be at least somewhat clothed if he did.

“Hey,” Remus was there, in bed already. The TV was off now, but the lamp next to the bed was on. Remus put his book down on the nightstand when Sirius walked back into the room and looked at him expectantly.

“I thought you’d be up later with them,” Sirius commented as he pulled his t-shirt back off and folded it neatly back into the open suitcase. Remus said nothing, but watched as Sirius crawled into the bed next to him, situating himself under the covers with a satisfied sigh. 

Sirius was exhausted, even after all of the hours of sleep he had accumulated in the last two days. He was always exhausted. But he still wasn’t sure how quickly he would fall asleep. Interactions were uncomfortable around Remus’ family, even though things had noticeably improved. As nice as they usually were on the surface, he knew that he wasn’t the partner they had always hoped for Remus, and that was a difficult feeling to shake off. 

“Come here,” Remus mumbled as he pulled Sirius over to him, wrapping his arms tightly around Sirius and kissing along his spine, starting at the bottom of his neck.

“Rem,” Sirius sighed, not letting himself melt into it yet. There was a lot on his mind.

“I’ve missed you, baby.” His hands moved up and down Sirius torso, covering as much area as they could, and Sirius could feel that he was naked beneath the covers. Naked and very hard against his back. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“Have you?” Sirius whispered, and it turned into a soft moan one when of Remus’ hands moved up to pull less-than-gently at his nipple.

“Mhm,” Remus’ voice was gravelly, the combination of it and Remus’ hands turning Sirius from human into putty in an embarrassingly short amount of time. “It’s been so long,” Remus added with a sigh and a light bite at Sirius’ earlobe.

“I know,” Sirius breathed as Remus tugged Sirius’ boxers over his erection and down to his knees. Sirius rolled onto his back and Remus slid himself on top of his body and Sirius’ breath hitched at the very close contact. “I’m sorry,” he muttered against Remus’ lips.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Remus said softly as he pressed a hand above Sirius’ forehead and raked his fingers down along his scalp. Sirius looked up at him and met his eyes. “Just be here with me now.”

“Yeah,” Sirius whispered. Remus was right. “Yeah, I’m here.”

Remus brought himself back down to kiss Sirius, and groaned into his mouth when Sirius reciprocated, slowly but eagerly, in a way that gave up all control and let Remus take the lead. Sirius melted into it, into him, and when Remus sensed the shift he deepened the kiss and moved a hand down to grasp at Sirius’ cock, fingers dancing feather-lightly around it — barely, gently, so softly that Sirius wasn’t quite sure that Remus was touching him at all.

“Remus,” Sirius whispered as his body attempted to writhe beneath Remus’, but it didn’t really get him anywhere.

“Yeah?” Remus asked, unnecessarily so, between messy kisses along Sirius’ collarbone.

Sirius exhaled shakily. “Don’t tease me.”

And Remus must have read the desperation in his tone because he shifted back up to plant a kiss on the corner of his mouth before pulling the sheets completely off of them and kissing a winding trail down Sirius’ torso.

Whenever Remus topped, which was the majority of the time, he always liked it like this. Some sort of light on, sheets pushed away, all clothes removed. Absolutely nothing obstructing his view of, or his access to, Sirius. Remus had some sort of body worship kink, Sirius had figured that one out over the last couple of years. He wasn’t sure if he had always been like that, or if it was specific to Sirius, but Sirius found that whenever Remus got this way, it sent him into a different world where nothing except the two of them existed.

Remus pulled Sirius’ boxers the rest of the way off and nestled himself in between his legs, leaving a soft kiss on the inside of his thigh before pushing at his calves and maneuvering his knees into a bend and his feet to rest just beneath his arse. 

Sirius closed his eyes and relaxed his muscles, having resigned himself to Remus’ touch minutes ago. He never quite knew what Remus was going to do, but the man could do whatever he wanted as far as Sirius was concerned. There were no boundaries between them when it came to this. And somehow, Remus always knew exactly what Sirius wanted and how to make it happen without Sirius needing to say anything along the way, which made it that much better. 

He twitched as Remus mouth moved from kissing up his inner thighs and settled in with one long lick over his hole. A deep moan was pulled from Sirius’ chest, louder than he would prefer given where they were, but if Remus was concerned about the noise, he gave no indication of it. So Sirius didn’t worry too much about it either.

Remus alternated between kissing and licking and nipping, using his fingers to prod and rub and begin to slowly work him open along the way. Remus liked to take his time, and it was a rare occurrence when he didn’t know exactly how Sirius wanted to be touched and how he wanted to be fucked and tonight was no exception. 

His free hand moved up and resumed that feather-light touch on Sirius’ cock. Sirius’ chest rose and fell dramatically with it all — he hadn’t been this turned on in months, nor had he and Remus had the time together — and it felt so good to be laid out like this, powerlessly, as Remus took charge for the both of them. He allowed it to envelope him, and he felt completely in tune with his body, and yet totally detached from it all at once, only aware of Remus’ one hand stroking his cock and the other pushing into his hole with his tongue right along with it.

“No fucking at my parents house, you said?” Remus’ moderate voice pulled him out of it. 

“Ah…” Sirius couldn’t focus on much more than his breathing as Remus’ hands and fingers continued working into him, around him, only faster now and threatening to drive Sirius completely crazy.

“Because we can stop you know, just say the word,” he continued nonchalantly, and Sirius could feel his eyes on him everywhere. His voice was calm, easy, unaffected, and that was infuriating and unbelievably arousing and Sirius wasn’t going to last much longer splayed out like this. “I just thought that it might relieve some of your stress, to let yourself disconnect for a while,” Remus added before pulling both of his hands away and letting them rest on the back of Sirius’ thighs, massaging at them as he pushed them up and closer to Sirius’ chest.

Sirius groaned at the loss and took a moment to catch his breath enough to speak. “Fuck me,” he managed to gasp, and Remus pushed his length along the cleft of Sirius arse, but just barely. “Please. Fuck me, Rem.”

Remus reached over Sirius to the nightstand and grabbed a small bottle of lube. He coated his cock with it before dripping some onto two fingers and applying it at Sirius’ entrance. Sirius breathed deeply in anticipation as Remus butterflied his legs open, wrapping them around his own waist and letting Sirius’ heels sit just above his arse. And then he pushed himself inside, hands gripping tightly at his hip bones, and Sirius’ back arched up to meet him. The pain-pleasure hit him immediately, but the sound of Remus’ groan, finally affected right along with Sirius, lulled him through it all. He focused on that, as Remus thrust back in and out and in again, the sounds leaving Remus’ mouth, erratic and uncontrolled and volatile — descriptions that never fit Remus except for those glorious moments when he was inside of Sirius, fucking him into total oblivion.

And then Remus shifted, and was lying over Sirius and they were kissing. It was desperate and grounding, and it was real and Sirius loved him. They had issues and struggles and things certainly hadn’t been easy, especially lately. But fuck, Sirius loved him.

Remus lasted a long while longer, eventually coming inside of Sirius and then moving back down to finish him off with his mouth. He swallowed as Sirius came down his throat, his come-coated fingers back inside of Sirius’ arse as he did, rubbing at his prostate, tapping a pattern that never failed to make Sirius squirm with discomfort and pleasure and far more sensation than his body was built to handle. 

“You were fucking made for me,” Remus whispered into his ear as he pulled Sirius against his chest tightly. He managed to reach down and pull the crumpled bed sheets back on top of them, and Sirius felt so spent and drained with Remus’ arms around him and Remus’ come leaking out of him that he knew he would fall asleep in no time at all.

“I love you, Sirius,” Remus continued, squeezing him closer with his bottom arm as his other hand stroked firmly down his thigh. “I love you so fucking much.”

And a soft cry fell from Sirius’ mouth in response, it was all that he could muster, but he knew that Remus knew. Sirius’ love for the other man had been obvious from the moment they had met, and nights like this, when Remus so fully reciprocated it back to him, Sirius felt that words were impossible. But Remus knew, he always had.

*****

Morning arrived and it felt like days had passed for how deeply Sirius had been out the entire time. He felt warm and sore and sticky, which brought the night before right back to him, but when he reached out for Remus, he found the other side of the bed empty. And then he remembered. They were in Wales, at Remus’ parents, and Remus had probably woken up early to spend the entire morning with them.

Sirius reached over to his nightstand to grab his phone to check the time. It was just after 9am — later than he would have preferred to sleep given that he was at Remus’ parents’ house, but not as bad as he had initially thought for how well-rested he felt. He knew Remus didn’t mind though, and that was all that really mattered.

A shower was needed, evidenced by the sticky feeling between his legs, but it would have to be a quick one this morning. He sat up out of bed, stretched his arms above his head, and stood up. He pulled on the boxers from the night before that had ended up on the floor, grabbed a change of clothes he had brought from the suitcase, and headed to the bathroom. 

Twenty minutes later Sirius emerged from the bathroom, refreshed, clean, and prepared for another day of interaction with Remus’ parents. He heard a muffle of voices, it sounded like the three of them were talking in the kitchen or the living room, probably having tea, and Sirius wondered just how early they had all gotten out of bed. When he was halfway down the stairs, their conversation became clear enough to comprehend.

“—seems more subdued. I hope that isn’t due to us.” Sirius heard Hope say, and then Lyall agreed, and oh, they were talking about him. He froze in place.

“No, it’s not,” Sirius heard Remus sigh and he gripped the handrail more tightly. “He’s been like that ever since he started his residency. I’m sure that spending the majority of his time in the A&E is mostly responsible for that.”

“But he seems to like it though, doesn’t he?” Hope asked.

“He does, from what he tells me at least. But I think he’s still adjusting. He doesn’t have any semblance of a normal sleep schedule and he has a lot more responsibility now. He has attending doctors supervising him, of course, but most of the time, the decisions are on him, given the nature of the accident and emergency department. And I know that has been a lot, as it would be for anybody.”

“Ah, yeah. That’ll force anyone to grow up fast,” Lyall threw out and Sirius wasn’t sure if it was warranted, but the comment annoyed the shit out of him.

“He was already grown up, Dad,” Remus replied, voice pleasant but strained now.

“Well, the haircut certainly helps,” Lyall tacked on and that was enough for Sirius. He closed his eyes tightly, walked back up the couple of steps above him, and returned into the guest room to catch his breath. The magnitude of it was small, he knew that, but it was still so familiar and he didn’t need to hear anymore. 

He shut the door to the guest room quietly and began to pack up all of their things. It was a quarter to 10am now, so they would only be staying five more hours at the most, and Sirius would be ready when the time came. He stripped the sheets off of the bed and put them in a pile on the floor — he’d take them down to the laundry room when he eventually decided he was ready to go downstairs — and then sat at the foot of the bed.

“I thought I heard you up,” the door opened and Remus’ voice interrupted his thoughts a couple of minutes later. He looked up and Remus was leaning against the door frame, eyebrows furrowed but a soft smile on his face. He was wearing a Swansea City FC hoodie that Sirius had never seen before. Probably a gift his mum had picked up for him.

Sirius forced a smile on his face. “I just wanted to give you all some time together. I know they miss you.” And Sirius has to hand it to himself, it sounded genuine.

“That’s sweet…” Remus took a couple of steps over to Sirius and kneeled down into the carpet so that they were somewhat eye level, “but I want that to include you too.”

Sirius looked back into his eyes, and found it easier than he would have thought. “Okay.”

Remus kissed him once and then Sirius stood up, moving to grab the sheets he had left in the corner.

“They just started breakfast, and we have a pot of coffee ready for you. Then we are all going to walk along the beach at Three Cliffs Bay for a couple of hours before we head back home.” Remus informed him, his eyes not leaving Sirius, and Sirius knew that Remus was gauging his reaction.

“That sounds great, Rem,” Sirius replied easily. He was genuinely looking forward to the beach.

“Hey,” Remus grabbed Sirius by the upper arm before he could make his way out of the door, “is everything alright?”

Sirius smiled again, but he knew it didn’t reach his eyes, and he cursed Remus for always being so astute. “Yeah, I’m just dreading my shift tonight,” he lied. He wasn’t dreading it at all. The hospital felt like a nice escape right now, actually.

“Are you sure?” Remus asked unconvinced.

Sirius huffed with frustration. “Yes, Remus. Can we go downstairs now? And can you please stop looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m hanging by a thread or something,” Sirius said with exasperation, but he kept his voice quiet, not wanting to be overheard. “I’m not. I’m fine. I’m happy. I’m looking forward to walking along the ocean, so can you let me be?”

“Yeah,” Remus nodded and Sirius sighed with relief that the topic was being dropped. “Let me carry the sheets down though.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and handed them off to Remus before turning around and walking back out to the stairs. He could hear Remus walking right behind him, and he composed himself as he descended down the steps, knowing that he needed to come off more positive and upbeat by the time he reached the kitchen. And he would, he’d gotten good at that by now. 

Breakfast was a nice, with Hope and Lyall almost uncomfortably complimentary of him, and that felt strange given the snippets of conversation that Sirius had overheard, but maybe he was reading too much into it. Hope made sausage and eggs, and Lyall made chocolate chip pancakes. It all looked fantastic, but Sirius’ appetite seemed to have abandoned him and the few bites he took stemmed only from wanting to be polite. However, Sirius made sure that talked. A lot. He showed interest in Lyall’s garden in the backyard, Hope’s book club, and, to really get the Lupins going, any story about Remus that he thought they would appreciate. 

And it all worked. Everybody particularly enjoyed Sirius’ retelling of Remus running into one of his students at the pool in the gym and consequently being nicknamed “Professor di Adamo” around the King’s campus a couple of days later. The cleverness of it was lost on none of them, and Hope had never looked prouder, or laughed harder, and it was infectious to everybody else at the table. Even Remus looked more at ease at Sirius’ seemingly improved mood, but it had been exhausting to pull off. 

“I’m glad I finally got to bring you here,” Remus remarked as they stood along the shore of Three Peaks Bay three hours later. A walking path had led them around the cliffs and eventually to some stepping stones that crossed Pennard Pill, a large stream that flowed into the bay, and the entire scene was completely breathtaking.

“It’s gorgeous,” Sirius sighed as a cool breeze caused them both of them shiver at the same time, and then they laughed at that. “I can’t believe you grew up so close to this. It’s amazing.”

Remus hummed in agreement and wrapped his arms around Sirius from behind, bringing his chin down to rest along Sirius’ shoulder. It was warm and it was romantic and the combination of the touch and the breeze and the smell of the ocean brought a genuine smile to Sirius’ face for the first time that day. 

“Don’t you miss it when you’re in London?” Sirius asked as he leaned his head back to rest on the crook of Remus’ neck.

“No,” Remus answered with certainty. “Life is life wherever you are. It’s nice to have a gorgeous place like this to visit whenever you want, but it never made the quality of my life any different. Plus, everywhere has its own beauty, London is beautiful too.” Remus kissed behind his ear and squeezed him tighter.

“You’re very wise.” Sirius smiled and Remus chuckled into his neck. Sirius reached a hand back behind him and pushed it into Remus’ hair, enjoying the closeness between them. “I need to be more like you,” Sirius mused.

“You really don’t,” Remus responded with a huff. “_That _is something that would change my quality of life for the worse. I definitely need one of you, not another version of myself.”

Sirius tugged as Remus’ hair with a bit of strength, at a loss for what else to do. 

“What was that?” Remus asked with a laugh, and Sirius wondered how the hell he had ever gotten lucky enough to be in this moment. He certainly didn’t deserve it, he knew that.

“You’re just wonderful. It’s overwhelming, so I had to ruin it,” Sirius replied as he looked around the beach, feeling a tinge of discomfort, and he wanted it to go away. “Where are your parents?”

“Hm, they like to walk through the castle every time we come here,” Remus answered thoughtfully, used to Sirius’ ridiculousness by now. “Do you want to go find them?” he asked as he loosened his hold around Sirius.

“Yeah, we need to leave soon, don’t we? So we should probably stick by them for the rest of the time until we say goodbye,” Sirius concluded and continued down the path that presumably led to the castle. They had packed up the car before they’d left for the bay, so they’d be saying their goodbyes here before they headed back to London. “I want you to get your fill.”

“Alright,” Remus agreed and jogged a couple of steps in Sirius’ direction to catch up. Sirius grabbed for his hand and let Remus lead the way, enjoying the simplicity of being outside and appreciating the fresh air around him. 

They spent another hour walking around and enjoying the view. Lyall seemed enthusiastic about giving Sirius a history lesson about it all. And that was nice, Sirius supposed — like father like son, and yada yada. Yet Sirius felt as if there was a wall separating him from everybody else, making it impossible to be himself, making him too worried about saying the wrong thing or the stupid thing, and ultimately, he thought it better to just stay quiet instead. 

Sirius wasn’t sure if it was him or Remus’ parents or just the entire situation as a whole, but by the time they were ready to head back home, he was mentally drained. It had been a good trip, probably. He really couldn’t tell in the moment, he just felt so lost in his head. Unsettled. Yet there was no good reason for any of that, none that he could identify anyway, and he chastised himself for whatever it was that he was feeling as he and Remus got back into the car.

“It was fun, right? You had a good time?” Remus asked after they had said goodbye to the Lupins and Remus had started the car up.

Sirius hummed a sound of confirmation as he pulled his sunglasses off for a moment and ran a hand through his hair. “I need to spend more time outside, I think. It’s good for me.”

“We’re so close to Hyde Park,” Remus offered as he pulled the car onto the road. “Not the most exotic, but it’s an easy thing to incorporate into the days when you have a little free time.” 

“Yeah,” Sirius said with a nod, the idea of running around Hyde Park more appealing than it had been in recent memory. And then a beat later, “I think I’ll sign up for a half marathon.”

Remus laughed. “You’re serious?”

“Uh, yeah?” Sirius answered, put off. He pulled out his phone and searched for upcoming races in London. “Is that funny?”

“No,” Remus answered slowly, and Sirius knew he was becoming careful with his words. “I just know that your free time is very limited right now. And a half marathon is a lot. You don’t want to start a little smaller?”

Sirius didn’t answer, but focused in on a half-marathon in Victoria Park that was two months away. Perfect. He clicked to sign up, and then heard Remus sigh next to him. 

“You’re so far away,” he muttered, and his voice sounded sad.

“I’m right here,” Sirius sighed back, and yeah, there was a lot about this day that was fucking exhausting. 

“You know what I mean,” Remus’ eyes flicked over to him and then back to the road ahead, but Sirius couldn’t find it in himself to respond. 

Instead, he leaned his seat back and plugged his phone charger into the car’s HDMI port to connect it to the car’s audio system. He turned on the next episode of the podcast that Remus loved, hoping that it would keep him from instigating any further conversation, and turned his head to watch the Welsh countryside pass them by.


	2. Blind Man's Bluff

Sirius looked down at the treadmill. He had one more kilometer to go to reach his goal of 8 that day, but he felt like he was fading fast. A treadmill was a sorry downgrade from running outside, but he had plans with Remus after his shift that night. Therefore, he needed to get his run out of the way when things at the hospital were quiet and he actually had the time. So the treadmill was his best bet.

He felt a push against his shoulder and looked over to his left. A tall blond guy was running next to him, and apparently attempting to catch his attention. Sirius had been so invested in the run and the music in his earbuds that he hadn’t even realized that he had a neighbor on the next treadmill over. 

“Yeah?” Sirius asked, panting for breath miserably. Talking while running wasn’t helping anything.

“Let’s race,” the guy suggested with a playful grin as he increased the speed on his treadmill and motioned at Sirius to do the same.

Sirius tried to laugh, but it came out as a huff. “I think I might die if I race you,” he responded, probably louder than necessary thanks to the earbuds still sitting in his ears.

“It’s okay, I’m a doctor,” the guy joked, and Sirius laughed because, fuck it was silly and stupid, but okay, he’d play along. He increased the speed to match what was on the other man’s screen. Plus one.

“Until I reach 8,” Sirius managed to say, and the guy nodded. Sirius turned his head to face straight ahead again. 

His chest felt tight, that was where he felt the pain the most, but it felt good in a way. Good that it hurt now, because it would only make him stronger later. He pushed the speed up another couple of points and pushed his legs faster, just 0.4 kilometers left. The guy next to him had caught up to his speed, and he pushed it up more. Sirius let the movement of his legs pull his whole body into it — into a fluid motion with his hips pushing forward and his arms pumping along with his steps, twisting his waist back and forth along with them — and all of the sudden it felt natural, like he’d broken through a wall. And fuck, he had just run 8 kilometers.

The treadmill slowed down as he reached out to rest one hand on the handrail and used the other to bring the speed back down to a walk. A minute later, the stranger next to him did the same to his.

“That was good,” Sirius looked over at him to say, pulling out his earbuds, and he felt a smile pulling at his face. “I was dragging my arse on that last kilometer but I broke through there at the end.”

“Competition can make it more fun sometimes,” he said back, reaching for his towel and rubbing it across his face.

“I guess so,” Sirius chuckled. Fuck, he should have grabbed a towel. He pulled the hem of his shirt up and wiped it across his face instead.

“I haven’t seen you in here before,” the stranger said, and when Sirius pulled the shirt down from his face, the guy’s eyes flickered to his face expectantly. Apparently they were going to have a conversation.

“No,” Sirius was still catching his breath. “Signed up for a half marathon recently so it’s a new thing. Trying to figure out how to juggle it still, with my residency and everything else.”

“Trying to make a hobby that doesn’t have to do with the hospital?” he guessed easily, and goddamnit, how had he caught his breath so quickly?

“Exactly,” Sirius nodded as he motioned to the other man. “Clearly you can relate.”

He hummed. “You’re Sirius, right? Sirius Black?” he asked, and when Sirius sent him a funny look, he laughed again. “Sorry, I’m just very observant. I’ve noticed you around the hospital before.”

Sirius furrowed his brows, confused as to how he didn’t know somebody who was already aware of him. “You’re in surgery then? Otherwise I would recognize you too.”

“Transplants,” he confirmed as he stuck out his hand. “Caradoc Dearborn.” 

“Oh, fuck,” Sirius almost choked, because he definitely knew the name, and Caradoc beamed at the display. “You’re just younger than I expected. Of course I know who you are,” he scrambled to say as he took Caradoc’s hand and shook it. “It’s great to meet you.”

Caradoc nodded. “So this is your first half-marathon?”

“Yes. I used to run in university to clear my head, no set routine or anything though, so this is my first real… I don’t know, training program? I found one online, and I know that a treadmill isn’t quite the same as running outside but—“

“Hospitals,” Caracod mused with a shake of his head. “Yeah. I know.”

“You must run a lot?” Sirius asked, and the question felt a little awkward coming out of his mouth for some reason. 

“I do a couple marathons every year. They keep me sane, oddly enough,” Caradoc answered. And well, that was good to hear. Inspiring.

Sirius raised his eyebrows, because he was pretty sure that he understood the sentiment. “Yeah, that’s the real reason I signed up for something. I need to feel like every aspect of my life doesn’t revolve around this place. Like I have something purely for myself.”

Caradoc looked at him for a minute, and if he was evaluating something, Sirius had no idea what it was. “It’ll get better.” 

“The hours?” Sirius clarified.

“The hours, the routine, the interface with patients,” Caradoc ticked off, “which you get a whole lot more of than I do, but it is bound to get easier. You’ll adjust.”

“That’s what my boyfriend tells me,” Sirius huffed with a laugh before taking a long swig of his water. His heart rate seemed to be stabilizing now as he continued walking at the easy pace the treadmill was set at. “He’s a professor at King’s, so he’s got some insight into odd schedules.”

“Yeah, but he’s not at a hospital,” Caradoc answered with apprehension. “It’s such a different environment here. People don’t really understand the pace and the heaviness of it all unless they have experienced it themselves, don’t you think?”

“No doubt,” Sirius sighed as he shook out his arms a bit. And it was true. Working in a hospital was like nothing he had ever experienced before — life and death occurring simultaneously around him, oftentimes dependent on his split-second decision or whether or not he was able to perform a procedure correctly. He never felt like he had a second to catch his breath.

“Well, it helps to make friends here at least — other people who have been where you are, who you can talk to about it. Take advantage of us, we’ve all felt it,” Caradoc offered, his eye contact unbreaking.

“Right, that’s good advice.” Sirius looked back down at the time on his phone. He had a little while longer.

Caradoc shook his head and chuckled. “I can’t believe you only just restarted this running thing. You nearly kicked my arse for a while there.”

“Are you serious?” Sirius asked, perplexed, eyes probably bugging out of his head. He’d been dragging himself the entire way until the last kilometer, and that was only thanks to Caradoc.

“Uh, yeah?” Caradoc answered as if the question were ridiculous. “You’ll get under an hour and 45 easily if you run like that.”

Sirius smiled, begrudgingly feeling a little more impressed with himself than he had been on kilometer five. “Thanks, that’s encouraging.” 

“Sure,” Caradoc answered until his phone started to buzz. He looked down at it for a moment and then back at Sirius. “Hey, I’m getting paged. It was nice to meet you though, Sirius.”

“Oh yeah, thanks for,” he motioned awkwardly to the treadmill, “being my running partner today.”

“Anytime,” Caradoc nodded with a smile. “And I’ll show you some good strength exercises for long runs next time I see you here?” he added as he started walking away backwards from the treadmills, still facing Sirius.

“That’d be great,” Sirius replied as he moved to put his earbuds back into his ears. He had ten more minutes until he needed to shower, and he was going to use every minute of that extra time to cool down. 

The walk on the treadmill settled Sirius’ heart rate down and he moved to the locker room for a quick shower before meeting with his attending doctor to see if anything was new since he had left the hospital floor 50 minutes earlier. He’d had a pretty typical shift so far, thankfully, which was preferable in one way. The hours didn’t fly by as fast, but it meant that things were somewhat calm. And calm usually meant that nobody was going to die. Usually. 

“Dr. Shacklebolt,” Sirius greeted his attending physician after finding him on the floor at the nurses’ station, and Sirius was grateful for his shorter hair at times like these. He was far more presentable fresh out of the shower. 

“Sirius,” Dr. Shacklebolt started as he looked up from the paperwork that he had been going through. “You ready to take the lead on your first patient?”

Sirius raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Absolutely,” he answered and felt his mouth widen into a smile. This was unexpected.

“I thought so,” Dr. Shacklebolt nodded for a moment and then shifted back into his normal stoic demeanor and Sirius waited for the information. “It’s Cedric. He’s back, and it’s worse this time.”

“Oh,” Sirius breathed and his smile faded. 

“Right,” Dr. Shaklebolt sighed sadly, but his voice remained normal. Completely matter-of-fact. “Good case for you, though. I know he likes you.”

“Any hope of a transplant?” Sirius asked, but he had almost been afraid to. It would make the difference between a glimmer of hope and no hope at all, which was far more significant than it sounded. 

“That’s pretty much his only hope at this point,” he responded. “I guess the good news of nearly total heart failure — paired with a young age and a healthy lifestyle — is that it has sent him to the top of the transplant list. So I think that you should be cautiously optimistic, Sirius.”

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded, thinking about how to approach a young man who knew that he was likely going to die. They had gotten along well the times they had interacted before. Sirius always tried to treat him as normally as possible, given the circumstances. But Sirius wondered what else he could possibly do to make the whole experience even slightly less miserable for Cedric. “How much does he know already?”

“He knows all of it,” Dr. Shacklebolt answered. “His life is just waiting at this point. There isn’t much else that he can do.” 

“Right. Well thank you,” Sirius hoped that he sounded grateful, because he really was, “for letting me take the lead on this for now.”

“You earned it,” his superior murmured, and that was as close to a direct compliment that Dr. Shacklebolt would ever give, so it meant a lot. “Give me daily updates. On everything.”

“Yep,” Sirius confirmed as he scanned through Cedric’s chart. His numbers really were dreadful, and they were getting worse at a quickening rate. Cedric probably wouldn’t live much longer than another month with the way that things were trending unless a miracle happened. 

Sirius tucked the clipboard under his arm and shook his head a little, hoping it would give him a little extra strength, and made his way in the direction of his new patient’s room.

*****

Sirius shuffled out of the tube station and turned into Trafalgar Square. It was the perfect time of night to be there, approaching 8pm. The usual crowds had dispersed, leaving the square beautiful and pronounced in all of its architectural glory. The weather was chilly out, and Sirius pulled his suit jacket closer to his body as his eyes scanned the scene, looking for Remus. It was always a bit magical to come to these places, the spots that London was famous for that were often overlooked when one lived there and got busy with work and relationships and life in general. 

The square was lit up, and when Sirius’ eyes moved to the fountain, he found Remus standing there waiting. Sirius smiled at the sight of him, looking down at his phone in a navy blue formal suit under the lights of the fountain and the moon, fitting in perfectly with the sophistication of the architecture, like it was his natural habitat and there would be something missing once he left. Remus always dressed well for his job, never without a blazer and a button up shirt, but tonight was something exceptional. 

Sirius whistled at him obnoxiously as soon as he stepped into hearing distance, and Remus looked up immediately. The look of annoyance that had shown on his face was replaced with a beautiful bright smile that made Sirius’ heart grow at least two sizes larger.

“Hello there, Dr. Black,” Remus greeted him as his eyes took Sirius in. And that was wonderful in itself.

“Professor,” Sirius greeted him coyly, and then pulled him in for a kiss once he could reach. And a beat later, “_di Adamo_.”

Remus laughed against Sirius’ lips and pulled back a moment later, taking his hand instead. “Not here, they’ll never stop teasing me.”

“Hmm,” Sirius started as they walked towards the iconic columns outside of the National Gallery, “what shall I bring up instead then? My opinions on the Mona Lisa? I’m sure that those would go over well.”

“Ah, right,” Remus mused, interlacing his fingers with Sirius’ in a way that made him feel like a prize. “That she looks like a Garbage Pail Kid, was it?”

“Uncooked bread, actually, but I like the creativity there,” Sirius answered, passing a thumb across the top of Remus’ hand. “Garbage Pail Kid works too. More in your age range than mine, but I’m sure this crowd will appreciate it too.”

“Charming,” Remus said with amusement, before he slapped his other hand to Sirius’ arse a second later.

“I’m just saying, Rem, she looks like she’s hiding a dick,” Sirius added nonchalantly, fairly confident it would elicit the reaction he was looking for.

Remus laughed loudly, a sudden, jarring thing, and Sirius beamed. “I think I’ll bring you in as a guest speaker for one of my lectures. A fresh perspective,” he joked, and Sirius laughed too. 

“As much as I would love that, I’d hate to be the reason that you lose your job,” Sirius said pointedly. “I know how you love it so.”

“Ah, good point. If it weren’t for that, your lecture would become a permanent part of my syllabus,” Remus mused. And then a moment later, “How was your day? You seem energetic.”

Sirius hummed. “It was good,” he agreed, “I got assigned a new patient, a good one. I’ll tell you about it when this is over.”

“Oh, wow. That’s great,” Remus reacted with gusto, giving his hand a squeeze.

“And I ran the 8 kilometers that I needed to on one of the treadmills at the hospital. Made a friend while doing it too, which was a nice surprise. I think that’ll help keep me motivated,” Sirius went on.

“Damn,” Remus responded, eyebrows raised. “That’s all fantastic. And you still had energy left for this tonight.”

Sirius squeezed back. They were in front of the stairs of the National Gallery now.

“It’s so bloody fancy, Rem,” Sirius murmured.

Remus wrinkled his nose and nodded, but looked absolutely thrilled with himself anyway. “It’s a lot, isn’t it?”

“A nice change from the hospital,” Sirius continued, the entire ambience bringing him back to a life that wasn’t his anymore. But not in a negative way. It was exciting now, to be a visitor on his own accord. 

A part of the reception was set up on the terrace of the Gallery, with red and white wine on the tables and staff waiting to greet them as they entered. Remus grabbed a glass of white for himself before they continued on into the event inside, and Sirius hoped that there would be some sort of bar inside where he could grab a soda or a sparkling water to keep him somewhat occupied when Remus got inevitably pulled away. And there was also the art to help with that.

“This is incredible,” Sirius tried not to gawk as he looked around. 

King’s was putting on the event to raise money for their humanities programs, and Sirius observed that hosting it in the National Gallery had been a brilliant idea. He couldn’t think of anything that would have been more effective in getting London millionaires to write checks more than being surrounded by pieces of artwork that even Sirius could decipher as gorgeous and monumental and inspiring in ways that transcended even their own artistry. 

“Who knew that you led this life of luxury, Remus.”

Remus laughed through his nose and took a long drink of his wine. “I’m merely a pawn used to gather money for the program. Apparently I can be charismatic when it comes to art history and the importance of keeping it visible and relevant in modern times.”

“It’s true,” Sirius responded earnestly. “A passionate person can make something that was originally uninteresting to somebody suddenly fascinating to them. I would know, I have firsthand experience of your tricks,” Sirius added with a nudge. 

Remus hummed, and it sounded appreciative, before he took a moment to scan the room fully. “Let’s go find you a drink,” he suggested as Sirius followed his gaze to an open bar in the corner of the room. Bless him. “And then I will introduce you to a couple of my colleagues before I have to charm whoever I am supposed to charm.”

“That’d be great,” Sirius said as they walked over to the bar. There was a line there as it was pretty crowded in the Gallery. Everyone around them was dressed so formally that it brought back a lot of memories, but instead of making Sirius feel off-centered, it made him feel accomplished in a way. That he was there on his own choosing, for reasons unrelated to his family, with a boyfriend who took him seriously enough to bring him along. It felt good, and he stood up a little straighter, deciding to enjoy the night for all that it was. 

“When are you speaking tonight?” Sirius asked after he had gotten a sparkling water with lime from the bar. Remus had spent the last week memorizing a short five-minute speech about the positive impact that his university-sponsored travels had had for his curriculum, with the goal of extending the program to include students as well eventually. 

“Probably in about an hour, after Minerva gives her opening address about our department. She will thank everyone for being here and describe the purpose of the night and all that,” Remus waved a hand flippantly. “It’s just something small, and then I’ll be able to get back to you.”

“You don’t have to babysit me, Rem. I know this is a work thing,” Sirius reassured him. It would be easy to stay busy here anyway.

“No, I know,” Remus confirmed before pressing a hand to his lower back. “I just have more fun with you is all.”

“Oh, well in that case, I accept,” Sirius raised his eyebrows before taking a drink.

“Great. Let’s go introduce you around before I abscond into the dark world of schmoozing millionaires with an apparent interest in art,” Remus murmured as he led them in the direction of a somewhat familiar group of people.

The night continued to go smoothly from there, with Sirius meeting and re-meeting the other professors that Remus worked with on a daily basis. He had heard about them all over the past two years, and everyone’s warm welcome was indicative that they had heard of him as well. From there, Minerva led Remus away to meet prospective donors, but Sirius continued talking comfortably with everyone else until the program started about 45 minutes later. 

Minerva got up on the small makeshift stage and spoke first, as Remus said that she would, and Sirius grabbed a couple of appetizers — mostly just olives and nuts as everything else was far too gourmet for his liking — and settled in at one of the tables. Remus spoke next, and from the first word, it was obvious why Minerva had suggested that he should. He was captivating and inspiring simply by being himself and letting his passion shine through. He wasn’t particularly flashy or loud, and to Sirius, that just added to his appeal. Earnest and genuine and so pure. He was perfect. 

Remus got pulled aside once he finished speaking by another group of people, and Sirius decided that it was a good time for him to walk around the museum. He had been to the National Gallery when he was younger, but he hadn’t actually appreciated it back then. Sirius wasn’t completely sure if he would now, but again, it was more fun to be there when he wasn’t being forced, so he was optimistic.

King’s had rented out nearly the entire gallery for the event, everything on the main floor apart from the Sainsbury Wing, and Sirius decided to start in the Van Gogh room given it was a name he was already familiar with. It was one of the more crowded areas, given its proximity to the main hall, but that was fine. He knew he wouldn’t be bothered.

Time passed quickly as Sirius looked at the paintings around him. Van Gogh’s _ Sunflowers _ was in the room, but he was more drawn a painting of a wheatfield and another of two crabs that was appropriately titled _ Two Crabs_. The entire room was dedicated to post-impressionism, and eventually Sirius made his way over to look at a few paintings by an artist that the plaques identified as Georges Seurat. 

The technique of Seurat’s painting was interesting to Sirius, and to his uneducated brain, looked like perfectly placed dots of paint which appeared nonsensical up close, but unbelievably clever from afar. Apparently the technique was called chromoluminarism, and Sirius took a minute to burn that term into his brain to throw into a random conversation with Remus at a later time. It undoubtedly would throw him wonderfully off guard, and he would give Sirius that incredulous look after doing a quick double-take to make sure he had heard correctly. It was such low-hanging fruit, and Sirius laughed at the thought of it happening already.

“Which one is your favorite?”

Sirius was pulled out of his brilliant comedic plans by the warm familiar voice from his right-hand side. 

“Hmmm,” Sirius looked around the room to remind himself of all of it. “I think the Van Gogh wheatfield one over there,” Sirius answered as he pointed to the painting. “It reminds me of _ Starry Night_, but with a field and mountains and trees. It’s very pleasing.”

“_A Wheatfield, With Cypresses_,” Remus nodded and took a drink of his new glass of wine. 

“Van Gogh never got too creative with naming, did he?”

“No,” Remus laughed.

“Did he have a child named Child?” Sirius questioned.

“He did not,” Remus replied with amusement.

“I’m stunned,” he deadpanned, and Remus laughed again before Sirius changed the subject. “Are you done for the night?”

“I am,” Remus grabbed Sirius around the waist and pulled him closer to kiss him right below his ear. Sirius turned his head to kiss him back on the mouth.

“Want to show me whatever you’re teaching about this semester?” he asked when they both pulled away, but Remus’ arm was still around him.

“Baroque paintings? You really want to go look?” he asked with surprise.

“Sure. It would be silly not to while we are here,” Sirius smiled and shrugged. It wasn’t often they had time like this, and it was extremely rare that they were in a museum together. It was an opportunity that should not be passed up, no matter how long Sirius’ day had been. 

“Alright, the Baroque period is in rooms 30 and 31. Do you want to head over there?” Remus gestured to the doorway on the right.

“Lead the way, _ di Adamo_,” Sirius said.

“Would you stop with that,” Remus tried to huff, but Sirius knew that he didn’t mean it. Sirius knew that he actually loved it, at least when it was coming from him.

They made their way through various rooms to get to the North Wing of the gallery — including one whimsically pastel room that Sirius described as “froufrou”, but that Remus informed him was actually called “Rococo” — until they reached their destination.

“This is Baroque art,” Remus’s hands gestured around the room. His voice was more professorial now, for lack of a better word, and Sirius bit down on his lip to keep his smile from getting too wide. “I won’t get too deeply into it, but Baroque art emerged at the end of the Renaissance and is characterized by deep contrasting colors, — as you can really see with all of the dark reds and the opaqueness of the whites — movement, and humanism. In more philosophical terms, it’s represented by Rene Decartes’ famous creed of ‘_j__e pense, donc je suis’, _or ‘I think, therefore I am.’”

“Similar to the Renaissance then? In terms of humanism?” Sirius responded, mostly as a question, but the themes were similar if he was remembering correctly. He looked around the room and noticed the various paintings. A lot of people were depicted in portraits, along with baskets of various fruits and flowers.

“Yes,” Remus confirmed, but his voice wavered, “but not quite. Baroque was further evolved in many ways, and on the path to realism. The themes of the paintings became less blatantly religious in comparison to the Renaissance. The shift had a lot to do with the rise of Protestantism and the idea that religion could be more spiritual and independent than it had in the past. Among the deepest Protestant ideals was the autonomy of individuals from the authority of the traditional Church. Or, in simpler terms, the Church was no longer the one and only intermediary between worshippers and salvation.”

“And as we know,” Sirius cut in — faux knowingness in his voice — and he smiled as Remus laughed and gestured for him to continue, as if he were a guest lecturer now, “that new concept of spiritual independence was undoubtedly reflected in the art,” he continued, having learned how the philosophy usually tied in to it all by now. “Which is why there are more normal people and normal activities being depicted in the paintings.”

Remus paused for a couple of beats, almost looking impressed, and then nodded. “Exactly. Take this painting by Caravaggio for example,” Remus pointed to the large dramatic painting in the center of the room which was identified as the _ Supper at Emmaus _by the plaque below it. “The painting depicts the moment that a resurrected Jesus reveals himself to two of his disciples. The colors are dark, rich, and contrasting. There is theatrical and dramatic lighting. And the sacred figures, Jesus and his disciples, are depicted as ordinary people doing an everyday activity — they are at a table eating.”

“The lighting is stunning,” Sirius threw in because there was something captivating about the use of colors and shading in the painting. “Tell me _ more_,” Sirius prodded, and Remus rolled his eyes, but Sirius knew that he loved it when he did this too.

Remus pulled Sirius close to him as they moved into the room next to them. It was still Baroque art, but from Spain now. “Till that point in Western history, art served a clear purpose or had to carry a message — usually related to morality or spirituality or glorifying rulers and great thinkers of the time — but breaking away from the Church’s command opened the gates of creativity for artists.” Remus paused and pointed to a painting of a lemons in a basket. “If I were a Baroque artist, I am now free to create artwork devoid of any humans, I can paint a basket of fruit, or a landscape, or go back to religious paintings but portray biblical scenes the way I view them, not the way I was instructed to view them.”

“More appealing to the general public, I would imagine,” Sirius guessed. “More relatable.”

“Mhm,” Remus confirmed, and Sirius got the sense that Remus was almost ready to head out for the night, which surprised him, but he continued anyway. “Some described the Baroque movement as ‘art of the heart’, an answer to the Renaissance era ‘art of the mind’ — creativity was opened up in a much broader sense. A Renaissance painter would certainly find nothing spiritual about a fruit bowl.”

“I like the fruit bowls,” Sirius cocked his head and decided. “I feel a deep pull in my soul to appreciate the mundane things in my life.”

“Yes,” Remus laughed, and then he was quiet for a moment, either deep in thought or enjoying the silence. Sirius wasn’t completely sure, but Remus continued a minute later. “Would you like to leave now? I think I’ve had enough art and high society for the day.”

“Whatever you want,” Sirius nodded, surprised that Remus was suggesting that they leave before he did. “Could we grab something to eat though? Something greasy and heavy? I’m starving and the small appetizers didn’t really do much for me.”

“Of course,” Remus smiled as he navigated them through the gallery to get to the exit. “You didn’t want to go full ham on the caprese puffs?”

Sirius snorted. “I did not.”

“I can’t blame you for that,” Remus said offhandedly as he led them through more rooms of art. He knew his way around — Sirius knew that he brought students here as a supplement to lectures all the time — and he seemed to be avoiding the main sections of the museum, the crowded areas, probably in an attempt not to get pulled away by somebody again. Smart man. “But also, to wrap up our short talk on the Baroque—”

“Please do,” Sirius laughed, because he had been a bit surprised that Remus had stopped in the first place. 

Remus glanced back at him with appreciation as they reached the exit. “That unrestrained creativity of the Baroque period pioneered a new concept that was known later in the 19th century, in Théophile Gautier’s words, as ‘_l’art pour l’art’_, or ‘art for art’s sake’.”

“Bless those Baroque artists, then. For their hefty contributions to art and humanity. Otherwise, I never would have realized that fruit could be such a beautiful decoration, or that Jesus actually needed food to sustain his body,” Sirius said.

Remus chuckled, and they made their way out of the building and down the steps back into Trafalgar Square. “Thank you for humoring me. Would you like to just walk towards the river and grab some food from the first pub we pass?”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed as they walked out of the square. “And let’s eat it by the river. It’s cold out, but not too bad. It’s nice enough and I could use the fresh air.”

“Sounds perfect,” Remus nodded, and they made their way in the direction of the river. 

The two of them walked until they found a pub a minute later, and Sirius left with a carton of chips and a large sandwich. They walked until they found a bench that overlooked the river, although Sirius would have been fine just sitting on the sidewalk, and his stomach rejoiced with the first bite of the sandwich. It was quiet between them for a couple of minutes, as Sirius was mostly focused on eating. The London Eye sat across the river — another London tourist staple that had likely gone unappreciated by the both of them — and the view was calming in its incredible beauty, luminous against the dark night sky. It was easy to forget how beautiful the city was when Sirius was so caught up in the stress of working. But in this moment, he remembered. 

“Do you remember when we would spend time together in Florence, and we would do this sort of thing almost every other day?” Remus broke the silence, and Sirius tore his eyes away from the lights of Big Ben to look at him. “Meet for lunch or coffee or whatever when I wasn’t working? Just sit outside and talk?”

“Of course I do,” Sirius nudged Remus’ shoulder with his own. “I was absolutely _ enthralled_,” he tacked on before lifting a chip up and poking at Remus’ closed mouth with it. Eventually Remus broke into a laugh, and Sirius successfully nudged the chip right on in there.

“And now we are here,” Remus mused as he chewed. “More than six years later. Funny how life works, isn’t it?”

Sirius took a large bite out of his sandwich and nodded. “I cannot believe we are here. So much is different now.”

“It is,” Remus laughed thoughtfully, probably from the sound of Sirius talking while chewing.

Sirius swallowed. “I’m so different now, I think.”

Remus cocked his head to the side and looked at Sirius. Really looked at him, like he always did. “I don’t know about that,” he finally said.

“No?” Sirius asked, and it sounded more apprehensive than he would have hoped. “Even though I’m tired all the time and spend my life at a hospital instead of chasing you around a romantic Italian city, begging for you to fuck me?”

Remus laughed and shook his head. “I like this better. It’s real. I like knowing all of you.”

“Yeah?” Sirius breathed, feeling relieved about something he wasn’t even sure he had been worried about. He had been joking after all, at least he thought he had been.

Remus leaned in and kissed him, lips salty and mouth warm. “Yeah,” he muttered and he placed a hand at the small of Sirius’ back. “And you still do beg, you know. Sometimes.”

Sirius smiled at that, feeling the familiar coil in his lower abdomen building too. Everything was so pleasant and easy like this. He kissed Remus harder, aggressively, and then concluded it with a playful bite at his lower lip.

Remus breathed out a laugh and smiled at Sirius as his thumb came up to rub where Sirius’ teeth had just been. Sirius smiled back before taking another bite of his sandwich. 

“Tell me about your new patient,” Remus asked.

“Congenital heart failure,” Sirius spoke as he chewed. “He’s a 24-year-old who has been in and out of the hospital for as long as I have been there. Been hoping for a transplant for years.”

“Oh, you’ve told me about his before. What’s his name again?”

“Cedric,” Sirius answered after a swallow. “Really nice kid. But he’s not really a kid at all actually.”

“No. Not too much younger than you,” Remus observed.

“But it feels like he’s so young, much younger than the five years between us. Maybe because he hasn’t had the chance to really live. He’s so weak, and there is so much that he could do if he wasn’t,” Sirius explained, his voice less sad sounding than the topic deserved. It was a ‘skill’ he had undoubtedly been developing thanks to life in the A&E. “I don’t know what’s worse, seeing Cedric so weak or seeing how much it breaks his father’s heart to have him wheeled in an out of the hospital every two weeks or so.”

“Not the life he had planned for his son, I imagine,” Remus opined, looking straight ahead across the river now.

“No,” Sirius exhaled with dejection. And he didn’t elaborate, because he knew that Remus understood. They sat in silence for a while. Sirius contemplated why such awful things often happened to families that didn’t deserve them, and he imagined that Remus was doing the same. A sad mystery of life that seemed to rear its head far too often.

“And he’s gotten worse?” Remus eventually asked with apprehension, and Sirius’ heart burst for how genuine his concern was.

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded matter-of-factly. “I won’t get into the medical jargon of it all but his heart is functioning minimally now. Which of course is terrible, but expected given his condition. Although it does have a silver lining in a way.”

“Puts him near the top of the transplant list?” Remus guessed correctly.

“Yes. So we are going to keep him at the hospital until a heart becomes available. Could be any time… but he isn’t doing well, so—“

“It’s a race against the clock,” Remus finished for him and then punctuated it with another loud exhale. “I don’t know how you do it.”

“Do what?” Sirius asked.

“Handle being near death so much. Hospitals can be so bleak, Cedric is just one example. I can’t imagine having to wait around with him, hoping that something comes through and works out... Because,” Remus blew out a puff of air, “what if it doesn’t?”

“I just… I have to. It isn’t a question,” Sirius answered.

Remus crooked his mouth up into a smile, but it was melancholy. “I know,” he affirmed as he lifted his hand to rest on the nape of Sirius’ neck. He massaged at it gently, in the way that Sirius loved, and Sirius wished they were always back in their bed for how tired he was and how relaxed he felt.

“I like hurting for them, I guess. For people who really deserve it…” Sirius paused and blew out a laugh as he shook his head, “if that makes any sense at all.”

Remus was quiet for a couple of moments, but his fingers kept working. “It does,” he said, and then a beat later, “they are lucky to have you.

“You’re so good at that,” Sirius sighed and Remus leaned in a placed another kiss on his temple. “I think it’s good for me too though. It makes any issues that I have seem, I don’t know… inconsequential.”

Remus hummed knowingly, as if Sirius had just revealed something that he had already known for a while now. 

“But you have still have valid issues even if they aren’t life and death. You know that right?” he clarified as his fingers moved up into the bottom of Sirius’ scalp. 

No, Sirius did not know that for sure. It felt far more complex than that, especially when he had a front row seat to people’s suffering every day. But Sirius nodded like he did know, because he didn’t want that pep-talk right now. The night had been so easy, and he didn’t want it to end any differently.

“Because pushing it down won’t make it go away,” Remus continued, voice soft, “even if you do get to ignore it for a while. Those things tend to always come back up at the worst time possible.”

“I know Rem,” Sirius sighed.

“I don’t want to be annoying, Sirius,” Remus said slowly. “I’m not lecturing you. I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you need me. In any capacity.”

Sirius nodded his head again, and this time he really did know. He turned his neck to look at Remus and wiped his hands on some napkins before lifting them up to cup the other man’s face.

“I do know that, Remus,” Sirius affirmed before kissing him languidly, trying to express a fraction of his feelings against Remus’ mouth. And then he pulled back a bit. “I just have to process a lot of things on my own these days before I talk about them.”

“What changed?” Remus asked not a breath later, like he had been waiting for the right moment to ask, and Sirius avoided meeting his eyes for how forlorn he sounded. “You used to tell me everything you were thinking.”

“I don’t want to put things on you that I can sort out in my own head,” Sirius assured him firmly, and it made sense to him. “I don’t want to burden you.”

“I don’t know what to do, Sirius,” Remus sighed and removed his hand from Sirius’ neck, letting it fall limply on his knee instead. “I don’t even know if I’m worrying about anything real or if I’m completely missing the mark here. But there has been some sort of shift over the last three months or so, I can feel it.”

“It’s just different, Remus. And it doesn’t have to do with you,” Sirius continued resolutely, “You’re amazing. I’m just figuring out how to process things.”

“Yeah,” Remus nodded slowly. “That makes sense in my mind, it really does, but it just feels… _ off_.” He closed his eyes and exhaled loudly, and Sirius wasn’t sure what to say to that. But thankfully, Remus continued a moment later. “But I will lay off about it from now on, it isn’t fair to you to blow it out of proportion.”

Sirius reached over for Remus’ hand and interlaced their fingers together. “It’s nothing personal, I promise. It’s me, navigating this crazy new life I have that is nothing like I envisioned it would be,” he explained and then leaned his head to rest on Remus’ shoulder. “But I know, Rem. I know that I can talk to you if I need to.”

Remus hummed in acknowledgment and then laid his own head against Sirius’, and Sirius read that as acceptance. They stayed like that for awhile, enjoying the errant sounds of passersby, the contrast of the lights against the sky, and the calmness of just being there and leaning on each other. Sirius closed his eyes and felt as his breathing began to deepen. 

“I’m going to call for a cab,” Remus’ voice broke through, and then his body shifted slightly, but Sirius didn’t mind. “Let you get a full night of sleep tonight.”

“I haven’t heard about your day yet though,” Sirius murmured. “I don’t even know what ridiculous question that crazy girl—”

“Luna—”

“—asked today. Or if someone stole your lunch from the staff refrigerator again,” Sirius continued nonsensically, but he smiled because he could feel Remus’ laughter as his head moved up and down with the shake of his shoulder. “I need to know these things.”

“The lunch thief is still on the loose, unfortunately,” Remus offered, corner of his mouth turning up. “But hell will rain down on them when I discover their identity, be it the last thing I do.” 

“Rightfully so, Hamlet,” Sirius whispered dramatically.

“And Luna was rather quiet today actually,” Remus nodded.

“That’s a shame. She’s my favorite,” Sirius whispered now, voice hoarse with fatigue. “Doesn’t she know that I live for her crazy conspiracies? Doesn’t she know that I’m counting on her to get me through life with her detailed explanations of how the Illuminati shaped art history?” He wasn’t sure if the last bit was even understandable, he’d given up proper articulation somewhere in there.

“Mhm,” Remus mumbled against the side of Sirius’ head as he planted a kiss there. He didn’t pull away, but instead rested his mouth and his nose against Sirius’ hair and Sirius let the relaxation wash over him. It was cold outside, but he was warm with Remus this close to him. 

“Cab’s here, babe,” Sirius heard Remus say, and he shook himself out of the light blissful slumber that he had fallen lightly into. Remus stood up first, slowly, and then offered Sirius a hand. Sirius took it and made himself heavy, for a laugh — which Remus gave him easily — and then stood up and planted a firm kiss on Remus’ mouth before they made their way home.


	3. The Happy Lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Head's up: hospital talk + mention of drugs

Another few weeks passed, aspects of it flying by — particularly anything related to Sirius’ time spent with Cedric, as it seemed like there was never enough time for somebody who needed more of it — and other aspects moving at a snail’s pace. Shifts had felt longer than usual, and after the event at the National Gallery, it seemed as though Sirius’ schedule was the opposite of Remus’, the two of them only seeing each other while the other was sleeping, and even that proximity felt like a luxury at this point. 

But Sirius kept his nose to the grind, shutting off that part of his brain that was screaming for life to slow down a little, for him to catch his breath, and he put whatever discomfort he was feeling into his running. The half marathon was happening just a couple of days after his 30th birthday, and it felt like a positive way to enter into a new decade. Not that he gave much power to a number, but having a goal to focus on outside of the hospital seemed to provide him with the healthy outlet that he had been looking for.

“Ah, you made it,” Caradoc greeted him as Sirius entered the gym, a towel slung over his shoulder and wireless headphones hanging around his neck. 

“Been kind of quiet for me lately out there,” Sirius shrugged as he walked over to where Caradoc was standing. The gym was nearly empty apart from the two of them, with only one woman using the squat rack in the corner. “Not quiet in the sense that we aren’t busy. We are always fucking busy, I knew working in the A&E would be hectic, but fuck. I’m lucky to have this time away for the gym, but I’m not seeing anything I haven’t seen before. Which is good and bad, I suppose.”

“Maybe it just means you’re getting the hang of it already?” Caradoc suggested as he refilled his water bottle from the watercooler situated along the wall.

Sirius’ head gave a little tilt, and he could not suppress the tug at the corner of his lip. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get the hang of asking a person what exactly they shoved up their arsehole, but at least it keeps things interesting you know?

Caradoc laughed loudly. “And _ that _is why I am a surgeon. Right there, that’s it.”

Sirius felt spurred on after the woman at the squat rack shot them a particularly annoyed look. “What? And miss out on subduing drunken shitheads who try to attack you as you attempt to save them from bleeding to death?” Sirius let out a huffy noise full of disbelief. “You’re missing out, man.”

“I must be crazy,” Caradoc agreed with feeling.

“Clearly. And you know what else has been great?” Sirius posed.

“Tell me, I am enjoying this new perspective,” Caradoc said.

Sirius went on, “I’ve become a master at reading bullshit? Why the fuck do so many patients lie? Blood tests don’t fucking lie, the truth is going to come out in the end, mate.”

“Oh, fuck that,” Caradoc offered.

“Exactly. And I have to give the same lecture every time, because so many people think they can get away with it. Do you know how much energy and time and resources are wasted because people can’t just come out and tell me they are high on something?” Sirius explained, “Really, fuck meth and fuck the lies. My workload would be cut in half without the two of them.”

“You think you’ll get burnt out by that?” Caradoc asked.

Sirius grinned with satisfaction. “Never. It’s all worth it when you get the right patient. Plus, I like the chaos. I love the unpredictability and never knowing what I’m going to see each day. Keeps me on my toes.” Sirius paused for a moment and laughed lightly at the impressed nod that Caradoc was sending him. As if the other man wasn’t a complete genius in his own right. “I just wish some positive news would come through that could send Cedric over to you for that new heart he needs. If that could happen, all of that other annoying shit fades away.” 

“I am hoping for nothing more,” Caradoc replied as he nodded over to the corner of the gym where the mats for stretching were set up, and Sirius gave an embarrassed laugh because yes, there was a reason that they had met at the gym other than to discuss the not so glamorous aspects of Sirius’ job.

The two of them had been meeting together nearly every day that they were both working a shift since they had met on the treadmills a few weeks ago. They had fallen into a quick routine that always involved at least a quick update of whatever cases they were handling while they warmed up, but usually when they got to the treadmills, the conversation ceased and the sweating began. 

“Have you been working on the stretches?” Caradoc asked with a quick squeeze of Sirius’ shoulder.

Sirius groaned, causing Caradoc to laugh. The bastard, he knew. “I hate them, but yes,” he murmured as he crossed one foot over the other and winced as he leaned down to touch his toes. 

“It will get better. And don’t round your back like that,” he offered as he easily moved into the same stretch as Sirius, but the discrepancy between the two was painfully obvious. Actually painful, in Sirius’ case. But Sirius didn’t like not being good at things, so he stretched down a little further. “We still going for 10k today?”

“Yes,” Sirius confirmed as he glanced at the timer on Caradoc’s phone and the two of them remained quiet until a minute had passed and then shifted to stretch their other legs. Who knew that stretching would make even running feel easy. “I’ve got the next hour and 15 minutes free, so we can fit 10 in at the very least, and then whatever extra exercises you must have planned, given that you are satan and all.”

Caradoc laughed silently, and his eyes looked up at Sirius with… appreciation maybe? Amusement? At least Sirius was entertaining, he figured. He had to contribute something to this training partnership and he still hadn’t figured out what that was yet, beyond blind participation. 

“You’re not going to complain about the lunges and squats so much when you feel how powerful your strides become in a couple of weeks,” Caradoc assured him as he moved into a low lunge, sending Sirius a knowing look as he followed Caradoc’s lead. “Not to mention how great your arse is going to look.”

Sirius laughed in surprise. “Well now you’re speaking my language, Doc,” he remarked happily as he pushed his full weight into the stretch, not even minding the burn in his hamstring after that comment. The man had made a great point. There were benefits to this whole gym thing that he often forgot about when he felt out of his element.

“So how are you?” Caradoc asked conversationally as he began a round of air squats, that Sirius moved into as well. They held at the bottom of the squat, moving their weight from heel to heel in an effort to strengthen their ‘mobility’. “Besides all that fun shit you just mentioned about arseholes and meth and bodily fluids?”

“Me? Oh, I’m fine,” Sirius shrugged the question off before instinctually turning it back on Cardoc. “How are you doing? Any big surgeries coming up for you?”

Caradoc looked at Sirius with skepticism. “You’re deflecting. How are you really doing?”

Sirius snorted softly. “Christ, you sound like Remus.”

Caradoc’s eyebrows shot up a centimeter and his mouth twitched in amusement, but he kept to the point. “I needed someone to talk to when I was getting used to all of this. I know how it goes.” He shrugged before sinking down into another deep squat. “Is this your first case that might not end well?” he continued bluntly and Sirius ultimately decided that it would be easier to go along with the conversation than to try and fight it.

“I’ve had patients die before, of course I have,” Sirius answered slowly, because that must have been what Caradoc was really asking. “And those times were jarring, of course, no matter how much I knew it was inevitable given where we work. But no, never a long-term patient, never one that I have really gotten to know. Not yet,” he added with a tinge of moroseness.

Caradoc hummed in understanding, bringing his arms into the stretching process now, bending one above his head and using the other to pull the elbow close to his ear. A vague thought entered into Sirius’ mind that he would be quite thrilled if his body began to develop similar muscle tone. Maybe it already had.

“It’s weird isn’t it?” Caradoc continued. “How death is an ever-present reality in _ everybody’s _ life — not just for us — it’s literally the most common occurrence in life, the _ one _thing that binds every person and living thing together. What do an ant and I have in common. We are both going to die. And yet, it’s still a shock to the system every single time. It’s still so taboo to most of the population, which is bloody insane when you really start to think about it.”

Sirius shook his head and sat down on his butt before lifting his arms up into the tricep stretch. “It is weird. A universal truth that a lot of us try so hard not to think about until we absolutely have to, as if ignoring it will make it less inevitable. And the pain it leaves behind never seems to go away… always lingering there as a reminder, and yet it’s still just as painful the next time it happens. Nothing prepares you for it, I know that for sure.”

Caradoc furrowed his brows and sat down on the mat next to Sirius. “You aren’t talking about a patient are you?”

Sirius hummed sadly. He’d already given himself away anyway, but something about that realization didn’t feel all that bad. “My younger brother.”

Caradoc groaned, and Sirius swore that before Caradoc’s hand landed on the mat, it had been headed for his knee. Sirius didn’t think anything of it though. “How?” Caradoc asked further.

“Overdose.” 

“Fuck. I’m sorry,” and Sirius observed that he really did look sorry. A thought trailed into his mind that, as a surgeon, Caradoc had undoubtedly become well acquainted with conversing about bad news in a sympathetic way. “How long ago?”

“Seven years,” Sirius answered and immediately felt a shiver run up his spine as he heard his voice articulate the answer out loud. So matter-of-fact, finally, it only took all of those seven years to get there. “It’s strange. Seven years seems like so much time as passed, you know?”

“It does,” Caradoc empathized.

“But it feels like a lie. I’m different than I was seven years ago. I’m a bloody internist now, how the fuck did that happen? But in my head, he’s just exactly the same as he always was,” Sirius paused as he stared ahead, out the window of the hospital where the sun was just starting to set and hues of gold and orange filtered in through the blinds. “He didn’t get the chance to become who he was meant to be, but he’s always there and I miss him just as he was. Young and stupid and naive and still so wonderful.”

It was quiet for a moment, and Sirius’ eyes stared through the window. He wasn’t actively thinking about much, it felt more like a mental rest that Caradoc’s voice broke him out of a minute later. 

“I suppose you would. I’m sorry Sirius,” Caradoc repeated, and Sirius turned his gaze back to the other man and met his somber expression with a sad smile of his own. He shrugged, because that was life and they were both acutely aware of that.

“I’m used to it now,” Sirius said with a sigh as he moved to lie on his back before pulling both of his legs up into a hip-opening stretch that didn’t hurt quite as much as the other ones always did. 

“And your parents?” Caradoc asked casually as he laid back into the same stretch, head turned to get a full view of Sirius’ face.

Sirius huffed out a noise that answered the question better than any words ever could, and the expression on his face added a special touch as well, he was sure. It was impressive, really. And a timesaver. If only he could answer all questions with such finesse.

“No?” Caradoc clarified with curiosity.

“No,” Sirius repeated with finality. But then he elaborated anyway since he had Caradoc had become quick friends and all that. “Not the healthiest childhood, to put it lightly. I got out as soon as I could… had always wanted to run away from that sort of treatment. But my brother handled it differently. Always wanted the approval instead, the approval that he was never going to get…” he trailed off and gave out a deep sigh, gesturing his hand out nonsensically, “so it’s not easy to understand what ended up happening.” 

“Fuck,” Caradoc repeated simply, but if he felt awkward about the subject, it didn’t show. Which in turn helped Sirius feel like it wasn’t that strange of a topic to have been talking about. And even though it would never be his favorite subject, it probably did help in the long run.

“Fuck indeed,” Sirius mirrored, emphasizing each syllable slowly, and Caradoc laughed softly at the confirmation. 

“And Remus?” he continued with his line of questions casually as he switched legs.

“What?”

“That’s your partner’s name, right?”

“Remus, yeah. What about him?”

“He must be the closest thing to family you have?”

“Of course he is,” Sirius replied automatically. It was the most obvious question he’d ever been thrown. “I have a close friend who I grew up with as well. His family has practically adopted me as their own so I would be remiss not to mention them as well. But yes, Remus is my family. I can’t believe I found him sometimes.”

“Ah, that’s wonderful.” Caradoc acknowledged. “A bright lining.”

“What about you? What’s your whole family situation?”

“Not quite as interesting,” Caradoc smiled.

“I just spilled my life story to you,” Sirius laughed and then pushed a hand against Caradoc’s shoulder. “Come on now.”

“Fair,” Caradoc allowed. “My parents are fantastic, completely supportive, and they have been my entire life. I’m an only child, so we are very close.”

“That’s great,” Sirius said.

“It is. The only thing that’s sad about it is watching them age, you know? It’s life and it happens to everyone and everything, like we were talking about earlier. But fuck it brings me down sometimes. I want to spend as much time with them as possible. Holidays and any time off have all officially been deemed as uninterrupted Dearborn Family Shenanigans.”

“You sound just like Remus,” Sirius supplied.

“Yeah? They are close?”

“Very,” Sirius confirmed, but there was something in his voice that gave it away and for a split second, and he felt like a bit of an arse for it.

“Not a fan of them?”

Sirius laughed dryly, without happiness. Somehow the topic of conversation had circled back to him, but apparently Caradoc didn’t mind, so maybe he shouldn’t either. It wasn’t a topic he has the opportunity to discuss too often, for reasons beyond whether anyone asked him about it. “Hard to be a fan of people who blatantly disapprove of you dating their son.”

“What?” Caradoc laughed incredulously, letting his legs fall out of the stretch and out onto the floor, punctuating his point perfectly. And Sirius appreciated it all. “Why?”

Another thought entered Sirius’ mind briefly that he probably shouldn’t share this particular information with somebody outside of the confines of his relationship, but it disappeared as quickly as it had shown up for how heavily this particular issue had been weighing on his mind. 

“Fuck if I know,” Sirius threw out, feeling a burst of satisfaction from Caradoc’s sound of disbelief, something he didn’t know that he had wanted to hear mirrored so badly. And it spurred him on further. “Only son who is brilliant and kind and independent. They are very proud of him. I’m not sure that anyone would ever measure up, but I certainly don’t.”

“I would have thought they’d be happy to have you. That any parent would,” Caradoc said.

Sirius breathed out a laugh. “That’s kind. But no, not the case here. We moved in together about a year ago, during my last year of school, and that’s when I really started to notice it. Probably because I became that much more integrated into his life, so I became a bigger part of theirs as well.” Caradoc was doing a couple of ab exercises now, and Sirius felt the pressure to join in, but he still got the sense that Caradoc was interested in what he was saying, so he continued talking all the same. “Every time I am around them it’s like I’ve returned back to the household I worked so hard to break free from. It’s not as severe, of course, but the feeling of running against a brick wall over and over again is far too familiar... of never getting their approval. But this time, I’m smarter and I know that there’s nothing I can do to change it. So it’s just fucking there.”

Caradoc finished up a set of crunches. “Does Remus know that?”

“He knows I pick up on certain things that his parents do to express their dissatisfaction. And he’s good about not putting up with anything they do that’s obviously rude,” Sirius continued saying through the exercises. “But he doesn’t understand it. He couldn’t. He loves them so much and their relationship is so strong that I don’t feel comfortable expanding on it much more than what’s surface level.”

“You think it would bother him if you brought it up like this?”

Sirius sat up fully and rested his hands on his knees, taking a moment to think before answering. “I don’t want to risk it?” he guessed to himself, sending an unsure look over to Caradoc in the process. “Not when everything else is so great.”

Caradoc remained quiet for a while, the only change in his demeanor were his eyebrows, which laid higher than they had before.

“What?” Sirius asked, letting the length of his legs fall flat onto the floor and leaning back onto his hands.

“That won’t work forever, you know,” Caradoc claimed.

Sirius chuckled out a huff of air. “Won’t stop me from trying.”

Caradoc squinted at him carefully, completely unperturbed. When he spoke again, it was full of purpose, in a tone that suggested that Sirius should listen. “I know there’s pain. Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?”

Sirius squinted back at him, biting down on his tongue as the words registered, fighting a smile in an effort to match Caradoc’ straight face.

Caradoc held his gaze effortlessly before continuing on further. “No one can change your life except for you. Don’t ever let anyone step all over you.”

Sirius’ face broke and he laughed loudly. “Oh fuck off, Wilson Phillips, you wanker.” 

Caradoc grinned widely. “Wise words from the ladies of the eighties, I don’t know why you scoff. Life advice can be found in the strangest places if you just know how to pay attention. And also, running tunes.”

Sirius snorted as he glanced down at his phone and then pushed himself up to stand.“Let’s get on the treadmills then, yeah?” There was a tinge of guilt somewhere inside of him as he made his way across the gym. Talking about the few issues of his relationship with anybody other than Remus felt like a bit of a betrayal if he thought too deeply about it. But fuck was it nice to express those things to somebody uninvolved in it all. “We won’t have much time for those lunges if we keep talking about my sad stories. And I could definitely use them.”

“It helps though, don’t you think? To talk about all of this with somebody who gets it?” Caradoc jumped on the treadmill beside him and brought the pace up to a jog. “It even helps me and I’ve been doing this a lot longer than you have. It’s nice to reflect back on those things, to really feel them and humanize ourselves. It makes me a better doctor.”

Sirius laughed, but even he thought that it sounded a bit sad. “I think my problem is that I’m a little _ too _human.”

“Nah.” Caradoc refuted him easily. “That’s a good thing. Trust me. This place will rip it out of you if you let it and then you’ll be truly miserable.” 

“I’ll take your word for it,” Sirius muttered offhandedly as he bumped up the speed of his treadmill to set the pace. Caradoc followed his lead a moment later and the two of them set off on a race to 10 kilometers.

*****

“Hey Cedric,” Sirius looked up from his chart as he entered the room that had become quite familiar to him over the last couple of weeks. It was somewhat personalized, with flowers and pictures littered throughout the room. A stack of books sat on the nightstand next to his bed along with a dragon figurine that Sirius assumed had some significant meaning to him. “How are you feeling today?”

It was a stupid question, more of a courtesy than anything, but Cedric shot him a quick smile nonetheless, so Sirius didn’t let himself feel too bad for it. He was still navigating his way around this whole concept of bedside manner and he was lucky to have a patient like Cedric who was so pleasant to deal with, even given the circumstances.

“Hey Dr. Black,” Cedric greeted him, and Sirius noted that his voice was weak and raspy, but that was nothing new. 

Sirius pulled up one of the chairs in the corner room and set it on the left side of Cedric’s bed. It made things personal, sure, but he also could use the rest after burning out the entire span of his lower body a half hour earlier. A win-win for all involved, including his arse muscles.

“Which season are you on?” Sirius asked as he turned his head to look at the paused TV screen that depicted Edie Falco putting together an ornate salad in her massive kitchen.

“Four now.” 

“Ah piss, you’ve pulled ahead of me again,” Sirius couldn’t help but mumble with true disappointment. He’d been trying to keep up.

“I’ll take a wild guess and say that I have a lot more free time than you do,” Cedric responded through a chuckle.

“A bit, yeah,” Sirius admitted. It was quiet for a couple of long moments, and then a beat later, “Tony’s mother sure is a piece of work isn’t she?”

Cedric laughed again, only a brief cough mixed in there with it. “Peak comedy, that woman is. An absolute nightmare, but what an incredible performance she gives us.”

“A true icon,” Sirius agreed. “I can’t stand Ralphie though, no matter how good of an actor he is. Horrible person, Tony needs to put a hit on him,” Sirius paused for a moment and then started back up quickly as Cedric started to open his mouth. “No, do not tell me! I hate any and all spoilers.” 

“I wasn’t going to,” Cedric said with exasperation, and Sirius relaxed back into his chair with a bigger sigh of relief than was necessary. “I was going to admire how fucking delicious Carmela’s Italian food always looks. I get into an ongoing debate with myself… does it really look _ that _good or am I just so used to hospital food that anything else looks like a fucking meal fit for the gods?”

“A compelling question,” Sirius hummed thoughtfully. “I’d say that it really does look that good because I find myself frequently drooling over it as well, but I’m sure your current lack of variety is exacerbating it even further.”

“The baked ziti,” Cedric sighed as he rested his head back against the pillow situated behind his head. “First thing I’m eating once I’m out of here and my dietary restrictions have vanished. One that looks just like Carmela’s.”

Sirius smiled at the optimism. If Cedric could be optimistic about all of this, then what the fuck was stopping him from getting there as well. “I’ll be the one to take you to the restaurant, I know a good one nearby. I think we’ll both deserve it by then, yeah?”

“Fucking understatement of the year,” Cedric grumbled, but it was still in good enough spirits. “So what’s the news?” he asked, gesturing to the chart in Sirius’ hands. 

“Nothing you don’t already know or expect,” Sirius’ tone shifted into one that was more stoic now, the one he used whenever he had to deliver medical news that was anything less than great. “All of your heart performance indicators are actively declining at the rate which we expected, which is typical of one who is in the advanced stage of heart failure. Your blood test revealed that your BNP numbers are higher—” 

“Right,” Cedric sighed, keeping his eyes closed for a couple of beats before opening them up and speaking again. “I don’t need to hear the details. That vague overview is fine enough. I get it.”

“Alright,” Sirius nodded. “I’ll make sure to bring them back for your dad though, I know he’ll be interested in the specifics.” 

“Poor guy,” Cedric laughed sadly, without hope, and Sirius fought the overwhelming wave of emotion that was threatening to wipe out his calm exterior. 

“He doesn’t want you to worry about him. That’s the last thing that he wants for you right now.” 

“Easier said than done,” Cedric sing-songed and Sirius’ gaze remained on his face. The boy was objectively beautiful with such a strong jawline and honey-colored hair that softened the sharp — even sharper now with the weight loss — and striking lines of his face. When he had been healthier, when his disease hadn’t been so advanced and apparent, Sirius was certain that people had viewed him as extraordinarily lucky. A seemingly perfect life. Now, not so much.

“I know,” Sirius nodded after the moment passed. “Where is he by the way? It’s rare that I come into your room and he isn’t here.”

“Went out to get some food that would fit my diet. Something that I haven’t eaten a hundred times already.”

“Good,” Sirius muttered as he brought his hands up to rub at his face for a couple of seconds. “How’s your breathing been?”

“About the same. The oxygen mask has helped a lot. Sleeping has become a lot easier since you convinced me to use it more often.” 

“That’s great,” he responded with relief. Some patients had a tendency to fight him on medical advice, but that was a rant for a different day. “Thank you for using it. For easing some of my worries. Nobody wants you in any unnecessary pain.”

“I suppose not.” Cedric nodded as he tapped a couple of fingers on the handrails attached along his bed. “Instead of telling me about how rapidly my heart function is declining, or whatever bad news the swelling in my ankles indicates, would you like to use that time to have a normal conversation about _ literally _ anything else instead? If you have time, that is?”

Sirius felt his eyebrows raise higher and the edges of his mouth along with it. “I have time for that. How’s that girlfriend of yours?”

“Bloody wonderful,” Cedric supplied. But his tone didn’t match the words. 

“Yeah? That’s good. I haven’t seen her in a while.” 

Cedric groaned, but only for half a second. Sirius just barely caught it. “I don’t like her having to drag herself to a hospital all the time to see me like this.”

“But she wants to,” Sirius countered immediately, without giving it a single thought. “She wants to be here for you, it doesn’t take much to see that.”

“I don’t want to become some sort of charity case for her, not after everything that we have had together. But when I see her sitting there, trying to put on some stupid happy face — which she is terrible at doing, by the way — the dynamics between us feel so uneven. I can’t give anything back to her right now. She deserves more than all of this shit that I’m putting her through.”

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows, but it only took a split-second before he was countering everything that Cedric had just said. “No. Don’t push her away. If my boyfriend was in the hospital, whether that was with advanced heart failure or just to get some basic stitches, there is nothing that could stop me from sitting there alongside him for as many hours as I possibly could. Nothing. And we’ve been together for years, so it wouldn’t even matter if he told me not to or tried to send me away. It wouldn’t happen, nothing he would tell me would phase me.” Sirius waited for a moment until Cedric met his eye contact, really wanting to drill this point on home. “She is not just doing it for you, it’s for her too. And I promise you, she knew what she was getting into when you started dating, she’s a smart girl. This isn’t anything new”

Cedric remained silent, and Sirius hoped that he was really considering was Sirius was saying. He sent Sirius a look, one of displeasure, but Sirius took it as a good sign and kept right on talking.

“You think that you feel useless? Imagine how she feels. She’s been watching your heart become weaker and weaker, watching you struggle to breath, and she can’t do anything to make it better. The only thing she can do is be present and comfort you by being here. And now you’re not even letting her do that.”

Cedric waited a minute and then groaned fully. “Fuck,” he muttered into his hands.

“This isn’t her dream for the both of you either. She’s suffering, and I know that you love her too. Don’t take this away from her, it’s the only thing she can do right now.”

Cedric kept his hands over his face, but Sirius could see that he was nodding as he comprehended the advice that Sirius had just supplied him with.

“Text her,” Sirius said softly.

Cedric sighed and finally removed his hands from his face. “Yeah, alright.”

Sirius glared at him for a couple of seconds, but Cedric didn’t move any further. “Right now. And put an apology somewhere in there. A big one.”

“Yeah yeah,” he muttered, finally reaching for his phone that sat next to him on the nightstand. Sirius watched as he typed out the text. A minute later, Cedric held up the phone, proving that he had written what Sirius had demanded and had already sent it off. “Happy?”

“Blissfully so,” Sirius replied lightly, feeling better about life already. “I don’t want any issues between the two of you once you get that transplant. Nothing but celebration, yeah?”

“Yeah. Good point.”

Sirius reached over and let a hand rest on Cedric’s wrist. “This is all temporary. You’re at the top of the list now. Make your decisions with that in mind, okay?”

Cedric shot him a hesitant smile. “Alright. It all sounds so obvious when you say it.”

Sirius laughed, reminded himself that he was a doctor, and held himself back from any snarky retort to that compliment, replying instead, “I know you’ve been handed the biggest shit sandwich out there. But positivity matters.”

Cedric burst into light laughter, and thankfully it didn’t push him into another coughing fit along with it. “Shit sandwich. Haven’t heard that one before, but I appreciate the metaphor.”

“Oh, it’s nice to see you laughing, Cedric,” a familiar voice flowed through the room from behind where Sirius sat, causing him to turn around and watch as Mr. and Mrs. Diggory entered the room, armed with multiple bags of food between them.

“Hello, Mrs. Diggory. Mr. Diggory,” Sirius smiled as they moved fully into the room and set the bags down on the table in the far left corner. 

Sirius was quite fond of Cedric’s parents. Unwaveringly supportive and loving were just a few words to describe them, words that Sirius thought should describe every person who decided to have a child, but he knew firsthand that they did not. His own perspective on that was likely the reason he was so affected whenever he watched the family’s interactions. Life didn’t make sense for so many people. He would never understand why Regulus was taken from his own life so early, and he would also never understand why such a devoted set of parents like the Diggory’s would have to deal with watching their son waste away in a hospital. It was tragic, but at least Cedric had the support, and Sirius loved them for that alone.

“No news on that heart yet?” Amos asked, like he always did whenever Sirius came by Cedric’s room. 

“Not yet, but be ready for it. When it comes everything is going to happen quickly,” Sirius responded, just as he always did, and Amos nodded back at him as a gust of air was blown out of his mouth. Sirius stood up and took a couple of strides towards the door. “I’ll let you all eat and then I’ll come back in about an hour to go over the results of Cedric’s tests today? There’s nothing unexpected, so you can enjoy all of this food first.” 

“Thank you Dr. Black,” Mrs. Diggory responded, making eye contact with Sirius. He managed to shoot her a small smile before turning around and heading out the door. 

Sirius took a deep breath as he walked back to the nurses station to check in with Amelia to see if any new patients had been admitted since he had last checked. Working in a hospital brought along with it a range of emotions for him, and talking Cedric through some of the difficulties of essentially living in a hospital bed had a tendency to hit him hard, especially when Cedric’s family was involved. By now Sirius understood that there not always neither rhyme nor reason to the occurrences that he witnessed in the hospital on a daily basis. But he was happy to give parts of his own well-being to help his patients out along their journeys, to suffer a little bit if it meant easing a bit of their suffering along the way. 

But above all, it made him grateful. Really fucking grateful. Perhaps that was the most positive thing to come out of his job — the appreciation for his health, for Remus’ health, for the support around him which was still relatively new to him in many ways. The thought of that alone brought the cadence of his breathing back down to normal and added some energy to every step that he took. He smiled at Amelia once he got up to the desk, thinking that there were only a couple more hours until his shift ended and he would be home, with time to spare before Remus would head to bed for the night.

*****

Sirius toweled off his hair before wrapping the towel around his waist and opening the door into the bedroom.

“Hi,” he chimed simply. Remus was still reading in bed, nibbling on the end of a pen now, completely focused until he looked up at Sirius and an appreciative smile grew on his face.

Remus sighed out a long breath of air through his nose. “You look so good,” he said, shaking his head as he spoke and Sirius tried not to beam too brightly.

Sirius bit at his bottom lip to quell the smile rapidly growing on his face. “What are you reading?” he asked casually as he let the towel drop from his waist and onto the floor before crawling across the bed and up to Remus.

Remus froze as his eyes tracked every movement that Sirius made. He licked at his lower lip before he responded. “I’m thinking of adding another lecture into the semester,” he articulated carefully and Sirius wondered if he was ever going to blink. Apparently not.

Sirius kneeled beside him and closed the book, reaching over to lay it on the nightstand next to Remus. “Tell me about it.”

“About the lecture?” Remus clarified, and the look on his face let Sirius knew that he was going to play along. Not that he actually had a choice in the matter, not when Sirius was this determined. But yes, good boy nonetheless.

“Uh huh,” Sirius shifted and began to unbutton Remus shirt.

“Alright,” Remus breathed carefully, as if Sirius were fragile. “You already know that Baroque art came after the Renaissance. It’s stylistically my favorite. The lines are very structured and pronounced. The colors are vibrant with deep contrast. Highly ornate and exuberant,” he mumbled without feeling, as if he had the speech memorized, which he most certainly did.

“I remember,” Sirius pushed his shirt open and moved his hands lower to undo his trousers next. “Contrast and Protestants and fruit baskets.”

“You remembered,” Remus huffed with a laugh and Sirius let his hand brush against his hard length as he pulled Remus’ trousers and boxers down to his knees. He positioned himself into a straddle above Remus’ hips, and Remus shifted to kick his trousers the rest of the way off his feet. Unencumbered now.

Remus eyes flickered down to Sirius’ hand, which was busy lazily stroking his own cock, blatantly ignoring Remus for now. “Keep talking,” Sirius instructed evenly, “about this lecture that you want to add.”

Remus closed his eyes for a moment, and took one deep breath before opening then back up, looking more stable when he did. “Rococo art began to emerge at the end of the Baroque era, in France.”

“The Marie Antoinette looking stuff? Froufrou?” Sirius asked, voice surprising calm considering that Remus’ erection was just existing right there in front of him in all of its glorious perfection.

“Yes,” Remus pushed his hands under his head and trained his eyes up on the ceiling. But Sirius didn’t like that. No, it wouldn’t do at all. He reached a couple of inches over and grabbed lightly onto Remus’ cock, pressing it against his own and earning himself the long low groan that he had been hoping for. 

“Keep going,” he demanded again, his hand moving ever so slowly, fingers dancing lightly on firm skin, moving at a much more moderate pace than he knew that Remus needed.

Remus cleared his throat, and bless his soul, began talking shortly after. “It’s very indicative of Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI, actually, and the motives behind their eventual executions. Rococo art captures the time period leading up to it. The art is the same style of Versailles: indulgent, aristocratic, light-hearted, over-the-top wealthy, extraordinarily ornate. Very,” Remus took a shaky breath as Sirius gripped them both tighter now, “very out of touch.”

“Yeah?” Sirius asked breathily, loving the sound of Remus’ steady cadence of talk being interrupted by his arousal. And he wanted to hear more of it. “Do you like it?” He prodded further, using his thumb to carefully spread the precum leaking out of each of their cocks, tracing it down as he continued to quicken the pace of his stroke.

“Do I like the Rococo style of art?” Remus breathed through a frustrated laugh. It was borderline angry and Sirius’ felt his hips thrust into his hand at the tone.

“Yeah,” Sirius smirked down at him, but Remus’ gaze was preoccupied by the show in front of him.

“I don’t give a fuck about it at the moment, Sirius,” Remus finally broke, leaning his head fully back and closing his eyes again. 

Sirius removed his hand for its grip and leaned forward instead, pulling Remus’ hands out from beneath his head and pinning them against the mattress with his own. He brought his mouth down on top of Remus’ and initiated a kiss. A low groan was transported into Sirius’ mouth at the contact and Sirius wasted no time before he ran his tongue slowly along Remus’ bottom lip before seeking full entrance into his mouth. Remus’ hips pushed upwards, seeking friction, and Sirius pushed back against him now too. But only for a couple of moments, because Sirius needed more than this tonight, and he sat back up shortly after as Remus groaned in disappointment.

“You haven’t been like this in a while,” Remus murmured with wide eyes as he hands ran up Sirius’ torso appreciatively. “You look so fucking good. Your fucking arse,” he repeated with eyes wider than Sirius had ever seen them before — far more vocal than usual as well, making it difficult for Sirius to maintain this sense of control. Remus’ hands reached behind him to emphasize the point, grabbing at him _ hard. _

“Grab the lube?” Sirius asked, but his tone suggested that it was much more an order than a question.

“Yeah,” Remus stuttered as he reached into the drawer next to him. He managed to pull it open and find the bottle without taking his eyes off of Sirius. This dynamic was kind of new, and even though Sirius usually preferred for Remus to take control, he decided that this was fun too, especially with the look that had totally overtaken Remus’ eyes now. 

Sirius took the small bottle out of Remus’ hand and sat back up. He poured a moderate amount onto his hand and reached behind to begin to prepare himself. 

“What else?” Sirius prompted him expectantly as he inserted one finger into himself and his hips twitched in response. “Ornate? Out of touch? What did it all mean?”

Remus settled his hands on Sirius’ hips, but he kept them there, somehow aware that Sirius didn’t want them anywhere closer. That he was in control. His fingers dug into Sirius’ skin, and the frustration that it communicated made it all the better. Sirius’ breath hitched, far more theatrically than usual, and Remus finally answered his question.

“Uh, okay,” his voice was dull again, but his gaze remained strong. Determined. And Sirius knew that he would rise to the challenge. “During that time period, France was the epitome of flamboyance on the surface. Commoners lived in misery as France kept losing territories in Europe and North America, and its wealth right along with it. But the top two percent, the aristocracy, didn’t feel it at all because commoners were taxed, uh,” Remus’ breathing had become even heavier, “up the arse.” Sirius yelped out a laugh at the appropriateness of his statement, and Remus’ hoarse voice cut back in a second later. “Put another finger in yourself.”

“Alright,” Sirius panted, his eyes drawn back down to Remus’ throbbing cock. “Keep talking,” he demanded as he pushed another finger in.

“Yeah, like that,” Remus breathed, his chest rising and falling in a dramatic fashion as he watched as Sirius began to fuck himself on his own fingers. “The paintings depict pure frivolity, or as you call it, ‘froufrou’. Pastel whimsical colors, beautiful aristocrats living easy indulgent romantic lives, not a single fuck to give. The paintings captured the Rococo spirit, where the upper class was preoccupied with their own opulent amusement, completely indifferent to the common folk who lived in absolute poverty at the same time.”

“So it was all a lie,” Sirius nearly whimpered as he reached his free hand to grasp as Remus’ neglected cock. He wanted to keep this going, but he wanted to make it even harder for the other man first. “The paintings were all bullshit.”

“_Ah, fuck Sirius._” Remus groaned and his fingernails dug deeper into Sirius’ skin as his hand sped up, gripping at Remus’ cock ruthlessly now. “In a way, yes, a lie. A decadent lie to hide the fact that their nation was sliding downwards,” Remus was rambling now and it was desperate. And yet he kept going, as if Sirius would stop if he did. “But it was also their reality, they were completely unaware of their country crumbling around them. Which eventually led to the abject hatred of the monarchy and the eventual revolution, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Sirius huffed — marveling at Remus’ ability to maintain such an advanced vocabulary in this state — as he pulled his fingers out of himself and poured some more lube over Remus’ cock. He positioned his body on top of it and began to lower himself down, letting Remus’ hands guide him along the way.

Remus bent his knees and brought his feet closer for leverage, his hips working in conjunction with his hands to thrust in and out of Sirius with far more power than Sirius would have been able to garner, and it was clear who was actually in control now. Sirius stretched his torso out and threw his head back as he bounced up and down on Remus’ cock, feeling wonderfully gutted and out of his fucking mind. And that was nice. More than nice. If he had any coherent thought left inside of him, he would recognize that he felt whole in that moment, as Remus fucked him into a different realm where uncertainty and failure did not apply to him in any aspect at all, something he had been aching for for weeks.

Remus’ hips stopped moving and he moved to push Sirius to the side, tossing his opened shirt to the ground before quickly maneuvering Sirius onto his stomach in the middle of the bed. Remus pulled his hips up so that Sirius’ arse was elevated as he leaned forward on his forearms, waiting eagerly for whatever Remus decided to do next. 

“Keep telling me about the art, Professor,” Sirius spoke nonchalantly, with palpable interest, like Remus wasn’t kneeling behind him, pushing back into his entrance and about to pound into him mercilessly. At least that’s what Sirius was hoping for.

Remus breathed out a chuckle and pushed back inside swiftly, and a very gruff groan was pulled out of Sirius’ throat in response. He gasped for his next breath as one of Remus’ hands grabbed for a fistful of his hair. It wasn’t as easy since he had cut it off, Remus couldn’t wrap it around fist like he used to, but there was still enough for this, and thank God for that. 

“Rococo art was kind of like the original tabloid,” Remus growled now, and it would have been hilarious if Sirius’ prostate wasn’t being prodded with every thrust inside of him. “The only real impression it left on people who saw it at the time was ‘ah, that’s how the rich people live!’”

“Bunch of, _ ah— _” Sirius swallowed and arched his back up, deepening the angle even more because fuck it, he was wild, “out of touch wankers.”

Remus tugged a little harder at Sirius’ scalp as his thrusts became even harder, and Sirius keened at the perfection of it all. But then Remus changed it up, pulling out slowly, giving Sirius the opportunity to feel every glorious inch of his length, and then snapping his hips roughly to push back inside quickly. Sirius groaned and tried to let his head fall between his forearms, but the hand on the back of his head made his attempts futile. He was Remus’ now. And Remus held the power.

“Out of touch wankers is right,” Remus huffed as the hand wrapped in Sirius’ hair slipped up his back and landed between Sirius’ shoulder blades as his other hand moved around Sirius’ waist to grasp firmly at his cock. Sirius couldn’t focus on anything more than breathing once Remus’ fingers began to move, he could only take so much and apparently this was his limit. “The artists had a difficult time after the French Revolution,” Remus continued, and perhaps he’d had a burst of lucidity for how easy he made it sound now, voice hoarse but straightforward as his thrusts became no less powerful. “Special privileges were withdrawn from all nobility, and equality replaced extravagance as the ideal. So no one wanted glorified depictions of the wealthy who lived at the expense of everybody else anymore.”

Sirius opened his mouth, attempting to say something snotty in response, to goad Remus on further, but all that came out was a wanton cry as Remus pulled him upright, back against his chest as he stilled his hips, all while quickening the pace of his hand as Sirius writhed along with it shamelessly. 

“Oh, you don’t have anything else to say?” Remus murmured along Sirius’ neck as he moved his lips up to his ear. “You don’t want me to spout off some more information about Impressionism too?”

“_Ah, _” Sirius whispered hoarsely, “no. No impressionism,” he rasped out, grateful that Remus was holding him up as he was certain he had lost control of his entire body at this point. “But don’t stop fucking me.” 

“There’s no way I’m going to stop fucking you,” Remus groaned as his hips began to move again. “You look so fucking incredible, do you know that?”

Sirius’ breath hitched at the compliment and he leaned his head back against Remus, basking in the closeness. They both quieted down now, close to the edge and hips moving in tandem and they each chased their own release while helping to bring the other closer to his in the same effort altogether. Remus kissed along Sirius’ neck — his erratic breathing hot against Sirius’ skin — and hugged Sirius closer, sensations that were sweet and rough and caring all at once. And passionate. It was always passionate between them. Even after the years they had spent together and the way that life had a habit of distancing them away from each other at times, they could always come back to this.

Remus came inside of him a minute later, after both of them had fallen into a frantic rhythm, all other games and gimmicks dropped in favor of relishing in the pure connection that they shared. He kept Sirius held tightly against him after he rode it out, hand guiding Sirius closer and closer until that coil in Sirius snapped and he felt the orgasm shoot like wildfire through every nerve in his body.

Sirius panted as he caught his breath, and Remus slid out of him after some unknown amount of time had passed before guiding the two of them back down into a lying position with heads resting on the pillows at the top of the bed. They each shifted to lie fully on their backs, with Remus’ hand resting on Sirius’ hip possessively, his thumb stroking at warm sensitive skin. Sirius moved his hand on top of Remus’, intertwining their fingers in the lightest manner, and a few quiet moments passed with only the sounds of their breathing filling the room.

“Looks like we need to wash the comforter again,” Sirius eventually sighed with a small shake of his head. Somehow they did this every time.

“It is why we have two,” Remus’ voice was laced with exhaustion and satisfaction and Sirius was floating in it, “for the spontaneity.”

“That’s true,” Sirius mumbled. He didn’t want to fall asleep yet, but he was going to let himself enjoy how relaxed he felt.

“You really do look fucking amazing,” Remus whispered breathlessly, appreciatively, hand turning up to squeeze Sirius’. “I mean you always do. But the running and whatever else you’ve been doing… fuck. Your thighs, and your arms, and your arse. It shows.”

Sirius closed his eyes and hummed, because he was boneless, and he was also basking. “I have to keep up with my boyfriend who looks like one of Michaelango’s creations, don’t I? Maybe one day I’ll earn a nickname at my work too, and then I’ll know I’ve made it.”

Remus laughed and squeezed at his hand. “I’d wager you already have one. You just don’t know it because doctors and nurses are more mature than my students and don’t giggle about it every time you pass by or slip it into a question in front of an entire lecture hall.”

“If only I were so lucky,” Sirius murmured jokingly and Remus rolled on top of him, kissing him soundly. 

“If you keep doing whatever workouts you’ve been doing, I’m sure that not even scrubs will hide it. Your patients won’t stand a fucking chance, let alone your coworkers.”

“I only need you to notice,” Sirius bit playfully at his lip and Remus slid his free hand down Sirius’ shoulder.

“Your arms are so vascular,” Remus muttered appreciatively and Sirius laughed that he was still going on about this.

“Caradoc has taught me some mobility workouts to strengthen my running muscles. Some gymnastics movements too, mostly body weight except for arms. We use dumbbells for arms.”

“Has he?” Remus made a noise of acknowledgement before resting down on his side and leaning on his elbow. “What’s his story?” he asked.

“Caradoc?”

“Yeah, all I know is that you met him at the gym and you have been running together ever since. And then you’ve been texting about runs and hospital things and whatever else goes on in there.”

“He’s a surgeon, a really good surgeon, actually. A big name around the hospital. He has a very high success rate for transplants.”

“So he’ll do Cedric’s?”

Sirius paused, because that was the big question, but not in the way that Remus meant it. “Hopefully,” he settled on, “if Cedric is lucky.”

“Right,” Remus sighed and planted a kiss on Sirius’ jaw. “What else?”

Sirius thought for a second. He and Remus really hadn’t had much time to talk about the ins and outs of each other’s lives lately. Nothing more than scheduling details and brief outlines of each other’s days. “Well, he’s young, probably late-thirties. A habitual marathon-runner. Nice guy, full of energy, at least when he’s at the gym. I don’t know, that’s about it.” 

“Is he gay?” Remus asked, but it sounded like pure curiosity.

“I have no idea, Rem,” Sirius laughed lightly, but Remus’ expression did not change. “He knows I am, though. He knows about you.” 

“He likes you,” Remus said easily. Assuredly, but not with annoyance or anything deeper beneath it.

Sirius laughed once. “Oh my god. No, you don’t need to worry about that.” 

“I’m not worried,” Remus said surely, but he wasn’t laughing along with Sirius. “But he likes you. So just be aware of that, for your own sake.”

Sirius shifted his neck to the side to meet Remus’ lips in a kiss. “You haven’t even met him. You couldn’t possibly know that.”

“I just know, Sirius. The early texts before 5am, the calls—“

“He called me one time,” Sirius pointed out. “And we have odd sleep schedules.”

“—and the gym meeting where he already knew your name,” Remus carried on unperturbed. “And you being, well, you—”

“What does that mean!” Sirius grinned with disbelief because this whole topic was already ridiculous.

Remus laughed quietly and shook his head. He repositioned himself over Sirius and began kissing his way down Sirius’ torso. Sirius bent his legs up and Remus nestled himself between them, hands pushing into Sirius’ inner thighs and eliciting a reaction from another part of Sirius’ body that he didn’t think he would feel again for at least another 12 hours. 

“It means that you are like the brightest light in every room you walk into. You are enthusiastic,” he paused to kiss from Sirius’ knee down along his inner thigh, “yes even when you are tired,” he clarified before Sirius could suggest it, “smart, kind, and truly a breath of fresh air in a ridiculously gorgeous package,” Remus concluded with a kiss at the crease where Sirius’ thigh met his pelvis and Sirius let his knee fall open to the side at the touch. “You have a very strong pull.”

“That’s exactly, _ah,_” Sirius’ breath hitched as Remus’ mouth began planting light kisses up his already hardening length, “that’s how I feel about you.”

“I know,” Remus replied simply, eyes holding Sirius’ gaze for a long while as Sirius felt himself become fully hard again simply by the sight of Remus’ proximity. A brief smirk flashed across his face before he took Sirius fully into his mouth a beat later, and Sirius’ head fell back onto the pillow behind him, heavy as a brick, and he wondered if Remus was actually worried about Sirius’ attention ever being focused elsewhere.

Sirius let the feeling consume him again, the feeling that always overtook Sirius whenever the world around him slowed down and Remus focused all of his attention on him. Remus’ fingernails raked themselves lightly along Sirius’ thighs as his tongue swirled around the head of his cock, taking his time for many long moments before swallowing Sirius back down to the base, taking him all the way to the back of his throat and humming around him lightly. But what Sirius felt from it the most, more than the innate desire to thrust his cock further down Remus’ throat or to recklessly grab of fistful of hair at the nape of Remus’ neck, was an overwhelming feeling of love — gentle but violent, chaotic but resilient. Love that went both ways like an electric current buzzing between them with every touch that was shared.

Sex was fun, it had been for Sirius since the time he had starting fucking around with that guy from Year 11 when he was 15-years-old. But sex had become so much more than that when Remus came into his life, suddenly full of meaning and with a connection that he had always inherently known was not replicable. And that was not something that he ever wanted to lose. 

“I’m just saying, be careful,” Remus added as he crawled back up to the head of the bed, the perfect picture of composure and satisfaction now. Sirius portrayed the opposite picture, on the other hand, using all of his effort to pull himself back to life one gasp of breath at a time after having had his second orgasm of the night skillfully pulled out of him in less than three minutes flat.

“I think you’re crazy,” he managed to breath out minutes later, having remembered the topic of conversation pre-felatio. 

“Hmmm, I don’t think I am. I have a sense about these things,” Remus spoke with calmness before planting a kiss on Sirius’ temple. “But I’d be okay being crazy about this one,”

“He’s just… I don’t know, mentoring me in a way, I think.” Sirius could hear the words becoming more muddled as they left his mouth and his eyes began to close slowly, but he kept going nevertheless. “It’s been nice. Grounding.” 

“I am glad you have that type of support at the hospital,” Remus articulated thoughtfully, and some part of Sirius’ brain registered that it was probably important for him to listen. “But don’t forget that I’m still here too, even if you think I can’t relate. A lot of feelings are universal, no matter where they stem from.” 

Sirius mumbled something in acknowledgement to this before realizing that it wasn’t anywhere close to being coherent. He kept his eyes closed but cleared his throat before trying again. “Like when you rant to me about the administration at King’s? And I tell you how they are all fucking plonkers and you are the the light that shines out of their arses? And that you are responsible for at least half of the students deciding to major in art history?”

Remus laughed once through his nose. “I’d call it putting things into perspective for me, but yes, that’s exactly what I mean. You do it better than anybody else I’ve ever met. Not because you know about the specifics of my job, but because you listen and you know me.” 

Sirius hummed, because that was nice to hear. “I love you,” he muttered as his hand moved to wrap a strand of Remus’ hair around a couple of his fingers.

“I love you too,” Remus murmured easily, his hand tracing down Sirius’ sternum, pausing to press along the outline of each individual bone it came across.

“I love it when you fuck me,” Sirius opened his eyes back up and looked at the ceiling as he spoke, probably in a sort of trance now. “Nobody could ever make me feel the way that you do.”

“I love it too,” Remus responded, and his voice was deep and full of appreciation. “I love it when I can feel you let go of everything else going on inside of your head. It’s like I’m the only thing that exists for you in those moments, and that… it’s indescribable. Not to mention a huge fucking turn on,” Remus sighed happily as his mouth moved closer to Sirius’ neck, nuzzling against it once it got there. “But... I love you at every other time too.”

A warmth spread throughout Sirius’ body, sending him further into that blissful feeling that was enveloping his whole body now and pulling him closer and closer to sleep. “Will you turn out the light?” Sirius sighed, satisfied fatigue lacing the words coming out of his mouth. “Unless you weren’t finished reading yet,” he added with a squeeze of Remus’ bicep. “I don’t mind.”

Remus moved to turn out the lamp beside the bed and then maneuvered his body beneath the covers to lie on his back. “No, I’m done. Was just waiting for you.”

Sirius shifted himself under the covers as well, moving to rest his head next to Remus’ shoulder and his hand on top of his chest. 

“I love you all the time too,” he whispered, pushing his neck forward slightly to plant a kiss on Remus’ shoulder before falling deep into sleep the next moment, not even comprehending the whispered response from the man lying next to him.


	4. The Stolen Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter involves more health/life/death-related issues + hospital scenes + everything that goes along with that.

Sirius thought that he was prepared for it, a glaring possibility he had been aware of from the moment that they met in the hospital months ago — the actual premise of their relationship actually. But just as Sirius had discussed with Caradoc a few days earlier, death had a tendency of taking people by surprise, even in the intensive care unit of a hospital. Even when it involved a patient with congenital heart failure whose life was dependent on a process that could accurately be described as a lottery, and one that left a lot of losers in its midst.

It had happened fast, faster than Sirius could wrap his head around until it was all over — the familiar call of a code blue, the page that sent both he and his attending running to Cedric’s hospital bed, the heart monitor’s blaring alert that Cedric had fallen into cardiac arrest. And then the dull sound of the monitor, signaling that there was no pulse anymore, the dull sound that threw Sirius into his own state of paralysis as he watched Dr. Shacklebolt spring into action and the team of nurses usher Cedric’s father out of the room so that they could try and revive him without having to worry about any frantic family members getting in the way. 

Sirius felt like he didn’t belong in the hospital as he stood there frozen within the confines his mind as the others worked together to perform basic CPR before pulling out the automated external defibrillators to try and bring him back to life. This was a formula that Sirius had followed countless times before, but had been rendered useless in that moment, muscle memory and knowledge having fled his mind the moment that he walked into the room and didn’t see Cedric looking up at him, still full of life and possibility. 

Two unsuccessful attempts with the AEDs were brutal to watch. There was nothing natural about seeing a lifeless body jump from such a powerful shock to its system, and it was even worse when nothing but stillness occurred after each jarring electric surge. 

Dr. Shacklebolt broke through the eerie silence to mutter the time of death, and then Sirius was staring down at the body of a boy who had been making jokes with him the day prior. But somehow it wasn’t him any longer — it had all changed within the span of a couple minutes — honey-colored hair laid messily on top of his forehead now, eyes closed and head lying limpy to the left side, it was easy to see that Cedric wasn’t there anymore. The contrast was starker than any other death Sirius had witnessed before, perhaps due to the fact that Sirius had gotten to know the life inside of him so well. It had been a life that he had been rooting for with every fiber of his being. 

“Take a break,” Kingsley said as he pulled Sirius out of Cedric’s hospital room and down the hall a couple of steps. A tinge in his voice conveyed that Sirius wasn’t the only one feeling upset.

“I’m only a couple of hours into my shift,” Sirius sputtered, leaning his back against the wall and bringing both of his hands up to rub roughly at his face.

“I don’t care,” Dr. Shacklebolt replied unbothered, but there was a weight to his voice that Sirius would have been crazy to ignore. “Take an hour or two. Call somebody. Take some time to be upset. And then get your head back on for the rest of the day so that you can do something good.”

Sirius breathed out and a minute went by where he cycled through every reason that his attending was wrong, only to come right back to the idea that he was probably right. “Alright.” And then a beat later, “Should I talk to his family? I think I should talk to his father at least.”

“You need to take care of yourself first,” he replied as he rested a hand on Sirius’ shoulder, gripping it firmly. “The first one is the most difficult. You’ll never forget it, but it will get easier to handle.” 

“Right,” Sirius nodded dully. Dr. Shacklebolt held his gaze for a couple of seconds, and in the next moment, he turned and walked away, presumably to the next patient who needed his attention. 

Sirius sighed deeply, feeling lost in the same building he spent more time at than his own flat. The healthy thing to do, he thought vaguely, would be to spend some time at the gym to sweat out his feelings or whatever bullshit he had read some fitness bloggers preach about. But no, he didn’t give a fuck about that at the moment, more drawn to the idea of sitting alone somewhere with no expectations of any sort, physical or mental, lingering over him.

Five minutes later found Sirius meandering into one of the few staff rooms littered around the hospital. It was on the second floor and was equipped with a couple of couches, a TV, a small kitchenette area, and a ping pong table in the corner. It was nearly empty, apart from a couple of people congregating around the microwave, but Sirius was able to claim an entire couch for himself which made him feel as though the universe was offering him the tiniest olive branch that it could muster after putting him through absolute hell.

Some news channel was on TV, Sirius’ mind wasn’t focused enough to pay much attention to the details of it, but he did enjoy that it provided him something to rest his eyes on as he sat there. Better than staring straight ahead at a wall with people coming and going, causing him to wonder if he was sane, albeit alright. A thought ran through his mind that he could call Remus, but it was gone as soon. He had never been the best at delivering anything that could even be construed as bad news, and this one was a doozy of epic proportions. He wasn’t even sure that he could say the words out loud yet. 

“Hey,” Sirius heard the voice beside him, but he didn’t comprehend it until it was said for a third time with his name attached along with it. He turned his head as a firm touch landed on his upper arm and a familiar body sat down beside him. 

“Hey Caradoc,” Sirius greeted him with a blink as Caradoc began to remove the surgical cap from his head, revealing a head of untidy dark blonde hair. “Do you come down here often?”

Caradoc breathed out a single laugh through his nose, and then Sirius followed suit for how silly the question had come out. “Only when I’m looking for you.”

“Ah, so you heard,” Sirius spoke expectantly, marveling at how quickly word in the hospital spread when on was connected to the right people. Hundreds of different cases in a day, and yet Caradoc was next to him now, already aware of the news.

“I do keep tabs on my prospective patients, you know. And there were only so many places you could be after I checked the gym and the locker room.” Caradoc shifted towards him. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I feel fucking awful. I actually don’t know what I’m feeling but _ I’m _fine,” Sirius muttered as he gestured down his body nonsensically.

Caradoc leaned his head back and let it rest behind him on the back of the couch. “I’m sorry.”

Sirius focused on his breathing for what felt like a long while, trying to figure out what to say. Nothing was coming to mind, but he opened his mouth anyway. “Yeah, me too. But thanks.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Sirius breathed out a sad laugh, one that Caradoc mimicked the next second. He turned his head and shot the blonde man a look of regret, his eyes feeling inexplicably heavy. “Sorry. I just need to sit here I think. Not really fit for human interaction right now, let alone articulating how fucking terrible I feel.”

“I’ll just sit here with you then, okay?”

“Yeah,” Sirius answered gruffly, and then a beat later, “thank you.”

Caradoc didn’t answer, having understood that active interaction was too much for Sirius to handle at that given moment. But he was there, and that was something — it certainly had not been something Sirius would have requested from anybody, but it was nice nevertheless. Sirius felt free to let his thoughts die down, too stunned to form any real assessment of the situation, and he let himself sit in the absolute tidal wave of despair he’d been caught under. He was not alone though, as Caradoc sat like a buoy next time — a small but tangible presence, offering him something to grasp onto if needed, something to assure him that he wouldn’t drown out there all on his own.

Time passed. Sirius stared ahead, and more time passed. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, covering his face with his hands and tugging at the hair on top of his head with as much strength as he could muster, letting it go for a moment before needing to feel the rough sensation all over again. He focused on his breathing when the intensity in his mind peaked and getting more oxygen into his body was the only task he could muster. Breathe in, count to ten. Breathe out, count to ten. And again and again and again and again.

“I feel so fucking useless,” he finally lamented, surprising himself in the process while hardly recognizing his own voice.

“Why would you say that?”

“Because I was just standing there, doing nothing as my attending stepped up and tried to resuscitate him. Part of me was acutely aware of what was happening but another part was completely frozen, just watching it all happen around me… like my ability to think had been put on pause and everything I had learned and experienced before today was just gone. Totally fucking useless,” he repeated.

“You were in shock.”

“I’m a fucking doctor,” Sirius snapped with frustration, and then promptly apologized for it because none of this was Caradoc’s fault.

But he was unphased. “It still happens. Do you think I would ever perform an operation on somebody close to me?”

“I don’t know, would you?”

“Absolutely not. I can’t see my patients like that. I can’t deal with the stakes involved, I wouldn’t be able to think clearly and I’m sure you can guess how important that is while cutting somebody open.”

“Right,” Sirius breathed because it wasn’t difficult to surmise the risks of wielding a surgical knife in the absence of a focused mind.

“There was nothing you could have done to save him,” Caradoc insisted.

“I should have been the one helping him, instead of just standing there like a useless twat.”

Caradoc frowned. “It wouldn’t have mattered who was pounding down on his chest or who was holding the AEDs Sirius. You know that.”

“I just… I should have been doing _ something_,” Sirius settled on, voice uncharacteristically argumentative.

“Why’s that?” he countered simply.

“Because I cared about him so much,” Sirius snapped at Caradoc quickly. “Fuck. I did everything that I could think of to make his time in the hospital more pleasant. He was so good, and I wasn’t there for him at the very end of it all.”

“Well, first, you _ were _ there for him every step of the way,” Caradoc answered swiftly. “Second, you can’t save everybody, Sirius.”

“I know that, Caradoc,” Sirius leaned forward and rested his elbows back on his knees, sticking his hands into his hair again, pulling slowly, but roughly nevertheless. “How do people do this? How do they deal with this all of the time?”

Sirius turned and watched as Caradoc’s eyes linger on him for a while before he responded a beat later. “They learn not to get too close. It’s a self-preservation thing, a way to keep them sane.”

Sirius heaved out a long sigh in response and when he spoke again, his voice had shifted from argumentative to irritated. “That’s not what I want to hear right now.”

Caradoc laughed freely. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t want a lecture about getting too close to patients, or about everything that I did wrong with this case.” 

“I have no desire to lecture you,” he said easily, “and I don’t think that what you did was _ wrong. _However, there are realities to all of this. Different choices have different consequences and benefits attached to them. It is an important point that all of us have had to learn on our own. And now you’re learning too.”

Sirius groaned. “I don’t know what I would have done differently, I can sit here and say that maybe I shouldn’t have gotten as close to him as I did. But I don’t know if I had any other option in this — I _ had _to be there for him.” 

“It’s a trade-off, isn’t it?” Caradoc posed. “You spent more time with Cedric and his family than a more seasoned doctor would, yeah?”

“Yes,” Sirius conceded easily. There was a pattern for the most experienced doctors to spend less time with patients, mostly popping in and out to discuss diagnoses and next steps.

“And they loved you for that, I’m sure. You all bonded and it undoubtedly made Cedric’s time here at least a little more tolerable, don’t forget about that. You made a significant impact on them.”

Sirius thought about a particular day a couple of weeks ago when he and Cedric had begun to come up with ridiculous haikus for each other, swapping new ones every time that Sirius came to check on Cedric, and Sirius _ almost _choked out a laugh as he recalled a particularly descriptive seven syllables explaining the mechanics of catheters. “We had a lot of good moments together,” he admitted. 

Caradoc smiled, his eyes soft and remarkably kind. “Think of those then. Because those are what you get in return for how atrocious you feel right now. Think about how you made his last month better. Living in a hospital is fucking miserable, you know that, you see it every damn day, _ especially _ for a young guy in his twenties who sees his peers having the type of life that he should have. But to have had somebody around the hospital who cares? Somebody who was willing to sit down and talk to him about more than what his blood tests meant?” Caradoc paused until Sirius made eye contact with him. “ _ You _ made it better for him Sirius, and that is important. I’m sure that his family will never forget that.”

Sirius swallowed hard, Caradoc’s words only just beginning to sink in. “We weren’t so far away in age,” he mumbled before he had even thought about it. “He was so young and loved and none of that mattered.”

Sirius felt a pressure on his wrist, and when he looked down he saw that Caradoc’s hand was wrapped around it. “There is nothing else that you could have done, Sirius.” 

Sirius leaned back now, and the two of them sat like that in another bout of silence as a couple of minutes ticked right on by. Sirius felt his breath begin to slow as his body finally started to calm down for the first time since he had left Cedric’s room. 

“I barely even recognized him, after he passed,” Sirius whispered to the cracked ceiling paint above him, finding that a snowball effect had set in, every new word tumbling out of his mouth with less effort than the one before. “Maybe it was because I knew him too well.” 

“Yeah?” Caradoc asked, and Sirius felt him lean back against the couch as well. Caradoc must have turned to face him because Sirius could practically feel his gaze on his face. 

“Yeah,” Sirius confirmed, eyes settling on an off-white stain in the corner — water damage probably, but this was a hospital, so it was impossible to know for certain. “I don’t think I can become so invested like this again. I know that we are all just bodies at the end of the day, and my mind usually shifts into medical mode whenever I put on my scrubs and start a shift...” Sirius paused his train of thought as he thought about Cedric. The boy’s heart capacity had been declining in the last week and a quick pace. Although Sirius had been aware of that, had read it on the boy’s charts, he hadn’t taken the time to fully evaluate what it all could mean, but now he knew. “But this ones really sucks,” he concluded, and rather pathetically at that. 

A round of laughter came from the direction of the kitchen area, but Caradoc didn’t shift his gaze away from Sirius, and Sirius was aware of that when he turned to meet it as Caradoc began to speak again. 

“You _can _do it again. You will recover from this and once the shock and the sadness wear off, you’re going to fully appreciate that the relationship you had with him this past month was worth it. I can’t imagine that you will regret enriching somebody else’s life once you understand how significant it was to them.”

Sirius exhaled loudly as he turned his head back to face the ceiling and squeezed his eyes shut hard, but the tears pushed through anyway.

“So he didn’t have a DNR?” Caradoc asked after another focused exhale.

“Correct,” Sirius mumbled darkly, pressing his palms into his eye sockets before wiping the wetness aside.

“I’m surprised.”

“His parents’ preference, I’m sure,” he mumbled robotically. “And maybe his too. He was so young.”

“Is that part of what made it so terrible?”

“On top of the fact that he is fucking gone now?” Sirius laughed darkly before clearing his throat. “Yeah. Not the greatest last set of images to have of him.”

Caradoc nodded. “I can imagine.” 

Sirius lifted his head up off the back of the couch and shifted his weight forward again, letting his face drop into his hands before releasing a long groan. “Why did I choose this?” he muttered with defeat, a dark exasperated laugh following the words as perfect punctuation.

A hand landed on one of his own and worked to pry it off of the right side of his face, doing so successfully and revealing an upright Caradoc looking at him with intention. Sirius looked back with his right eye, the left side of his face still covered with his other hand.

“Because you’re great at it,” Caradoc emphasized slowly, and even Sirius had to admit that the careful enunciation did make a strong sort of impact on him. “And everything that happens here these first couple of years is new and shocking. You think you have it figured out and then something new happens to fuck you and make you feel like you never really knew anything at all. You’re going to have a lot of shitty days. You might even have a day in the future that is shittier than this one. But overall, it’s going to become better. You’re going to learn what you can handle and what you aren’t willing to let yourself deal with, who you are willing to take the risk for. There’s a steep learning curve around here, but_ it does not mean that you chose the wrong path_.”

Sirius gave out huff through his nose, wavering on that thin line between looking optimistically ahead into the future and letting that existential tidal wave of shit and suffering claim him altogether. 

As if reading his mind, Caradoc continued, “I know it’ll take a while to see it that way. And you’ll need to take some time to be sad, angry, frustrated, whatever. I know. But don’t just throw it all away. You deserve more than that.”

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded, his voice hoarse and sounding far more exhausted than he actually was. Words like this would forever be hard for him to hear, no matter how appreciated they were. “I know that’s right.”

“It’s hard to get invested,” Caradoc paused for a moment and Sirius swallowed hard because he didn’t need that fact spelled out for him at this specific moment, “but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong thing to do.”

“Hmm?” Sirius hummed, a bit incredulously, and he realized that Caradoc was still holding firmly onto his right hand. But Sirius didn’t mind. “What does it mean then?”

“It means that you care more than most would, and that you’re stronger than a lot of others would have been in your position.”

Sirius choked out a laugh. “Doesn’t feel like that. No. I feel like a right shit actually, bawling on this disgusting couch right now.”

“No,” Caradoc shook his head minutely. “I know it doesn’t, but that doesn’t negate the truth in it.”

Sirius glanced back up at the other man. “I really had myself convinced that he was going to get a transplant. He was so kind and strong, with the greatest family behind him. So I was convinced he _ had _ to get one and how childish is that?”

“It’s a learning experience.”

“Great,” Sirius chimed with faux delight, his voice gaining life in the process. “Of course it is.”

But Caradoc ignored him and chugged on anyway, and that was big of him. Gigantic really. “You’ll find that it was worth it, that you can eventually risk it again. I’d wager that you’ll go on autopilot for a while here, to let yourself recover from all of this. And then in a few months, you’ll meet another patient who you think is worth the risk.”

Sirius blinked. “I think it’s further off than that.”

“Maybe. But I think it is important to realize that you can offer that to some patients and that it’s not a mistake or a weakness when you do. It doesn’t have to be all of them, it _ can’t _ be all of them or you’d destroy your own self in the process. Do your job, but distance yourself appropriately so that you can stay healthy. Because at the end of the day, if you aren’t putting your own well-being first, you are never going to be able to help anybody else.”

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat. “It is all really as cliche as that?”

“Yes,” Caradoc responded simply, without an ounce of mockery.

Sirius bit at his lip as he allowed his mind to begin to wrap around what Caradoc had said. The other group of hospital staff must have left the break room at some time during the conversation because everything else around them was silent.

“Thank you,” Sirius whispered may minutes later, slowly sitting back up from his previously slumped over position. It was barely audible, but Sirius knew that Caradoc was paying attention. 

“You’re welcome,” Caradoc whispered back to him and Sirius couldn’t help but think about how necessary it was to talk to somebody who had been through this all before. Caradoc had always known that even when Sirius did not.

“Not just for today. Thank you for all of it. For reaching out to me and asking about my residency at the gym, even though I didn’t think that I needed it back then.” 

Caradoc shot him a small smile and shrugged. “I’ve been happy to do it, you’re an easy person to care about.” 

Sirius sighed out a long breath through his nose, forever feeling uncomfortable and undeserving of that particular sentiment. 

“It’s true,” Caradoc pushed on.

Sirius pressed the heels of his hands back against his eyes and focused on the shapes that it created behind his eyelids. “Caradoc,” he started, but was cut off before he could articulate anything else to say. 

“You don’t have to say anything about it, Sirius. Whatever fucked up thoughts you have about it all because of your family history doesn’t change the fact that people care about you, that anybody who has you in their life is incredibly lucky.” 

Sirius huffed out a sad sound at those words, and there was some surprise that Caradoc had gotten to know him so deeply merely through their gym routine. The words were poignant, uncomfortably so for Sirius, too spot on and far too unapologetic. But he was too emotionally exhausted to come up with a witty response to brush it off, so he just nodded instead. 

And then there was a shift in the couch and Caradoc’s thigh was pressed against his own. Sirius looked up in curiosity, and just as he did, Caradoc’s hand landed on his neck and pulled him in, lips kissing his own squarely, soft and insistent, warm and unfamiliar. Sirius was caught off guard, but it only took a second to register, a thought about Remus flashing insistently through his mind like a flickering blinding light.

His entire face went slack at the contact, and his whole body froze for the second time that day. Caradoc must have felt it too, or at least noticed the utter lack of reciprocation, because he pulled back slowly, eyebrows raised in confusion for some fucking reason that Sirius was clearly unaware of. 

Sirius stared at him without wavering. “What are you doing?” he insisted, his whole self feeling defeated and disillusioned but his voice coming out direct enough to get the point across. 

Caradoc squeezed his hand and Sirius jerked it away when he became aware that they were still touching in some manner. Caradoc straightened up before responding. 

“I thought,” he started slowly, and then coughed softly before continuing, “I thought that we both wanted this.” 

Sirius furrowed his brow and gave no thought about editing the look of antipathy on his face. “No, Caradoc.”

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath before giving his head a quick but forceful shake.

“I’m very happy with Remus,” Sirius heard himself say, and he was unsure why he had to state the most obvious fact in his life. “I know I’ve made that clear before.”

“I’m sorry,” Caradoc sighed as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “I read too much into this, thought that… Fuck. Nevermind. I’m sorry.”

Sirius reached a hand back behind his neck and pulled at his hair, wondering how he had ended up here, how all of this had fallen on top of him in the same fucking day. What a fucking ride.

“Fuck, it’s fine,” Sirius conceded because it felt like the easiest thing to do to move the conversation along and away from this. “I’m sorry if I gave off the wrong impression, it wasn’t my intention.”

Caradoc was the one rubbing at his face now. After a moment of silence, “Can we forget this ever happened? Go back to what we usually do and ignore that time I made an absolute and utter arse of myself?”

“Please,” Sirius laughed awkwardly, at a loss for any other response. 

An excruciating minute passed before Caradoc cleared his throat. “This may be a stupid question, but are you feeling any better?”

“I’ll be okay,” Sirius responded with a nod, surprising himself along the way. There was still a weight in his body, one that he wasn’t sure would leave for a while, but at least his head felt clearer now, almost as if that kiss had kicked his arse back into the land of consciousness.

“Yeah?” Caradoc asked with a hopeful smile. 

“I think so,” Sirius offered.

“You’re a good person, Sirius,” Caradoc said after a beat, and he sounded more natural again, the normal cadence between them regained in some way at least, even if something else still lingered in the air between them. “Don’t let yourself think that this makes you weak, because the opposite is true. It’s just a very personalized learning process.” 

“I don’t know how I would have navigated this today without you. I really appreciate it,” Sirius spoke sincerely, because even though Caradoc had made a mistake a couple of minutes prior — or perhaps they both had over the last few weeks — it was true, and for that, Sirius was immensely grateful. 

Caradoc held Sirius’ gaze for a couple of moments, and there was something in it that Sirius couldn’t place, but he was too mentally exhausted to put any further thought into it. He sent Sirius one last final nod before his hands pushed off of his knees and he stood up. 

“I can’t make it to the gym today,” he said offhandedly. “But let’s pick it back up tomorrow, alright?”

“Yeah, okay,” Sirius agreed, thinking that it would probably help to go on his own if he could find the time.

“You have Friday off still?”

“I do. We’re still on for Hyde Park?”

“Yep, it’s going to be a long slog, but better than doing it on a treadmill.”

“Absolutely,” Sirius agreed. “I’ll see you tomorrow then. Send me a text when you get your schedule for the day.”

“I always do,” Caradoc chuckled, and Sirius smiled back at him. “And take your time being sad; don’t beat yourself up. You were important to each other.” 

“Yeah,” Sirius whispered. “Thanks, Caradoc.”

And with that, Caradoc left him in the break room, a hundred thousand thoughts flying through his mind that he would eventually have to sort out all on his own.

*****

Sirius found it surprisingly effortless to get through the rest of his day, and perhaps the universe was having a bit of mercy on him because there were no more emergencies to deal with for the remainder of his shift. It had probably been a good thing that Cedric’s parents had left the hospital before he had composed himself. Sirius would find a way to reach out to them at a better time, when it would provide them with something more than frantic exasperated consolation. 

Two o’clock in the afternoon saw Sirius opening up the door to the flat, exhausted. He had managed to run a couple of sprint intervals on the treadmill for half an hour before heading back to the flat, leaving him exhausted mentally _ and _physically now, the sadness of the day weighing heavily on his worn out body.

A quick shower washed away the grime from the day, and Sirius landed on the bed a couple of minutes after drying off, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, hair wet and staring at the ceiling. He gave napping an honest go, but became frustrated when it didn’t come easily, eventually opting to put on some music instead — loudly — to guard against the thoughts that were fighting relentlessly to crawl back into his focus. 

But they did anyway, music be damned. His mind reeled through it all over again, in slow motion, in fast motion, frozen images that would be etched against the walls of his skull for the remainder of his life. He didn’t cry again, more numb than anything else, finding that he was powerless as it all crashed down on him over and over again. Life felt so fucked sometimes, and even though his pain was only collateral damage in the grander scheme of Cedric losing his life, the injustice of it was heavy enough to make the entire world feel much darker than it had been the day before.

Eventually he checked the time on his phone, a bit surprised in one way to see that two hours had flown by, and not surprised at all in another. Remus would be home around 6:30, which gave Sirius over two hours to get his shit back together and position himself to act like the normal human being that Remus expected to find when he walked through the door. 

He made his way over to the dresser, rifling through the drawers until he pulled out a pair of slim gray sweatpants and a dark blue Under Armour shirt that Remus had gotten him a couple of weeks ago for his runs — ‘moisture-wicking and antimicrobial’, according to Remus. Just as importantly, it was form-fitting, particularly around his biceps, and he knew that Remus appreciated that aspect of it as well. 

An idea fought its way through the dark thoughts — that he had enough time to run out and grab some groceries for dinner later that night. Remus would love that, and it was something that Sirius hadn’t had the time to do for months. Cooking would also give his frazzled brain a concrete task to focus on, so he made the quick decision to go for it. 

As he shifted a couple of steps over to reach into the sock drawer, his eyes settled on the set of framed photos that he and Remus had placed on the dresser when they had moved in. A picture of the two of them at Sirius’ graduation sat to the left, with Sirius beaming at the camera while wearing ornate scarlet dress robes and Remus standing to his side, dressed in a light blue button up shirt with a smile equally as bright as Sirius’. On the right sat a picture of Remus standing next to Hammurabi’s Code in the Louvre, hands tucked awkwardly in his pockets and his uncomfortable smile exposing the fact that Sirius had forced the photo — harsh penance for Remus not shutting up about the damn object for the entire two months leading up to the trip.

And in the center was the first picture they had ever taken together. The selfie they had taken in Santorini that felt like a lifetime ago, but in reality was less than seven years. Things had changed since then, of course, seven years would do that to any relationship, but Sirius found that he never had a difficult time reigniting the feelings that burst from that photo whenever Remus was around and there was certainly something to say about that; Sirius would start with dinner. 

Forty-five minutes and one Tesco trip later, Sirius was back in the kitchen with a pile of groceries on the counter behind him — everything Italian that he could find to be more specific. He had a little over an hour to get the sauce simmering and he made quick work of it before focusing his attention on the chicken and mushrooms. 

Just as he had hoped, the time flew right on by, and before he knew it the sound of keys in the door alerted him that 6:30 had already arrived. He took one last deep breath, pushing any remnants of his terrible fucking day into the back chamber of his mind — far too easily if he took a moment to think about it — and gave his head a quick shake as Remus walked through the door, his face tired but lighting up at the sight of Sirius standing in the kitchen.

“Hey,” his familiar deep voice chimed through the kitchen. “You’re up!” he added before crossing into the kitchen to plant a kiss on Sirius’ temple, giving him a squeeze around the waist for good measure as he leaned over to look at the stove. “And what the fuck, you’ve been cooking?”

“I have,” Sirius answered, and even he was surprised by how much energy he suddenly had for how little sleep he was running on by now. “I thought we could actually eat dinner together tonight and then maybe watch something in bed afterwards?”

Remus’ eyebrows raised in surprise. “I’d love that,” he supplied simply. “Aren’t you exhausted?”

Sirius turned back to the stove. “I’m okay actually. My shift tomorrow starts at 10am, so I thought it would be nice to sleep during normal hours tonight.”

Remus hummed in agreement before shifting a couple of steps around Sirius, wrapping his arms around him from behind once he got there. 

“Do you need any help, _ cuore mio_?” he asked, resting his chin on Sirius’ shoulder and rocking them back and forth a bit as Sirius continued to stir. “It smells great by the way.”

Sirius leaned back against him and nodded over to the medium sized silver pot that sat on the back burner of the stove. “The pasta needs to boil for ten minutes or so. Do you want to set the table? I’m just going to finish browning the chicken and then it can all simmer until the pasta is ready.”

“Yep,” Remus replied before pressing a kiss to Sirius’ neck and taking a step back. “I’ll set the table.”

“You’re the perfect man,” Sirius sang out loudly, earning an immediate chuckle out of Remus.

“You made the sauce from scratch?” Remus asked as he grabbed a couple of plates from the cabinet before heading over to the silverware drawer. 

“After the explosive argument we got into last time I tried to buy a jar of it? Of course I did.”

“Well that’s the exaggeration of the century,” Remus retorted, his eye roll almost audible, much to Sirius’ delight. “In no world would it be categorized as an ‘argument’—”

“I do recall a particularly snippy comment about it if I’m remembering correctly, which I am. Something deliciously catty like ‘Sirius, why not just use ketchup instead? It’s even easier.’”

Remus breathed out a laugh and started placing the silverware next to the plates again. “Well I wholeheartedly stand by that comment, it’s appropriate as hell.”

“Mhm,” Sirius murmured, pouring the mushrooms and chicken into the pot along with the sauce.

“Your day was good then?” 

Sirius tapped his foot once and took a deep breath. “Pretty normal,” he lied convincingly, and it was actually cathartic in the moment. He would tell Remus about Cedric, about all of it, tomorrow. Or maybe at the end of the week. He just needed a little bit of time to process it for himself first.

“Ah, that’s too bad. I keep hoping for some good news,” Remus muttered when he got back to the refrigerator, shooting Sirius a look of commiseration as he filled up two water glasses in the process. 

“Not today.” 

Remus released a hearty sigh of disappointment, squeezing lightly at Sirius’ arm before taking the water glasses over to the table. “Well I have good news,” he called over his shoulder.

“Oh yeah?” Sirius responded with relief to the new topic. “Did they officially decide to implement the study abroad program?”

“Even better,” Remus quipped, his voice filled with an unreal amount of satisfaction.

Sirius furrowed his brows for a moment in confusion because he couldn’t think of anything that would be better new than that. Maybe except for… “_Oh fuck_.”

“Yeah,” Remus nodded coyly, the playful expression on his face communicating that he held the information to something akin to Sirius’ eternal happiness — and the bastard knew it too.

“You’ve been existing in this flat for approximately,” Sirius looked down at his phone for a beat, “nine minutes and you didn’t think to bring this up sooner?!” he demanded, eyes nearly bugging out of his head in anticipation. “_Who the fuck _is it?” 

“Martha.”

“_I knew it, _” Sirius gasped gleefully.

“No you didn’t,” Remus laughed. 

“No I didn’t, you got me there,” Sirius confirmed, desperate to hear any and all additional information on the subject. “But I can’t say I’m surprised.”

“That is true. It makes sense when you think about it.” 

“Always the unsuspecting quiet ones. Especially the ones that can’t even land a joke,” Sirius threw out, recalling the first time he had met Martha and the horribly attempted one-liner about shellfish that had failed so hard that it haunted him for weeks.

Remus gave one staccatoed laugh at the reference. “Apparently that’s exactly the type.”

“But what the fuck? Why has she been stealing lunches the entire semester?”

“Apparently she’s been ‘clearing things out,’” Remus threw out some quotation marks to really drive the point home, and Sirius was unabashedly living for it. “‘Getting rid of the smell.’”

“Wow, really taking some liberties with that TA position of hers, huh? And golly, _ what a liar_.” Sirius rambled on as he positively beamed at the development.

“No doubt.” 

“How was she finally caught?” 

“I saw her pulling my sandwich out of its bag from the fridge,”

“Red-handed by the professor. Who does this bitch think she is?” Sirius’ impassioned voice filled up the entire flat as he continued to steadily stir the sauce with a delicate hand. “What did you say to her?”

Remus laughed softly as he moved into the kitchen and pulled the lid off of the pasta. “This is almost done,” he remarked before leaning his back against the fridge and answering the pertinent question. “It was intense. I said, ‘Martha, what are you doing?’”

“A strong start.”

“And she jumped a little, like this,” Remus reenacted the alleged jump, throwing in a little gasp along with it, a dramatic hand on the chest, and Sirius barely suppressed the urge to clap at the overall performance, but the sauce needed him more at the moment, “and said ‘Professor Lupin, I was just checking—’”

“‘To see who brought the best looking lunch for me to eat’?” Sirius threw in, because he had no self control. “Is that what she said?”

“Close, but no.”

“Okay, what was she checking then?”

“Apparently she was checking ‘what was stinking up the refrigerator.’”

“What a joke. How about nothing is stinking up the refrigerator, Martha? How about you’re just a lying sack of shit who can’t tell a goddamn joke, huh?”

Remus looked positively chuffed, but he successfully fought to keep his grin from shining too brightly, and Sirius wanted to award him 100 points for keeping the charade alive. “That was my first choice for a response, yes. But instead I went with, ‘In the future, could you please not touch any of the food in the fridge that isn’t yours? Particularly the bags with people’s names on them?’ Then I went on to inform her that the custodial staff comes by every Friday at 5pm to clear out the refrigerators in the building, a fact that I’d bet this flat on that she already knew.”

“Damn, Remus, you brutal son of a bitch,” Sirius goaded, bringing the serving spoon to his mouth to sample the taste of the sauce, continuing on after deciding that it was delicious. “What did you do next? Pull out a chainsaw and chase her down the hallway?”

“Not quite. But I did let my faculty friends know to keep an eye on her,” Remus offered sincerely.

Sirius blew out the loudest gust of air that he could muster. “Even worse.”

Remus hummed with determined agreement. “The art history department is merciless.”

“Hear hear,” Sirius agreed mightily. “Well fuck, mystery solved. Martha.”

“Martha,” Remus echoed.

“She’s not,” Sirius paused for a moment to find the right word, “_destitute _is she? She’s not taking people’s lunches because she is starving, right?”

Remus shook his head. “I started observing the eating habits of all faculty and staff in the vicinity when the theft started and she always brings something to eat on the days she needs to be in the building. Has her own lunch pail and everything.”

“Wow. You were ready to die on this hill, weren’t you?”

“Unquestionably.” 

Sirius shook a bit as he held in the laughter and sent Remus some pained expression instead. “But what the fuck? Did she just want to stir up some chaos for the hell of it? Doesn’t art history have enough of that already?” he started up again with gusto, grabbing the nearest cooking utensil and pointing it directly at Remus as he regained his second wind. “Ever heard of the events leading up to the French Revolution as depicted by Rococo art, Martha? A little something called The Scream by Edvard Munch? Van Gogh’s lost ear? The Disappointment fondly referred to as the Mona Lisa? Save your bullshit and bad jokes for the accounting department, Martha. We’ve had enough.”

“That mystery still remains.” Remus shrugged casually, but the beam of light shooting through his eyes told a different story. “And thank you for all of that by the way. Truly, bravo. Nearly Shakespearean, that was.” 

Sirius gave a dignified nod. “Thank you.”

Remus sent a nod back of equal proportions. “But what I do know for certain is that when I bring all of these leftovers for lunch tomorrow,” Remus paused to gesture around the kitchen and Sirius was nearly driven mad with pleasure at the enthusiasm, “I _ will _be eating them. It was always a risk before, you know? Am I going to get to eat the salad I packed for myself with chicken, hardboiled eggs, and avocado? Or will I have to go down to the first floor and grab a shitty wrap again?”

“Shitty wraps have no place in Remus Lupin’s life any longer,” Sirius answered with force, throwing in a distinguished wave of his free hand to really drive the point home. “Those days of processed deli meats and soggy lettuce are long behind him now.”

Remus hummed with a pointed smile that had a way of nearly piercing Sirius’ heart, and when he continued, his voice was back down to a normal decibel. “You should have seen her, slumping out of the kitchen with her tail between her legs. She knew. And she knew that I knew.”

Sirius laughed breathily at the wonderful image his mind conjured in response. “Classic walk of shame, and now a good chunk of the faculty knows,” he mused. “Shit. Hell really did rain down upon her. You bloody savage.” 

Remus put out a lengthy ‘mhm’, heading towards the stove for a brief second before apparently having a better idea and moving to open the drawer to the left of Sirius. “I have to open a bottle of wine.”

“Alright,” Sirius laughed. “To celebrate your smiting of Martha?”

“I’d hardly call it a smiting,” Remus couldn’t hold back through a laugh, and Sirius snorted at his sudden inability to go along with it all. Apparently that time had passed. “But no,” he continued as he focused on selecting the appropriate red, “to celebrate that you are awake for dinner and we get to spend some time together tonight.”

“That’s sweet,” Sirius supplied with a smile as he checked the pasta before picking up the pot and carrying it over to the sink. “It’s all ready by the way.” 

Remus put out a grunt of acknowledgement as he tasked himself with opening the winning selection of wine. Sirius focused his attention on pouring the pasta into the strainer, and when he swiveled around to retrieve the serving dishes, he found that Remus was waiting right behind him.

“Hi,” Sirius breathed through a soft laugh as he wrapped his arms around the other man, pulling the two of them tightly against each other and planting a single soft kiss on his lips, letting his mouth linger to appreciate the familiarity of it all and the unassailable feeling that this was exactly where he belonged.

“Thank you for making dinner,” Remus whispered, squeezing him back and pressing his warm lips back on Sirius’. 

Sirius sighed into his mouth and found the closeness much needed, the physical and emotional connection of being around Remus already giving him a significant release of sorts. His body melted into Remus’ resilient embrace, finding its safe haven as his face rested in the crook of his neck.

“You always smell so good,” he muttered after enjoying a minute of the basic physical touch that Remus must have instinctively understood he needed.

“Do I?” he asked, a light kiss landing on the top of Sirius’ head.

“You really do.”

“Must be that new soap I’ve been using. What is it again? Something earthy like cedar?” 

Sirius laughed against his skin, not expending the effort required to inform Remus that it was actually sandalwood because that wasn’t actually the point. “No you berk, it’s just a _ you _ smell. It’s always been like this.”

“Oh, well that’s good.”

“A natural Sirius pheromone,” he staccatoed between kisses up Remus’ neck. 

“Is that what lured you to my table at the cafe then?” Remus joked a couple of beats before catching Sirius’ mouth in another kiss, longer this time, but just as sweet as before. 

Sirius smiled as they pulled away from each other and he went back to his initial task of grabbing the serving dishes. He handed them over to Remus and went to retrieve the salad in the fridge. “That distinct Lupin scent was wafting in my direction, bravely making its way through the tower of books at your table. I was rendered powerless. A lesser man would never have survived.”

Remus supplied an impressed ‘uh huh’ and the two of them set about carrying all of the food to the table. “So really nothing notable at the hospital today?” he asked once they had sat down and filled their plates.

“There was a particularly vibrant skin infection,” Sirius offered brightly as he took a larger than average bite of chicken, casually bypassing anything that didn’t have to do with the last two hours of his shift. Remus made a face and the hand holding his fork froze midway to his mouth. “Do you want me to elaborate?”

“What color was it?” he asked with hesitance.

Sirius grinned through another bite. “Purple.”

Remus crinkled his nose at the information. “You know what? I’m good.”

“Mhm,” Sirius murmured with delight as he chewed. Once he swallowed he nodded to the plate in front of Remus. “You going to eat?” he asked with a grin.

“Right.” Remus shook his head quickly before bringing his fork the rest of the way to his mouth and taking his first bite. “It’s so good,” he added brightly a couple of seconds later.

“I’ve impressed him,” Sirius announced with excitement, pulling quite the smile out of Remus as he went for a bite of chicken this time. 

Sirius shot him a similar smile in return and the conversation ceased for a couple of minutes once Sirius realized just how hungry he had become. Remus presumably had a similar epiphany if the speed of his fork was any evidence at all. 

“My parents called today,” Remus brought up once his movements began to slow. 

“Oh?” Sirius paused then as well. It wasn’t uncommon for Remus to talk to his parents on the phone at least a couple of times a week. However, their conversations usually weren’t significant enough to bring up in conversation. “Are they alright?”

Remus took a slow drink of his wine as his eyes remained trained on Sirius, and it gave Sirius the distinct feeling that he should brace himself for whatever information Remus was about to share. He raised his eyebrows expectantly, and Remus held his gaze while he set his wine glass down and cleared his throat.

“They want to come to London for Christmas.” 

Sirius blinked. “Okay,” he muttered before pushing another large bite of food into his mouth. 

“They’d like to stay for over a week. Ten days or so.”

“That long?” Sirius couldn’t help but ask, his attempt to sound merely interested failing from the first syllable. He put his fork down and took a drink of water, chiding himself for showing irritation about his boyfriend’s parents wanting to visit him for Christmas. “So what’s the plan then?”

“There is no plan yet, I wanted to run everything by you first. We aren’t obligated to do anything,” Remus told him outright.

Sirius sighed. “I know that you want to spend time with them over Christmas, Rem. You should, they are your parents.”

Remus took another bite, but answered through it anyway. “And you also know that I have a lot of time off, and you have a couple of days off too.”

“I do.” 

“It’s not often you get four days in a row off, so I think we keep our travel plans as they are,” Remus tried to level with him.

“You’re okay leaving them in London on their own?” Sirius posed the question with disbelief.

“It’s not like it’s some foreign city to them, babe,” Remus pointed out, but Sirius wasn’t buying it yet. “They’ve got a lot of stuff they want to do here on their own. I was hoping we could spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with them, and then go ahead and book that trip to Prague that we talked about. Fly out the afternoon of Christmas and get back in time for your shift on the 29th. It’s such a quick flight, shouldn’t be too much of a hassle at all.” 

Sirius nodded without feeling. “Is that still what you want to do?”

“I wouldn’t be suggesting it if it wasn’t what I wanted to do,” Remus spelled out, but without an ounce of frustration. “I’m trying to figure out if it’s what _ you _want to do. We hadn’t talked too much about the actual holiday yet, just the trip.”

Sirius sucked in a breath, trying to make sense of the situation. “Where are they going to stay?”

Remus gave him an easy shrug. “I’ll find them an Airbnb nearby so that they can have a kitchen and everything at their disposal.” 

“You don’t want them to stay here?”

Remus let out a half-huff. “No, Sirius, I am not going to stick my parents on an air mattress in the office.”

“I don’t know how this works Rem,” Sirius reacted immediately, “my parents aren’t knocking down the door to visit me, but I do know that families usually stay together whenever some of them are coming from out of town.”

Remus smiled at him with amusement and took another bite, grin only getting wider with every second that passed. “They’ll have their own space. And the days that you’re working will give us some time to spend sightseeing together or whatever they want to do.”

“Right,” Sirius muttered through a drink of water, feeling more negative than he had since Remus had walked through the door an hour earlier. “Sounds great.”

“Does that bother you?” Remus asked directly, the earnest tone of his voice pulling a loud breath out of Sirius and a consequent eyebrow raise from Remus. Sirius reached an uncomfortable hand back to the nape of his neck. “Sirius?”

“I’m trying to think of the correct way to respond,” he mumbled to the table moreso than Remus. 

“‘Correct’ way?” Remus echoed with confusion. “Just answer with the truth, Sirius. It’s not a trick question.” 

Sirius turned his gaze in front of him and zoomed in on Remus, taking a long moment to organize his thoughts into something articulate. “The moment that James brought Lily home, Mr. and Mrs. Potter were ecstatic. They knew that James adored her, so they adored her too. She was immediately a part of the family and _ everybody _ was happier for it.” Sirius paused for a moment, the hum that Remus put forward before taking another drink of wine let Sirius know that Remus knew exactly where he was going with this, so he cut right to it without any further ado. “Are you really going to want to spend the rest of your life with somebody who your parents merely tolerate?”

Remus set his glass down and set his focus on Sirius, holding eye contact for a good while before verbally answering the question. “Sirius, I do not know what else I can do to show you that you’re exactly what I want.”

Sirius averted his gaze again, looking out the window across the room and letting his eyes rest on the streetlamp outside as he spoke again. “They are so important to you. It makes me feel like I am failing you every time we are all around each other.”

Remus waited a minute to respond. “If anybody is failing me, it’s them. And it’s disappointing that they don’t act like the Potters, I wish that was different too. But that’s just not who they are, Sirius. They’ve never had an objectively positive reaction to anybody I have dated.”

Sirius huffed out a miserable laugh through his nose. “Great.”

“I mean it. I had a girlfriend in secondary school, nothing serious or anything, but I brought her home to meet them at some point. She was the top of the class, debate team, orchestra, delightfully kind—”

“I feel bad for her already,” Sirius muttered as he turned back to face Remus.

“It was an uncomfortable dinner,” he confirmed. “And then in grad school they met Jacob—”

“They met Saxophone Guy?”

“One time,” Remus confirmed. “Didn’t seem to thrilled about him either—”

“You don’t say. And I would have pegged them as huge fans of Careless Whisper,” Sirius quipped haughtily because he absolutely could not resist.

“—so then I didn’t introduce them to anyone else for years,” Remus continued unperturbed. “I told myself it wouldn’t be worth it until it was the right person. _ The _person.”

“So who was next?”

Remus shot Sirius a look that insinuated that he was a bigger idiot better than any words ever could. “You.”

Sirius hummed, the left side of his mouth curling up. “Because I am _ the _person?”

Remus cocked his head to the side and closed his eyes for a couple of seconds before they settled back on Sirius. “I don’t know why you even have to ask.”

Remus was being patient about it, but Sirius could sense his frustration beginning to build. Sirius understood where it stemmed from, but nothing would erase the fact that this was a difficult concept for him to grasp at certain times, particularly when the insecurity that resided deep inside of himself found fit to rear its ugly head.

So Sirius merely held his gaze, unsure of how else to respond since he didn’t have a satisfactory answer. A long minute passed. Sirius chewed on his bottom lip, words still too jumbled in his mind to articulate anything of value. 

Remus eventually looked away, blowing out a gust of air and shaking his head. He looked a bit defeated. “If it bothers you that much, I’ll tell them not to come—”

“No,” Sirius cut him off with a hoarse but resolute voice. “I never want to rob you of time with them.”

The sound of Remus’ heel tapping on the hardwood rang through the otherwise silent flat until he spoke up again a couple of seconds later. “What can I do to make it so that there isn’t an issue every time I bring them up then? I don’t know what to do anymore, Sirius. If it becomes a choice then I am going to pick you, every single time. But you also say that I should spend time with them and you agree that it’s good to visit them, so then we do and I always end up feeling like I’ve destroyed a small part of you. Which doesn’t feel so great for me either by the way.”

Sirius lifted his hands off the table minutely, a small gesture of acknowledgement. “Yeah, I bet.”

“So what is it?” Remus pushed on, but his voice was wavering now. “What do you want me to do? And don’t just say what you think that I want to hear because that isn’t helping either of us.”

“I don’t know,” Sirius forced out, finally. But that didn’t satisfy Remus, who breathed out the most unamused huff in response, spurring Sirius to elaborate with _ something_. “I’m sorry. The whole situation really brings me down, Remus. I know you have my back and you don’t stand for them saying anything negative about me, but when I’m walking around their house and hear them make some stupid comment to you about my age or my hair or whatever the fuck they can find to nitpick about me that day, it’s like I’m 15-years-old all over again, existing in a house where I am not wanted.”

Remus was quiet after Sirius said it, and Sirius was surprised that he had, in all honesty. But his emotions had become unfiltered after the events of the day, and one of his walls was inevitably going to crumble. 

“I imagine that’s not a good feeling,” Remus spoke up, voice soft again, and Sirius picked up on some sadness in there too.

“It’s awful,” Sirius admitted dully, and it was easier than he would have thought. “I’ve worked so hard not to feel like that in my normal life, you know that — to not feel like everything I do is up for some critique, like I don’t have to walk around on eggshells because nothing that I accomplish is ever going to be good enough. Fuck me, I’d rather go spend my free time with the Potters when I think about it. Or the fucking hospital. Be around people who _ want _to be around me,” he threw out there erratically, to really drive the point home, but he felt a pang of regret as soon as he did. “Sorry,” he concluded with a mutter after he was met with a long stretch of silence from Remus. He rested his elbows on the table and leaned his head forward into his hands, fingers pushing roughly into his hair as he tried to resist the urge to bang his head on the table for saying too much. “I don’t think I mean all that.”

The noise of a chair being pulled across the wood floor preceded the feeling of a hand landing on his thigh and when Sirius looked back up, he found that Remus was now sitting next to him, looking at him expectantly. Sirius took a deep breath before swiveling his body to face Remus full on — knees pressed against knees — Remus grabbing Sirius soundly by the wrists a moment later. 

“Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry,” Remus spoke earnestly. “I didn’t connect the dots and see that it was bringing you back to that. I should have put it all together. Why didn’t you tell me until now?”

“It’s difficult for me to gauge, Remus,” Sirius muttered, and he wished that he could wave it all off given the hurt written across Remus’ face. “They are small comments and I don’t know if I am being hyper-sensitive or not. I know that your parents are generally nice and nothing like my family, so it makes me feel ridiculous—”

“It’s not,” Remus cut him off resolutely, a clenched jaw accentuating the fortitude of his words before he elaborated onward. “But you have to tell me these things, whether you feel like they are ridiculous or not. If you don’t tell me then I sit here and wonder what the fuck I did to make you act like you’re a million miles away. I have no way of fixing it if you don’t tell me. That’s what is frustrating, Sirius. It’s not as if I can’t tell that something is wrong — but not knowing what the problem is makes me feel so fucking helpless.”

Sirius released a pained noise at that revelation, giving Remus a once over as he collected his thoughts to try and explain the rationale that had led them here. “I don’t want to create a problem that I’m not even sure exists because I had a different expectation of what your parents would be like. Or because I had a fucked-up childhood that still takes up space in my mind no matter what I do to erase it.”

Remus’ gentle grip on his wrists remained firm as his thumbs began to draw circles on the underside of Sirius forearms. “If something is bringing you back to how you felt when you lived at your parents’ house then there is undoubtedly a problem.”

Sirius huffed, the assertive simplicity of Remus’ conclusion pulling it out as more of a cry than a laugh. And with it, he felt impossibly lighter, a weight lifted off of him that he hadn’t realized was even there until it was gone. “I feel like an idiot,” he breathed out.

“Why?” Remus asked gently.

“You’re so bloody reasonable,” he threw out. “And understanding.”

“When have I not been?” Remus pushed on, not letting Sirius off the hook just yet.

“I know, Rem,” Sirius sighed, trying to pull a hand up to his hair by habit, but Remus held him still. “But that’s part of it too. You’re so easy to be with. I don’t want to be the one who is constantly bringing problems and complaints into the relationship.”

Remus looked him over thoroughly. “I’m going to have something eventually come up that is going to cause us to put our lives on hold. It’s life, and I think you already know that better than most. Everybody has something in their past that has affected them negatively, and everybody has something in their future that is going to tear them into pieces. It’s inevitable. And you’ll be here for me when that happens, won’t you?”

Sirius laughed morosely, because what a sad turn this night had taken. “Of course I will. Without question,” and then he groaned because yes, that had been Remus’ point all along. 

“Exactly,” Remus’ voice rang with gratification. “It isn’t an inconvenience, it isn’t a burden. There is nothing that is going to scare me off. So why is it difficult to believe that _ I want to be here for you_?”

Sirius nodded his head in surrender and Remus, bless his heart, shot him a reassuring smile. “I don’t know. It’s not something I’ve relied on before, and how stupid is that?”

Remus shifted forward and sent another squeeze to Sirius’ wrists. “Well now you do. And you have for a while.”

Sirius gave him a curt nod, he couldn’t argue with that. “Yeah.”

“Good,” Remus said emphatically as he leaned back into his chair and moved his hands down to Sirius’ knees, mission apparently accomplished and whatnot. “Can we please talk about Christmas plans with my parents without you clamming up now?”

Sirius ducked his head, breathing out another laugh because Remus had earned it. “Alright. And can I just say—”

“Say it.”

He met Remus’ gaze right on. “They are kind of assholes to me.”

Remus’ mouth curled upward. “That’s the spirit,” he said brightly as he gestured in a way which communicated that Sirius had the floor.

“What the fuck else could they want for you?” Sirius waxed on, this sudden rant surprising the both of them. “I put myself through medical school, I’m in my residency, I listen to you go on and on about Hammurabi’s Code—”

“That in itself should be enough for anybody,” Remus threw out graciously.

“—and I really fucking love you,” Sirius concluded, enunciating each individual word slowly, because Remus deserved to hear it spelled out for him after all of that. “What more could they want?”

Remus leaned forward, pushing down on Sirius knees, and kissed him tenderly, tongue tracing along Sirius’ bottom lip as Sirius leaned into it and moved his lips to match the rhythm that Remus set. It was sweet and teasing, but Remus still had something on his mind, so he pulled away a few seconds later. 

“Sirius, if it were anybody else who reacted to you like my parents, what would you do?” he posed the question with interest.

“I wouldn’t take it,” Sirius answered without a thought.

“Right,” Remus continued pointedly. “Just be yourself with them. Shoot a snarky comment right back at them if you must, show them that it doesn’t bother you and it’s all just as ridiculous as you know it is.”

Sirius furrowed his brows. “It won’t bother you?”

Remus gave a quick shake of his head. “You have my full approval to respond however you would like to them. Don’t walk on eggshells, just be yourself.”

“Alright,” Sirius answered, appreciating the sentiment but still not wholly convinced. However, this was not the first piece of cliche advice he had been given that day, so apparently he needed it. 

“I don’t mean to put the burden on you,” Remus continued, bringing out and then promptly ignoring a not-so-inspired ‘uh huh’ from Sirius, “but I think you are going to find that you enjoy their company a lot more when you don’t cower to whatever they say.” Remus went quiet for a moment and gave Sirius a particularly adorable shrug. “You’re brilliant as you are, stop hiding it away because you feel like you have to be something that you aren’t.”

Sirius aimed a grateful smile at Remus. He had a unique way of explaining things that made everything suddenly make sense to Sirius — a way that made him feel ridiculous for ever seeing the situation as anything else — and Sirius certainly appreciated the clarity on this particular subject.

“I don’t mind if they come for Christmas,” he decided.

Remus’ expression transformed into one of surprise. “Are you sure?”

“I think it could be fun,” he answered slowly, and with a skeptical tone that he didn’t attempt to suppress since Remus surely understood that a healthy dose of skepticism was warranted here. “It’s a good opportunity.”

“I agree.”

Sirius sucked in a breath through his teeth. “Maybe we can all go out on a night that I get back from the hospital at a decent time?”

Remus smiled knowingly. “We’ll save Buckingham Palace for you.”

Sirius grinned brightly and reached down to give Remus’ knee a hard squeeze. “Bless you. If you had gone without me and come back with a Prince-George-Wearing-Shorts-And-Knee-High-Socks spotting, I would have lost it, and I’m already hanging by a thread here, Remus.”

Remus made a face that lingered on the precipice of disbelief and utter delight. “I know, babe, you’d have never looked at me again.”

“The last straw,” Sirius deadpanned.

“I would never,” Remus swore, the juxtaposition of his earnest eyes with his goofy grin sending Sirius’ stomach fluttering into another world completely. “So I’ll go ahead and book the tickets to Prague tomorrow? Those dates still work?”

“I’ll text you once I get to the hospital, okay?” Sirius said, running a thumb over Remus’ hand, “I’m almost positive they do but I just want to run it by Shacklebolt.”

“Great. I can’t wait.”

Sirius smiled easily. “Same.”

Remus pushed off of Sirius’ knees and stood up, relocating his hands onto Sirius’ shoulders and leaning down to kiss him again. One hand moved to caress his neck as Sirius tilted it back to match Remus’ pace and intensity.

“Are you done eating?” Remus mumbled against the corner of Sirius’ mouth, thumb drawing circles on top of the soft spot behind his ear.

“Sure,” Sirius answered, but it came out as a pathetic mumble for how relaxed he felt.

Remus laughed. “I’ll clean up then,” he determined, letting his hand glide from Sirius’ neck down the length of his arm, giving his bicep a squeeze before taking the leftovers back to the kitchen. 

Sirius turned back to his plate and took another couple of large bites, his appetite still alive and well. “I can help you.”

“Nope,” Remus was resolute. “Just finish eating and then go into the bedroom—”

“I do love it when you order me around,” Sirius chimed merrily as he flashed Remus a winner’s smile.

“—and pick out what you want to watch,” Remus finished his sentence with a laugh, but then straightened his face, zoned in on Sirius, and added, his voice assertive now, “naked.”

Sirius barked out the loudest laugh, taking two final bites before taking his plate over to the dishwasher and giving Remus’ hip a squeeze along the way. 

“You might have been joking,” Sirius whispered into his ear, pressing himself against Remus’ back while Remus worked on cleaning the largest pot, his fingers lightly dancing their way underneath the waistband of his trousers, “but I’m not.”

“Go pick something out,” Remus said unfeelingly now, voice hoarse, and Sirius knew that he’d done his job. “Let me finish this up.”

“Mhm,” Sirius agreed, lifting his hands up Remus’ chest before swiveling on his feet and heading out of the kitchen towards the bedroom. He rid himself of his shirt in the process and achieved the perfect throw, hitting Remus square in the face with the discarded shirt before it fell to the floor. “Any requests?”

“Next episode of the Sopranos?” Remus asked, taking the hit like a champ.

Sirius froze in the doorway to the bedroom, feeling like he had walked face first into the door that was actually standing wide open. He held onto the door frame and swallowed hard as the thoughts seeped right back in. _ Cedric. _

“Do you mind if I pick something else?” he asked, his eyes about to burn a hole into the wall as he worked on keeping his voice even and normal.

“Go for it,” Remus responded, loud enough that Sirius could hear him clearly over the faucet that had just turned on, and then, “has Cedric not been watching anymore of them?”

“Yeah, he hasn’t been feeling up to it,” Sirius called back unfeelingly.

It was quiet for a beat and then, “That’s a shame. Pick whatever you want then. Surprise me.”

“Yep,” Sirius called back as he moved into the bedroom, absentmindedly pulling off his joggers before locating the remote and crawling into the bed. He hoped that Remus didn’t take too much longer, for he was the one person who could help Sirius forget about this horribly fucked-up day until he woke up to face it all again tomorrow.


	5. The Shirt Withdrawn

The weather was shifting, the temperature outside had finally dropped which made it all the better when Sirius woke up warm and snug underneath the large down-comforter that Remus had insisted on buying when they had moved in together.

A good investment, he thought blissfully.

A quick glance out the window, and the fact that his alarm had not blared through the room yet, told Sirius that it wasn’t too late. He still had time to enjoy a slow morning in bed. And even better, another peak to the left side of the bed found Remus propped up against a couple of pillows. His laptop was sitting on his lap and a steaming cup of tea sat on the nightstand beside him. 

Sirius appreciated the view for a minute. Remus wasn’t dressed yet, Sirius could surmise through the single thin sheet draped over Remus’ lap, only wearing a t-shirt and boxers. But his hair was wet and curled, which let Sirius know that he had been awake for a little while. He was focused on his computer screen, lips twitching every couple of seconds as one finger glided around the touchpad, and it was the most intriguing thing that Sirius had seen in some time.

“Hi,” Sirius smiled lazily at him, giving a full body stretch and letting a couple of fingers glide up against Remus shoulder in the process, one bleary eye closed as he focused on taking in the sight with his other. It was a luxury to wake up before his alarm, and even more of a luxury to wake up with Remus still in bed next to him.

Remus turned his gaze down to Sirius, a slow appreciative smile lining his mouth. “Hey you.”

Sirius’ fingers lingered on the collar of Remus’ t-shirt and gave it an unnecessary tug. “What time is it?” he asked. 

Remu gave another quick glance to his laptop screen. “It’s 7:50.”

Early. Sirius hummed and pushed his hand up the nape of Remus’ neck, fingers playing with the first lock of wet curls that he could reach. “What are you looking at?”

“Airbnb,” Remus answered simply as he turned the screen away from Sirius. “Trying to figure out where we should stay while we are in Prague.”

“Mmm, I want to see,” Sirius murmured as he moved to roll over and perch his head on Remus’ shoulder. But his efforts were rendered useless when Remus slammed the laptop shut before he could even sneak one singular peek.

“It’s a surprise,” Remus informed him matter-of-factly.

“Oooh,” Sirius crooned in utter delight against the crook of Remus’ neck, throwing a kiss in there because he could. “Show me.”

“No,” Remus replied with satisfaction, leaning down to place the laptop on the floor before settling himself back in place, extending his arm around Sirius this time and pulling him close.

Sirius shifted into the embrace, enjoying the closeness for some time. He let Remus wrap his other arm around his waist and hummed happily when his fingers began to massage along the long divet of his spine. But Sirius had some ideas of his own as well, and after a few more moments passed, he spoke up again. 

“What are you even doing here?” Sirius muttered as he lazily, but successfully, shuffled himself between Remus’ legs, his hands moving up his legs and his head resting around Remus’ left hip bone. “Not that I am complaining,” he added with a slow squeeze of Remus’ thigh.

“Faculty meeting got cancelled,” Remus supplied as a thumb moved to outline the shape of Sirius’ mouth, tracing it upward when it pulled into a smile.

“Lucky me,” Sirius sing-songed with a nip at Remus’ navel as both of his hands travelled under the leg of Remus’ boxers. 

Remus hummed and sank down a little lower. Sirius moved right along with him easily, pushing up a bit to sit back on his heels and letting Remus’ legs lie on either side of him. “What would you like to do today?” Remus asked, unperturbed. 

Sirius leaned forward to leave a kiss in the region between Remus’ navel and his waistband, hand still massaging firmly up Remus’ thigh. “I’m meeting Caradoc at the park at 10. I’ll be back before noon though.”

“That’s right,” Remus muttered.

“After that I’m free.” Sirius smiled up down at him, hands moving further up higher and giving the outer sides of his thighs a firm squeeze.

“You want to go out and grab lunch once you get back? Get some errands done while we are out? I could use some new shirts for work if you want to tag along.”

“That sounds fun,” Sirius answered, but he was much more intrigued by the direction his right hand was moving. He gripped Remus’ lightly once he got there, finding him mostly hard already. He bit down on his bottom lip as he began to stroke Remus, watching him intently.

Remus groaned softly, his eyes closing fluttering closed from the focused attention on him. “Then we can relax here for the rest of the day, I’m sure you could use the rest,” he managed to say, even with far more interesting things going on. 

Sirius hummed. “What I could really use,” he started, hand gripped tighter now and his voice matter-of-fact, “is to fuck you right about now.”

Remus huffed out a hoarse laugh, elongating his body a bit while gesturing a hand between them. “Well then by all means.”

Sirius withdrew his hands from underneath the boxers a second later, tugging them down by the waistband with his forefingers the next, and Remus shimmied his lower half to help the process along. He brought his knees in a bit, and Sirius took the opportunity to pull the boxers completely off and throw them onto the floor before situating each of Remus’ calves on each side of his hips. Always quick to get the point, Remus rid himself of shirt just after, throwing it to the floor before raising his eyebrows expectantly.

“You might want to get rid of yours too,” he smirked helpfully. 

Sirius slapped the side of his arse in response. “Thanks, git.”

Remus laughed again as Sirius crawled over him, placing one hand to the side of his body and the other next to his head. He lowered himself down with control, until his mouth laid on top of Remus’, and Remus moved one hand into Sirius’ hair, pulling Sirius closer and kissing him slowly. A sigh rolled out of Remus’ mouth and right on into Sirius’, spurring him on that much more. 

He shifted slightly to reach for the lube that sat on the edge of Remus’ nightstand, holding it in his hand as he brought his fist back down on the bed to meet Remus’ mouth for another couple of seconds.

“I love you,” he mumbled as he pressed his mouth and body against Remus’, waiting to hear the other man’s reciprocation before shifting his weight back to his knees and situating himself to sit back on his heels once again. 

Sirius uncapped the bottle of lube and poured the appropriate amount onto his hand and Remus watched him with full alertness, following every move that Sirius took with rapt attention. One hand moved lower as the other hitched Remus’ leg around his hip, and as he began to work Remus open, Sirius’ eyes absorbed every change in his body along the way; eyes being dragged closed, the twitch of a hip, breathing becoming deeper — long even pulls as his chest rose and fell — an elongated neck, and then the movement of his other leg to rest above Sirius’ hip to lie symmetrically to the other, legs butterflied open. 

And it didn’t take long to get Remus ready, particularly not after Sirius started using his free hand to stroke Remus’ cock during it all — lightly at first, fingers merely dancing along skin, until Remus grew far too impatient to remain quiet, and Sirius took a firmer grasp. 

He continued on like that for a good while, enjoying the view along the way because it wasn’t too often he was in this position, plus he knew how long Remus could last — an impressively long while — so he saw nothing wrong with drawing this out for as long as he saw fit. And Sirius did take his time, if only to watch Remus writhe a bit beneath him, before stilling his hand and removing the other to use it to guide himself in, breathing out his own long breath of air as he saw Remus do the same just as much as he felt it.

Sirius placed his hands just above Remus’ hips, helping to hold him just elevated enough as he moved his hips slowly, giving Remus enough time to adjust, taking his time until a desperate hand grabbed at his own and squeezed hard enough that the message was clear. 

And moments like this felt so simple between them. Sirius always felt like their connection was undeniable, and nothing else had ever been as easy for him as this. An unspoken trust that had been there from their very first time in Greece, and then again when they finally reunited years later, he found that nothing at all had changed; he knew that it never would in this respect. And an overwhelming feeling rushed over him that he wasn’t sure how he would have made it through the last couple of years without Remus and this bond between them that had not begun to dull yet. 

Sirius’ pace had picked up, steered by the same curse word escaping Remus’ mouth over and over again, and Sirius somehow zeroed in his focus to account for any other tells — the press of his nails against Sirius’ hand, the pounding of a fist against the mattress, the arch of his back, leverage to push back against Sirius harder, deeper, more direct — and that low guttural moan that Sirius had grown accustomed to which told him Remus was enjoying it just as much as he was. 

Remus leaned forward a bit, coming up on one elbow to grab Sirius by the arm, pulling him forward, and if that’s what Remus wanted, then who was Sirius to deny him. One forearm found its way next to Remus’ head and Sirius let his hand hang just inches’ from Remus face, catching his gaze and holding it as they both breathed frenzied air against each others’ lips.

Remus’ hand grasped onto Sirius’ hip. “Slow down,” he whispered hoarsely.

The words sunk in a beat later, and although he hadn’t been going on that fast, he slowed the push of his hips, switching to a longer and more languid pace. Precise. “Like this?” he asked quietly.

_“Ah,” _Remus keened, using his legs to pull Sirius deeper. “Yeah, just like that, babe,” he murmured, a hand pushing roughly into Sirius’ hair and giving it one long tug as his breath hitched again, louder this time. “I love you,” he managed to articulate before another poignant thrust shattered his ability to form any more words.

Sirius huffed out something skin to a cry in response, breathy and caught off guard, but kept his rhythm slow and consistent, as torturous as that was. “I love you,” he breathed back, a bit gutted, twisting his wrist firmly, eyes pulled wide open as Remus lost the battle with himself and his head tilted fully back onto the pillow. 

And he felt spurred on further, leaving one long kiss on the corner of Remus’ slightly opened mouth before resting his head in the crook of Remus’ neck, taking the opportunity to speak more words of adoration into his ear as he brought them both closer and closer to climax. 

He kept the pace of his hips slow, because that is what Remus had asked for, and the far-off look on his face told Sirius that he shouldn’t mess with that, but the increased speed of his hand seemed to be a huge hit, and from his vantage point, Sirius was sure that Remus had entered into a realm new altogether. 

Minutes passed like that, slow and drawn out for Sirius, and far more intense for Remus. Sirius’ hand moved to an unrelenting pace as he watched Remus fall over the edge, arching his back and pushing deeply against Sirius as he contracted around him and coated his hand upon fully reaching climax. 

Sirius slowed down even more, not stopping altogether for how incredible it felt, but wanting to give Remus at least a short respite to catch his breath. But the firm squeeze of heels on his lower back let him know that the break wasn’t necessary, and that was all the encouragement that Sirius needed to carry on. One of Remus’ hands held onto his hip firmly, coaxing him to move faster now, while the other pulled harder at his hair, and it didn’t take much more than that for Sirius to fall over the edge himself, not with the increased pace and Remus’ teeth tugging roughly at his bottom lip along the way. 

Sensation overload. Like it always was between them. 

Sirius took approximately two minutes to catch his breath, Remus’ legs falling back onto the bed as both hands nestled their way behind his head now, gently bringing Sirius’ mouth to lie on top of his own, kissing him softly as Sirius worked to merely regain his ability to breathe.

“I love you,” Remus repeated again, his own breath still belabored but far more controlled than Sirius’, and hands moving back to his hips to maneuver Sirius flat on his back. 

Sirius let out a huff of air, out of amazement more than anything, and it was all he could muster at the moment. He shot Remus a satisfied grin as he reached a hand over to squeeze affectionately at his hip, letting the gesture speak for him. 

And with a quick kiss to Sirius’ forehead, Remus left the bed — not one to opt for cuddling when there was a shower to be had — and Sirius gave into the numbness of his limbs, pinning him to the bed like a ton of weights, and let himself doze off as the sound of the shower lulled in the background. 

The slam of a drawer brought him out of it a while later, and Sirius opened his eyes as Remus finished pulling on a fresh pair of boxers and headed towards the closet.

“Well, fuck me,” Sirius finally managed to huff as Remus re-emerged wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans. But Sirius was more than happy to remain lying there — one leg propped up and arms stretched over his head — until he had absolutely had to vacate their ridiculously comfortable bed.

“Later,” Remus provided helpfully, pulling a long laugh out of Sirius’ chest as he brought his hands up to lie under his head, having a good time watching Remus do whatever it was that he was doing around the room. “After you help me pick out some new shirts.”

“Lupin, I cannot,” Sirius proclaimed with a full body stretch. “I mean the shirts, yes, that will be fun.”

“Do you want breakfast before you leave?” Remus called as he made his way out of the bedroom, two seconds before the sound of Sirius’ alarm blared through his phone, notifying him that it was 9 o’clock, and therefore, time for him to get his arse out of bed. 

“I’ll just grab a banana and an egg after my shower or something, don’t worry about it,” Sirius answered as he rolled over to shut off his phone before slowly dragging himself out of the bed. 

Remus popped his head into the room, hair a completely disheveled mess of curls, but his face determined nonetheless. “Yeah, so I’m gonna make you a couple of eggs then.” 

Sirius laughed under his breath as he rifled through the drawers for his running gear. “Alright, but keep it light.” Remus gave him a quick squint before his head popped right out from where it came. 

Fifteen minutes and one indulgent shower later found Sirius standing at the counter, eating a couple of scrambled eggs and two pieces of toast at a ferocious pace. His stomach appreciated Remus’ effort, even though he had dismissed it in the first place. He wasn’t usually this hungry in the morning, but this particular day had gotten off to such a spectacularly physical start and he was feeling the effects.

“Good?” Remus grinned through a bite of his own. 

Sirius shoveled a pile of eggs into his mouth. “Disgusting,” he grinned back.

Remus smiled wider while he just watched Sirius feed himself for a good long minute. “You think you’ll be exhausted after the run?” he asked, putting his own plate in the dishwasher.

Sirius shook his head resolutely. “After this breakfast? Fuck no. I’ll be rejuvenated and ready to watch you try on all of the shirts that Oxford Street has to offer.”

“Okay,” Remus mumbled through a laugh. 

Another large bite, and he began to elaborate while chewing. “I will be ready to watch as you try on a shirt and then,” he paused and wrinkled his face for the right effect, “hem and haw about whether or not the color is right on you, or whether the buttons are appropriately placed, or whether, ‘hm, I think the sleeves are too short when I move my arms like limp noodles, Sirius,’” he spoke for Remus, bringing his voice down a pitch as he always did when carrying these two sided conversations on his own, switching back to his own voice a moment later, “even though I say ‘but Remus, there will never be a time when you are teaching that you will need to move your arms like limp noodles being flung around,’ but ‘oh you never know Sirius,’ but yes Remus, I’m pretty sure I do,” Sirius seemed to conclude with certainty, punctuating the statement with the loud crunch of toast between his teeth. He chewed for approximately three seconds before thinking better of it, and adding, with an accusatory point of his finger, “But what do I know, I’m just some guy who wears the same blue scrubs every day, right? I’m only the love of your life, but what could I ever know?”

Remus placed an elbow on the countertop, mulling over the long monologue as his chin sat in his hand. “I’m not going to pay over 50 pounds for a piece of clothing that doesn’t fit properly.” 

“Let me just say then, I am fully prepared to go on this little excursion with you, to spend about three hours going through various shops and watching you try on a variety of shirts, 90 percent of which will look _exceptional _on you. And I’m fully prepared for you to come away having only purchased one of them,” Sirius waxed on, energetic as ever — there wasn’t anything like a spectacular orgasm to put him in this great of a mood — and getting one solid blink from Remus before getting to his point. “But I expect a show from you, Remus. This companionship isn’t free and _I want to see_ _a show,”_ Sirius emphasized, slamming his fist against the counter to match the final syllables of his demand. 

“A show?” 

“No slumping out of the dressing room this time,” Sirius explained with a flippant wave of his hand. “And I get to throw some shirt choices in the mix too, and a couple of well-fitting pairs of jeans. Make it a little spontaneous. Unpredictable. Maybe even throw in a waistcoat? Who knows? You have a reputation to maintain.”

Remus’ eyebrows were raised during the spiel, and he sent Sirius a lazy shrug when he finally went quiet. “I’ll try on a waistcoat,” he acquiesced.

Sirius released the loudest exhale he could muster and threw his hands high into the air in victory. Remus laughed out loud and Sirius chalked that up as a win as he moved around the counter to deposit his plate in the dishwasher.

He left Remus with a sloppy kiss on the neck before moving out of the kitchen and returning to the bedroom to grab a pair of socks out of the drawer and his running shoes from the closet. A quick rummage through his backpack brought out his headphones, and after grabbing his phone and a light jacket, he was ready to head out for the walk to Hyde Park. 

“I’m about to head out—” he called before he bumped directly into Remus who was making his way into the bedroom as Sirius was exiting. “Oof, sorry.”

“Hey, the weather is so nice out today,” Remus started as he reached out to steady Sirius, a hand on either shoulder, “what if I tag along with you?”

“Oh,” Sirius froze for a second. “Really?”

“Yeah, I was going to grade some papers, but I would rather do that tomorrow when it’s raining.” Remus paused and his face dropped into confusion when Sirius didn’t respond right away. “Is that not okay?”

Sirius swallowed. “We are going for 15 kilometers today, and our pace is going to be pretty quick. Are you sure you want to?” he asked with apprehension that was so uncharacteristically Sirius that even he had to fight off a cringe.

“I’m not going to run _ with _ you guys the entire time,” Remus spoke slowly, his eyes watching Sirius’s face closely as his hands dropped down to his sides. “I thought I’d tag along and run five or so kilometers at your pace and then wait for you to finish while I listen to one of my podcasts. It would be nice to be out in the sun for a change.”

Sirius nodded once. “Yeah, that sounds nice, Rem.”

But Remus wasn’t convinced as he took a step back to get a better view of Sirius. “I thought it might be nice to meet Caradoc, but would you not like me to?” he asked with furrowed eyebrows.

“No,” Sirius responded nonchalantly as he moved past Remus and made his way into the living room to put his shoes on. “I mean, yeah, of course you should come. That sounds great.”

“You’re sure?” Remus asked, but his voice was laced with _ something _ and Sirius wanted to kick himself for it. Remus was perceptive, and Sirius wasn’t sure why, but he felt like he had given something away, and he wasn’t even sure what that was. 

“Yes,” he asserted with feeling as a shoelace slipped through the grasp of his fingers and he had to start the tying process all over again. “Go get changed and we will head out.”

“Great,” Remus nodded before moving back into the bedroom and emerging back a couple of minutes later outfitted to run.

They left the flat with more than enough time to arrive at Hyde Park before 10 o’clock. Remus was a bit quieter than usual on the walk over, only acknowledging Sirius’ occasional thought about whatever popped into his head, which put Sirius further on edge. But it would be fine, he told himself, there was no reason that Remus and Cardoc should not meet. A particularly joyful bulldog waddled by them at some point, bringing appreciative laughter out of both of them, and that little positive interaction was enough to put Sirius at ease.

They reached the park with a couple of minutes to spare and Sirius dove right into the stretching routine that had become habit as they waited for Caradoc to arrive at the agreed upon meeting spot. Remus joined in lackadaisically but mostly just focused on his phone while Sirius went through his series of stretches. 

“Do you two listen to music while you run?” Remus asked.

Sirius looked up at Remus from the lower position that the lunge had put him in. “Yep, and one of us will use an app to pace us. We don’t talk much while we are running.”

“Perfect, so I can at least jam away as I drag along behind you.”

“With those legs of yours I wouldn’t be surprised if you take the lead,” Sirius clicked his tongue twice before motioning playing along the length of Remus’ legs.

Remus snorted and shook his head in that way that made Sirius positively beam. “Yeah, babe. Alright.”

Sirius stood up and planted a lingering kiss on Remus’ mouth before a quick scan of the park informed him that Caradoc was approaching the two of them, one hand fiddling with his phone while the other was tucked into the pocket of his windbreaker. He looked up, presumably spotting Sirius for the first time, and gestured a quick wave of acknowledgement as he closed the space between them.

“Hey,” Caradoc smiled, his eyes flickering to Remus, but his smile never wavering. “You must be Remus,” he stuck his hand out in Remus’ direction and Remus shook it immediately. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Sirius watched as Remus returned the smile, but it wasn’t his usual smile — it was actually a smile that Sirius had never seen on him before, not quite reaching his eyes, but he was probably just being paranoid.

“I’ve heard a lot about you too, Caradoc. It’s nice to meet you,” Remus rested his hand on top of Sirius’ shoulder and responded easily, adding a beat later, “I’m so glad you and Sirius have taken up this whole training thing together. It’s really given him a lot more energy, you know?”

Caradoc raised his eyebrows as he balanced on one foot and held a simple quad stretch. “I would imagine,” he responded lightly. Sirius swiveled his head between the two, noting that Remus’ eye contact was unrelenting. “Always nice to have a life outside of work, especially for how much time he spends there.”

“Absolutely,” Remus smiled and then Caradoc’s gaze turned over to Sirius. 

“Are you doing better then?” he asked with a tilt of his chin.

“Yeah, I’m great,” Sirius responded nonchalantly with a nod and an easy gesture of his hand, but he felt his pulse quicken nevertheless, because the worry that had laced Caradoc’s question had been palpable. And yes, this was why he had felt uncomfortable with Remus coming along — it was painfully obvious now that the topic had been thrown out into the open, and he felt the impulse to shut it down quickly. “Should we get—”

“Better than what?” Remus’ cocked his head, eyes lingering on Sirius expectantly, his eyebrows furrowed and his face full of concern. 

Sirius began to open his mouth to brush it off, but Caradoc beat him to the punch. 

“Fuck, I’m sure Sirius told you that he lost a patient a couple of days ago?” Caradoc asked and Sirius felt his eyes close with the weight of the words. “Nothing to do with him, of course. He did everything that he could, it was just out of his hands.”

Silence. “Right,” Remus sighed eventually, his voice sounding foreign to Sirius. And then, “Cedric. The young guy with heart failure.”

“Yeah,” Caradoc continued on, and Sirius opened his eyes, not daring to look at Remus yet, “he took it pretty hard at the hospital, you probably know that already. You’re probably the reason he’s been able to bounce back so quickly.”

Remus coughed at this bit of information and Sirius chanced a glimpse over at him. He was looking at Sirius, but his face was expressionless. And that was just terrible enough that Sirius felt the sweeping desire to crawl out of his body altogether. 

Remus licked his lips. “You know what? I was thinking that I would be able to keep pace with the two of you, but I just realized that I haven’t actually run in over a year, so I’m going to bow out gracefully. I wouldn’t want to hold you two back.” Remus paused for a moment and a dry laugh came out of his mouth before he continued, looking straight at Sirius now. “Or embarass myself because _ I just can’t keep up _.”

Sirius looked away, unable to hold the intensity of his eye contact for any longer than he already had, unable to say anything in front of Caradoc like this. Or perhaps he was unable to say anything to Remus at all right now, regardless of who else was around.

“No, you’ll be fine,” Caradoc spoke up and Sirius appreciated it; the silence was taking him apart bit by bit. “We don’t need to go super fast—”

“Good luck on your 15k,” Remus cut in, his tone incredibly decisive and deceptively pleasant, but Sirius knew better. He pushed his earbuds into his ears and gestured to Caradoc. “It was so great to meet you,” he added before turning and jogging swiftly away without another look at Sirius.

“Did I say something?” Caradoc asked after a few moments had passed. And Sirius still felt frozen, but he had a strong inclination not to let the other man in on what had just happened. 

“No,” he managed to chuckle, and he had to admit it sounded convincing. And then his stomach sunk because yes, he had had some practice with this recently. “I warned him that our run was going to be intense, but I think he only just comprehended that it would be 15 kilometers.”

Caradoc furrowed his brows, looking unconvinced. “He looks like he’s in good enough shape. He doesn’t know—”

“No,” Sirius cut him off, not wanting to be reminded of the other bit of information he hadn’t let Remus in on yet. “Let’s just get the run in, yeah?”

“Sure,” Caradoc acquiesced, dropping into a side lunge, and if he sensed that something was off with Sirius, he was kind enough to pretend that he didn’t. “I stretched a lot at home, but just give me a couple more minutes?”

“Yep,” Sirius nodded, turning in the direction where Remus had gone. He was out of sight now, so Sirius took the free moment to pull out his phone, bracing himself before checking the screen to see if there were any new messages. 

But there was nothing. And Sirius couldn’t for the life of him figure out if that was a relief or a disappointment.

“I’ll pace us?” Caradoc asked, breaking through the thoughts in Sirius’ head as he pulled out his phone and flashed Sirius the running app he was set to use. “You ready to go?”

Sirius cleared his throat and dialed up the playlist he had prepared. “Yep, let’s get going,” he agreed, and the two of them set off. 

The next 75 minutes were either the slowest or the quickest that Sirius had lived through in some time. The run felt like nothing but background noise while thoughts ran through his head about what would be waiting for him once he returned back home. Perhaps he should have forgotten the run altogether, chased after Remus with the explanation that he deserved. Probably, but he had frozen in place. So he pushed through the run, pulling Caradoc along with him as he ignored the pace they had originally agreed upon, opting to chase the pain in his legs and the burning in his lungs instead. 

He wanted the run to last forever, to tackle something as simple as physical pain in an effort to avoid whatever was waiting for him at the end of it. But he also wanted to get it over with as soon as possible, because the uncertainty of what was waiting was eating further into him with every stride that he took. 

But eventually they reached the end of their 15k and Sirius could not take it anymore. No new notifications on his phone sent his anxiety to a level it had never reached regarding Remus. A quick rebuff of whatever Caradoc had suggested after their run had him jogging back to the flat and pulling the door open by 11:30. 

His heart dropped when he found the flat empty, and he teetered on the edge of wanting to call Remus to find out where he was and wanting to just wait it out to give his partner however much space he needed. 

Because Sirius had been caught in a giant fucking omission. And he didn’t have much to stand on at the moment. 

And so he waited. 

He took a shower first, only spending the minimal time under the spray to get clean before drying himself off quickly and getting dressed. Perhaps Remus had gone ahead with his errands without Sirius, he considered, and the thought of that left an ache in his stomach but at least provided an explanation as to his current whereabouts. Either way, he set about cleaning up the flat, deciding that it was better for his anxious mind than getting back into the bed that Remus had already made up that morning before they had left.

One o’clock rolled around, and Sirius looked up from where he sat in the living room to the sound of the door being unlocked. He put down the laundry he had been folding and watched without moving as Remus entered in through the doorway, heading straight to the kitchen without taking the effort to take in the surroundings.

Sirius cleared his throat. “Hi.”

Remus looked at him, but didn’t say anything as he moved through the kitchen, opening a cabinet to grab a large glass before moving back to the refrigerator to fill it with water. 

“Where did you go?” Sirius tried again, making sure that his tone was one of curiosity, not one of demands. 

Remus took a long drink. “I was at the gym. The one I always go to,” he answered dully.

“For three hours?” Sirius asked with raised eyebrows, and there was a slight huff of laughter in his voice that only slightly disguised how nervous he was.

“I don’t really want to be around you right now, Sirius,” Remus supplied matter-of-factly, unfeelingly, finishing off the glass of water in the next couple of seconds before setting the cup on the countertop far harder than was necessary.

Sirius swallowed. Hard. He expected it, but it still felt like being punched in the gut. “I’m sorry,” he breathed. He wasn’t sure how bad this was. He hadn’t thought it was so bad, but this was a new side of Remus that he had never encountered before.

More silence as Remus stood in the kitchen, fighting some sort of battle in his mind that Sirius was not privy to. He looked down at the countertop for minutes as Sirius waited on edge 

“I have been trying to talk to you for _months, _Sirius,” Remus started with force. “Months. And you’ve been placating me, and pushing me away, and telling me that it’s all in my head. Making me question myself and causing me to feel crazy and overbearing. And then I find out from Caradoc, who wants to fuck you by the way—”

“That’s ridiculous—”

“Shut up,” Remus laughed with frustration as he shook his head. “Shut up. _ Nothing _ that I have been feeling lately has been _ ridiculous, _ as much as you would like me to believe it is for some fucked up reason.” He accentuated his point with another round of silence, but Sirius knew instinctively that this was not the time to speak yet. Sure enough, Remus continued a moment later. “And I find out from him, off-handedly, that your patient, the one you have been telling me about, worrying about, for weeks, _ died _ a couple of days ago, Sirius.”

Sirius took a breath as Remus paused and stared him him expectantly, but remained silent. For all the time he had spent waiting for Remus to return, thinking about how he would explain it all, he still didn’t know where to start.

“When was it?”

“Wh—”

“When did he die?”

“On Monday during my shift,” Sirius answered without any feeling.

A second passed and then a breathy laugh was pulled out of Remus’ laugh, but it wasn’t driven by anything close to humor. “Fucking hell, Sirius,” Remus muttered angrily, pushing his hands over his face roughly. “That was the night that you were still up when I got home and you made dinner.”

“Yes,” Sirius confirmed, his own voice settling on a lifeless tone. He wondered vaguely if he should get up and move in the direction of the kitchen, but he had the strong intuition that Remus would prefer the physical space provided with him remaining where he was. 

Remus looked back up at Sirius, and Sirius had to avert his gaze. “It’s terrifying how good you are at keeping shit from me. How you can hide something so big in your life and leave me thinking that absolutely nothing in the world is wrong. I thought we had such a great night together—”

“We did—”

“We _didn’t,” _Remus snapped back right away. “You were lying to me the entire time, placating me and going along with my stupid story about Martha while brushing off any question I had about your day. Putting on a fake persona that I just accepted at face value because _why shouldn’t I believe the information that my goddamn partner is giving me_ when he interacts happily with me and has sex with me and sits at the table and assures me that everything is totally great? Or how about the _very_ _direct _questions I asked about Cedric?”

Sirius looked down at the floor and shook his head sadly. “I wasn’t ready to talk about it.” 

Remus barked out a quick laugh, and Sirius shivered a bit for how strongly he felt that it did not suit him. “Good, so lie about it instead,” he offered with faux enthusiasm.

“I shouldn’t have done that.” 

“You’d be continuing to do it if I hadn’t tagged along behind you this morning,” Remus responded dryly. Sirius opened his mouth with an answer, but froze when he realized that he didn’t have much to add to that. “Even though you didn’t want me to. And what am I supposed to think about that?”

Sirius sighed, placing his own head in his heads now and taking a deep breath before responding. “It’s my own weird reactions to shit, Remus. It’s not a reflection of you in any way.”

“_It affects me. _ Every lie you tell me and every omission you let slip through the cracks because you think I cannot handle whatever you need to tell me, affects me,” Remus’ voice was louder now, his anger apparent from the tone alone, and this was the only time that Sirius could ever recall Remus raising his voice at him. “Reverse the our roles for just a minute, Sirius. Think about how it would feel if something tragic happened at work — and I know it’s a stretch because I’m at a university and you are at a hospital — but just fucking try to work with me on this. Imagine that a couple of my favorite students were tragically killed in a car accident or something. And then imagine that I confided how heartbroken I was about it to an attractive colleague who had been mentoring me for the last couple of months _ instead of you. _ Perhaps you noticed something that something is off with me, that I’m aloof and distant and have this tinge of sadness that you can’t quite place. And then you find out from this colleague, who I spend a lot of time with nearly every day, that I have been lying to you, keeping information from you — but oh great, I have confided him in though—”

“I get it,” Sirius cut him off loudly, the rant grating on him enough to speak up now. “It’s fucking shit, Remus. I get it.”

“And he wants to fuck you, Sirius,” Remus emphasized again. “Which I understand. You’re an extremely attractive guy. Your energy is contagious and of course other guys want you. But that’s not the problem. The problem is _ you. _ You have been choosing to confide in him _ instead of me_.” Remus took a moment to let out a frustrated exhale, and Sirius felt himself beginning to detach. “I no longer know about what’s going on in your life, what’s going on in your head, but this guy does. I have been dying to be there for you, I have approached it from every single angle. You know I can sense when something is wrong and all I have wanted is to be there for you. But you would rather it be somebody else, so what do you think I am supposed to take away from that?”

Sirius bit his lip. “I didn’t want to put that burden on you,” he tried, but it sounded inadequate as soon as it came out of his mouth. He knew it wasn’t enough.

Remus scoffed before moving in the direction of the bathroom. Sirius heard him turn on the shower, but he remained seated on the couch. Remus came back out a moment later without his shirt on. 

“Do you talk to him about us?” he asked, and everything about his newly stoic tone made it worse.

Sirius turned his head and blinked. “What do you mean?”

“About our relationship.” Remus humored him, his eyes boring into Sirius intensely.

Sirius swallowed again. “Yeah. I have.”

Remus cringed visibly. “That just… God, Sirius. I…” he paused, averted his gaze, and tapped his fingers against the doorway in a way that let Sirius know that he was censoring himself. “You make me feel like you don’t even want to be in a relationship with me anymore. You must see that, right?”

“That’s the furthest thing from how I feel,” Sirius answered with bite.

Remus snorted. “There is nothing that you can _ say _ to make me feel better about this right now when everything you have been doing tells me something different.” Remus paused as he hit his closed fist against the doorframe in a series of successive beats. “I need to take a shower. I don’t know what else to say right now.” He turned around and shut the bathroom door behind him and Sirius felt absolutely sick. 

Sirius bit down on his tongue as he abandoned the rest of the laundry and went into the bedroom to sit on the edge of the bed. The adrenaline that was rushing through his veins was rendering him incapable of doing anything other than wait for Remus to reemerge. 

Remus didn’t take too long in the shower, maybe fifteen minutes, and Sirius was actually relieved for that as the bathroom door opened and a burst of warm humid air escaped into the bedroom. He was already fully dressed and toweling off his hair when he saw Sirius on the bed. With a low sigh, he threw the towel back into the bathroom and sat next to Sirius on the other side of the bed. 

“Fuck,” he muttered as he rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, looking straight ahead at the wall in front of them. Some of the edge from his voice was gone now, but the word still had a sturdy feel to it. 

Sirius pushed a hand into his hair as he crooked his head to the side and looked over at Remus. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“Don’t.” Remus shook his head with finality. “I’m sure you have some sort of explanation that makes sense to you. That might even make sense to me, but I’m not in the right frame of mind today. I’m not open to hearing about it. There is no way that I’m going to take anything constructively right now. I’m too angry.”

Sirius huffed out a laugh, beginning to feel annoyed by it all -- justified or not -- but quickly reined it back in considering there was nothing funny about the current situation. “So what do you want me to do then?”

“I need some space,” Remus resolved calmly. “I think I need to get a hotel or something tonight.”

Sirius swallowed. Then he took a breath. “Don’t do that. I can go stay at Alphard’s flat for a while. He’s out of town and I still have the key. He won’t mind.” 

Remus raked his fingers into his hair and Sirius picked up on the small bob of his head. “Good. Thank you. I’ll call you a cab.”

It was quiet for a while, but neither of them made a move to leave the room quite yet. “When will I see you again?” Sirius asked.

“I don’t know. Soon. Sunday night—”

“I have a shift,” Sirius cut him off.

“Well come home after that then. It’s not like I don’t want to sort this all out. I just need to do it after I have had some time.”

Sirius coughed softly, immediately feeling deeply uncomfortable in the space that he called home. “Yeah, alright,” he managed before pushing off of the bed and going over to the dresser to pull out a couple pairs of clean briefs and scrubs. He moved into the closet to grab a few more things and then his nightstand for his phone charger.

Remus broke the silence. “I don’t even feel like I’m the one you want anymore,” he concluded his voice far away and detached.

“Of course you are,” Sirius reacted quickly, as if it were obvious, because it was to him.

But Remus rolled his eyes. “You say that. But your actions communicate something else entirely to me. And maybe you should take some time to think about why that is.”

Sirius huffed. “Sure Remus,” he settled on. Because nothing else he said that day was going to be helpful. That’s not how Remus worked and Sirius wasn’t going to battle against a brick wall.

“Let me get you a cab,” Remus muttered for the second time as he began to reach into his pocket.

“No need. I’m going to take the tube,” Sirius decided as he moved into the bathroom to grab a couple more things to throw into his backpack. “I’ll see you sometime on Monday then,” he said as he stopped at the doorway of the room, fidgeting with his hands for _ anything _to do.

“Yep, see you then,” Remus answered lightly, and the ease of the response was enough to send him straight towards the front door.

“Hey,” Remus called after he opened it up to leave. Sirius paused and waited. “Text me when you get to Alphard’s, alright?”

With a quick by violent shake of his head, Sirius muttered something in the affirmative before stepping out of the flat and closing the door behind him.


	6. The Swing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooof, sorry for the delay on this one, I needed some time to reorganize the plot a bit. Final chapter will not be so long of a wait :). Thanks for reading along, and I hope you all are well!

Stepping into the hospital on Saturday morning turned out to be a good forcing function. It gave Sirius a reason to bury whatever issues were going on inside of him and put on a more pleasant façade than he felt. The tried and true _ fake it til you make it _ method had a long history of success for him, and now was the time to put the ol’ girl back to use.

He knew this was no long term solution to the problem at hand, but it would at least get him through the day, and that was all he could really ask for at this point. But as large of a task as a 12-hour shift sounded when he woke up that morning in his uncle’s guest room after only a couple of hours of restless sleep, it was far preferable to spending a Saturday in a massive townhouse all by himself, left to wonder just how badly he had fucked things up.

The familiar scent of disinfectant greeted his nose as he headed for the staff room lockers. He was already wearing his normal blue scrubs, but made the pit stop anyway to stow away his wallet and keys, along with a freshly laundered pair of scrubs and workout gear in case he needed either throughout the day.

His phone felt heavy in his pocket as he exited the staff room to start his shift. It was still early — he had arrived at the hospital _ very _early — but connecting with his attending meant that he could launch into his duties a little earlier, decreasing the probability he would have any vacant time to wallow around while his head took him down a path that was neither constructive nor healthy considering the day that he had ahead of him.

He felt an odd relationship with his phone at the moment, he realized off-handedly. It felt more like an enemy than a friend – demoted to a device that merely underscored the distance between he and Remus that Sirius was already far too aware of as it was – as habitual texts that Sirius typically received throughout the day were blaringly absent. And that absence dug a deeper hole into Sirius’ gut every time a glance down at the screen was met with emptiness in return.

But the hospital was busy, as it typically was on a Saturday, and Sirius transitioned his mind over to focus on his job. He sent the tape loop of Remus-related what-ifs into the back of his mind for now, reducing them to a barely-there ache so that he could better dedicate his energy to the long list of patients greeting him at the very beginning of his shift and promising to keep him busy throughout the entirety of his day. He appreciated each of them individually in that respect.

His rounds got off to a quick start as he was met with a wide array of cases, ranging from a young woman with a nasty upper respiratory infection to an elderly man with recurring chest pains, the most interesting patient nestled in the middle of the morning and sporting a particularly unyielding skin infection which ultimately sent Sirius to Dr. Shacklebolt for some assistance in diagnosing. It was one of his more engaging days at the hospital, and his mind was fully occupied with the increased sense of independence and energy that each new case brought him.

After finishing up with a patient who came in with a spectacularly brutal broken ankle, he made his way back to the nurse’s station, surprised to find that Matt – a nurse practitioner whose shifts often aligned with his own – sat at the desk, smiling in greeting as Sirius approached.

“Busy today,” Matt spoke up once Sirius was stood at the other side of the counter.

“I didn’t expect to see you here on a Saturday,” Sirius opined with sympathy.

Matt shrugged, seemingly unperturbed. “Danielle had something come up. She took my Sunday night shift in exchange.”

“That was nice of you,” Sirius put in moderately, leaning over the counter and then rocking back again. “I take it you didn’t have any big plans with the family this weekend then?”

Matt grumbled uncharacteristically in return, pulling an eyebrow raise out of Sirius. “Zach has footie on Saturday mornings—“

“That’s right.”

“—but I think he will forgive me for missing _ one _game, you know?” Matt raised as his hands lifted off of the keyboard and he leaned back into his chair, shifting all of his focus to Sirius now. “And if he doesn’t, he is still young enough that I can buy his love with ice cream.”

Sirius stuttered out a laugh. “If only all forgiveness could be bought with ice cream. Life would be so much easier.”

“Imagine all the people…” Matt returned wistfully, taking one long inhale before speaking again. “How was your day off yesterday?”

Sirius tilted his head to one side and then the other. “I went for a long run,” he ultimately offered.

A grimace. “That sounds terrible.”

Sirius brightened. “The only good part of my day actually,” he corrected with gusto, shamelessly enjoying the indiscernible words of disgust Matt uttered in response. And then back to business. “You’re assigned to the broken ankle?” he asked as he checked the woman’s chart again. “Room A12?”

“I am,” Matt verified. And then, “Surgery?”

“Definitely needs surgery,” Sirius put out definitively.

“It was clear from my first look at. One of the worst I have ever seen,” Matt determined with a click of his tongue, “the size of a damn grapefruit.”

Sirius hummed evenly. “We are going to need to put her under and rest it before we transfer her over for surgery.”

“Alright,” he said with a confident nod. “What did she do to shatter it so badly?”

Sirius fought back a grin. A broken ankle, particularly one that required surgery, was nothing to laugh about, but the story of what preceded it had forced him to hold in a riotous laugh as it was told to him the first time. “She was sitting outside on a kerb during a break at work while talking to a friend on the phone – _ miserable with life_, according to her, _ I’d rather be anywhere else than this fucking store. _ She said something to her friend along the lines of ‘hey, want to send a hitman to take me out so that I don’t have to finish of this shift?’ to which the friend responded, ‘yes, but I won’t tell you when he is coming—“

“Oh boy, the wonderful ways of the universe at work here,” Matt couldn’t help but bark.

Sirius nodded. “Truly. You can guess the rest. She moved to step off the kerb and _ voila, _a fully shattered ankle.”

“She was smote by the gods,” Matt deadpanned.

“I did write that as her official diagnosis,” Sirius threw back, drawing out slow laughter from Matt.

“I’m going to relay this story to Zach,” Matt determined, more pleased with the idea the more he spoke, “put a little fear of God into him whenever he whines about going to school. And I will also get her scheduled for surgery as soon as possible,” he finished as he sat upright again and moved his gaze back down to the computer.

“Thank you, Matt,” Sirius shot him a grateful smile before leaning his forearms onto the counter and lowering his head just a bit, releasing a loud sigh that he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding until it had made its way on out. The breath gave him a second to himself, just a second, before he shook out of it – before any dark thoughts could creep their way back into his mind — knowing that slinking into a chair with his head in his hands in plain view of patients didn’t _ exactly _offer assurance to those who needed it.

A light slap on his back helped to bring him fully back into the present.

“Hello there, mate,” Caradoc’s cheerful voice rang out.

Sirius cleared his throat and arranged another smile on his face as he turned to meet the other man’s gaze. “Hey,” he managed to greet Caradoc pleasantly, and he couldn’t help but think about how reassuring it was to be back at work with people who enjoyed being around him. A wave of mild discomfort flitted through his brain – a troublesome question of just how much Caradoc had picked up on the day before at the park – but it was small, and Sirius knew he could get ahead of it.

Caradoc squinted at him lightly, his eyes far too discerning for Sirius’ liking. “Tough patient? Or are you just burned out from yesterday?” he asked, and when Sirius didn’t answer right away, Caradoc translated further. “You look like shit.”

Raised eyebrows, before a loud laugh was pulled out of the depths of Sirius’ gut. “I probably should have stuck to the pace, yeah?”

Caradoc tutted knowingly. That’s what it’s there for, so you don’t destroy yourself. But you were on some sort of mission there… to kick my ass apparently? I think you could have kept it up for the full 21k the way you were moving.”

“I think you are right about that actually,” Sirius admitted with a few fingers tapping along the counter, happy for what this meant about his running performance at least. “I was in another world.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Caradoc affirmed as his arms moved up and behind his head to retie the surgical cap holding in his blond head of hair. “You should be happy about it though, we still have two weeks of training and I think you’re already at the level to meet every goal you set for yourself.” A beat, and then, “You’re alright though?” he implored with a hint of tentativeness, and whether that was because they were in a crowded area, or he was throwing Sirius a bone, Sirius appreciated the vagueness of the question.

He took two seconds to determine how much he was willing to divulge to Caradoc about what had actually transpired between he and Remus the day before — there was no way that the man hadn’t sensed the truth of the situation, even the least perceptive would have picked _ something _up. But given the nature of the blow up, he wasn’t willing to divulge any of it.

“Yeah, I’m alright considering everything that happened here this past week. I guess I had to put it into something. But I am fine, really, I’m doing well. Every day is getting better,” he settled on with a reassuring smile.

Caradoc leaned a hip against the counter and nodded, either accepting Sirius’ words at face value or reading him well enough to know that he shouldn’t push the topic any further. “Do you have time for the gym today?” he asked instead, and Sirius felt his shoulders relax as soon as the change of topic was thrown out there. “You never got back to me about it last night.”

“Oh right, sorry. I turned in early. I’m trying to limit my use of electronics at night and all that,” Sirius lied with a wave of his hand. “But I think I’m going to take today off. I’ll pick it up again tomorrow once my body isn’t screaming at me for pushing too hard.”

Caradoc’s nod matched the unsurprised expression on his face. “I was going to keep it light today, mostly just stretches and body weight exercises,” he offered, “but you deserve the day off if that’s what your body is telling you.”

Sirius clicked his tongue once in thought, the right side of his mouth curling up into a half-hearted smirk along the way. “Maybe you could use the extra day, to catch up with me, yeah?”

Caradoc snorted, causing Sirius to beam even brighter. “Alright Sirius, is that how you want to be?”

“The student becomes the teacher,” Sirius drawled with great cavalierness. “I have to take my victories where I can get them; they are so few and far between these days.”

“Brace yourself for tomorrow then,” Caradoc warned, his gaze fully zoned in on Sirius, and oh yeah, Sirius was going to get his ass kicked on the treadmill.

“I am young and vibrant, Caradoc. It has to count for something,” Sirius doubled-down, committed to the fullest, because why not.

And Caradoc hummed in a way which let Sirius know just how _ not _intimidated he was by this sentiment, and Sirius shook with silent laughter at the stupid banter giving him a bright spot in a not so fantastic day. “I work a night shift though. Will you be around?”

Caradoc hummed, “I get off after 5pm. Do you want to get here an hour before your shift starts so that we can fit it in before you need to be on the floor?”

“That’ll work,” Sirius agreed, his focus drawn left as Deborah moved behind the desk to stand beside Matt, sending her a quick smile before turning back to Caradoc.

“Perfect,” Caradoc said, carefully enunciating both syllables of the word with a soft clap on the counter for further emphasis. “I’m glad I found you today with this new ‘electronic-distancing’ thing you’re doing.”

One exaggerated eye roll was delivered at this sentiment. “I missed one text. And don’t you have somewhere to be. Surely you must have _ something _ to do right now, I’ve been running from patient to patient since I got in this morning.”

Caradoc checked the time on the phone, blowing out a dramatic _ yeah yeah _ under his breath. “I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he put out in conclusion, turning to make his way back to the surgical wing of the hospital.

Sirius hummed out a faint laugh as Deborah caught his eye, still standing behind the counter and now directly across from him.

“Sorry Deborah, did you need something from me?”

“I do,” she replied, her voice less animated, which immediately caught Sirius’ attention. “Do you have a moment?”

“Of course,” he answered with caution.

“It’s nothing urgent,” she clarified quickly, “but I did get a somewhat personal message to transfer to you.”

“Oh?” Sirius felt his eyes knit together in a bit of confusion at this piece of information, it was nowhere on his radar of things he had expected to hear. He carried his cell phone during his shifts for ‘personal messages’.

“Yes, from Amos Diggory. His son Cedric pass—“

“Yes, I know who he is,” Sirius cut her off as his throat wavered, feeling a tight knot there which hadn’t existed only five seconds before. He was relieved that the message had nothing to do with any sort of personal emergency, but his heart dropped nevertheless.

“He wanted to invite you to Cedric’s funeral, but didn’t know a better way to contact you about it other than to call the hospital.”

“Right, that makes sense. He and I never got to say a proper goodbye after everything happened so quickly,” Sirius explained, to himself just as much as to Deborah, speaking a little louder with his next question. “Did he mention when the funeral is?”

“Next Saturday. The details are all online and I wrote down the website for you,” she returned with care as she passed a bright yellow note over to Sirius.

“Thank you,” he said, putting the paper into the pocket of his scrubs, along with a mental note to stash it in his locker before he forgot all about it. “Did he want me to call him back?”

“He didn’t mention that. He sounded more concerned about letting you know that you are invited if you want to be there,” she explained, her eyes moving to her right as the recognizable beeping of an IV machine blared from one of the rooms nearby.

“That’s kind of him,” Sirius moved a hand up to scrub his face, and then thought better of the tell, forcing on a smile instead. “Thank you Deborah.”

She sent him a quick ‘you’re welcome’ before shuffling out from behind the nurses’ station and heading towards the screaming IV machine. Sirius returned his focus to the stack of paperwork in front of him, surprised that he had finally reached a point in the day where he could take a break. He checked the time, feeling a rush of surprise with the comprehension that it was already past 2pm. He wasn’t particularly hungry, but he knew by now that when the opportunity presented itself, he needed to take it. It was rare he got the chance twice.

He shuffled through the stack of paperwork, making sure he wasn’t missing anything important before stepping off the floor, and was interrupted by Matt’s voice rising from his seat behind the computer.

“So are you going to the funeral?” he asked.

Sirius nodded, slowly but firmly, because the answer had been clear from the moment that Deborah had mentioned it. “I am. I think I have next Saturday morning off, but even if I didn’t, I would find a way to show up for the service.”

A hum of agreement and then, “It’s nice that he took the time to call you about it. That doesn’t happen very often.”

“No?” Sirius asked, a bit offhandedly as he signed off on a patient’s release form, taking a split second to acknowledge just how sloppy his signature had somehow become since starting residency.

“I don’t think that very many people want to be reminded of the hospital in this sort of situation – they prefer to focus on the life that the person lived outside of it. Before the shit storm,” Matt so eloquently put. “Plus, I don’t think that many families are lucky enough to form positive rapports with their hospital staff,” he added with a shrug, accentuating his statement with a loud crunch of a potato chip.

Sirius froze for a moment as he stared down at the papers in front of him, a bunch of words just jumbled on a page now. “I have been told that is rare.”

“They must really want you there.” Crunch.

A long sigh tumbled out of Sirius’ mouth as he handed the bundle of papers over to Matt, accompanied by a weak smile. “I hope that’s the case,” he started. “I’m going to take a break, just a short one so that I can grab something to eat. I’ll be in the cafeteria if anybody asks.”

“Yep, enjoy your break,” Matt provided as he sorted through the paperwork with fingers that hadn’t been previously occupied with potato chips. He set to inputting the new information into the computer and added, “I’ll work on getting that ankle surgery scheduled.”

“Thank you,” Sirius singsonged as he turned away from the counter and headed to the staff room for a quick pit stop on the way to grab lunch. He dug around the locker for his wallet, then remembered the yellow note in his scrubs and tucked it in with his belongings, and made his way to the cafeteria.

A turkey sandwich, a cup of fruit, and a protein bar ended up being Sirius’ best option for lunch. He sat alone as he ate, content that the timing of his break had worked out so that the cafeteria was practically empty, as he was in no mood to socialize any more than he already had. With a slow bite into his sandwich, he braced himself and pulled his phone out of his pocket, pressing the home button to reveal exactly four new texts.

The first was from James, a picture of a 20-week pregnant Lily enjoying their mini-vacation to Paris as she posed in front of the Mona Lisa in the Louvre. The image was accompanied by a humorous, _ Your two favorite women!!!! _ that pulled a louder-than-average guffaw out of Sirius’ mouth.

The other texts were from Alphard, inquiring about how the stay at the townhouse had been the night prior.

The laugh from James’ message was overshadowed by the notable lack of contact from Remus, and Sirius’ heart sank rather spectacularly. He had already expected not to hear from him, had mentally prepared himself for it the entire day, but it didn’t make confirmation that Remus had no interest in communicating with him any easier to stomach.

Now that he was here, mentally, he indulged a bit. Sirius couldn’t help but wonder what Remus was doing with his day off. A walk in the morning, probably. A latte at the cafe on their corner. The farmer’s market opened early on Saturday mornings, and it was a rare occasion when Remus missed it, especially in the fall given his love for butternut squash. After stowing his fresh local haul back at the flat, he might have taken a trip to a less-known museum in London to scope out a new spot to meet his students in place of a lecture.

If things had been normal between them, Sirius would look forward to returning home and hearing all about it – about how Amanda at the produce stand had saved the most oddly shaped gourd for him, about whatever paintings he had seen which he had _ no idea were housed in London, Sirius, how did I not realize this until now? _And in return, Sirius would provide his own stories from his day at the hospital – tonight it would have been about the patient who was smote by the gods on the side of the street after begging her friend to hire a hitman and take her out for good.

Sirius let himself roughly scrub a hand against the left side of his face, his mind racing through the last 36 hours of his life, yet again; how a lie that was relatively innocent from his vantage point had so dramatically uprooted things between them. For just the time being or for good, he honestly couldn’t tell right now and felt no control over.

Sirius let his eyes shut and slumped a little further down. The hard plastic of the cheap cafeteria chair kneaded at the tense muscles in his back, par for the course at this point in his shift after being on his feet so long, but intensified by emotional stress he had been holding onto the past day and a half. 

Memories slipped into his mind from when he was a child, when he had said the wrong thing or acted the wrong way – a minor transgression that was addressed by a rough slap to the face or a couple weeks of silent treatment while he was confined to his room, waiting. It was in those times that he had begged God or the universe or whoever would listen to allow him to rewind time so that he could do it all over again and end up someplace better.

But it didn’t work then, and it wouldn’t work now, and he was old enough to know that wishing to change the past was a total waste of time. He reminded the irrational part of himself that this _ was _temporary, this rift between he and Remus, one minor bump in the otherwise smooth road of their relationship that they would work through and then come out fine on the other side. Sirius reminded himself of that over and over again. But he had still been caught in a lie, and he didn’t have a clear idea of what it would mean yet; and Remus was silent, leaving Sirius’ mind to fester in a cloud of unknowns and worst case scenarios.

It took a lot to bring Remus to that level anger, though, and Sirius felt truly lost at sea, like all of his faults were on blinding display as he drifted further and further away.

He reached for his phone without thinking much more about it and swiped over before pressing the call button and bringing the phone up to his ear.

“Sirius?” the voice answered after the second ring.

“Hi Alphard,” Sirius responded with relief to hear his uncle’s voice. “I’m not calling you too early am I?”

“Not at all. I’ve been up for hours, as you probably figured out based on my texts.”

“Good point,” Sirius conceded with a breathy laugh. “I just wanted to make sure with jetlag and everything. How is New York City treating you?” he asked before bringing a piece of cantaloupe up to his mouth.

“I can’t say I’m not enjoying myself, even though I’m here for business,” Alphard put out unapologetically. “The food is incredible and I’ve been playing tourist more than I’d care to admit.”

“I would be doing the same thing,” Sirius conceded, thinking about how much he would like to get over to New York. “You think that Remus wouldn’t be shamelessly dragging me to every big museum and tourist trap the city has to offer?”

“True,” Alphard sounded out with a laugh.

“I take it that the firm hasn’t been working you too hard then?”

“The days are busy. I have meetings back to back when I go into the office,” Alphard pressed on. “But being in the city for a month means that my weekends are mostly free, so I would be a fool not to take advantage, right?”

“Hundred percent,” Sirius agreed with the sentiment, feeling lighter due to the absolutely normal nature of their conversation. “Bring me back a stupid souvenir? The stupidest one that you can find?”

“I can do that,” he hummed in confident confirmation, pausing for a few seconds before tacking on, “I saw a New York City taxi driver 2020 calendar at one of the shops I passed. Beefcake edition, I believe it was, and it has stayed with me ever since.”

Sirius perked up further as he barked out a laugh that nearly echoed around the large open room. “Are you joking? Please tell me that you are not joking.”

“Fortunately for you _ and Remus, _I am not joking. It’s very tastefully done. I think he will appreciate the artistic expression of said New York city beefcakes.”

“Oh my god,” Sirius stuttered out another laugh. “Bring her home to us.”

A hum of confirmation, and then a brief pause. “So how are you? Was everything alright at the house last night? I got paranoid that I left it a mess before I left. But then I remembered how little you care about that.”

“It is literally impossible for me to care any less about that,” Sirius confirmed, “but yes you left it clean. And everything was great, thank you so much again—“

“Shut up,” Alphard cut him off, bringing a fond hum out of Sirius’ mouth before he took another bite of turkey sandwich. “You know it’s always open to you. I even miss having you there when I am home.”

Sirius swallowed his food, feeling a deep appreciation for his uncle reverberate from his heart and down to his toes. “You’re making my life so much easier right now.”

“Good, you deserve it. You know that you and Remus are always welcome there, but I meant to ask… is something going on with your flat right now?”

“Oh, no. Nothing like that,” Sirius explained slowly. “The flat is perfectly fine.”

“Is something else wrong? I don’t want to pry, but—“

“I had a bad week at work last week,” Sirius cut him off, sitting up straighter now and clearing his throat a bit before continuing. “It has caused some… stress between Remus and me, I guess you could say.”

A long pause. “Sirius, I’m sorry,” his uncle offered.

“No, it’s alright,” Sirius brushed off with a huff. And even though Sirius had no idea whether or not it was actually alright or not alright at all, it was not Alphard’s problem to worry about. “We just need to take a breather for a couple of days.”

Alphard hummed in thought, too morose for Sirius’ liking. “You know you are welcome to stay at my place for as long as you need.”

Sirius nodded out of habit. “That is actually why I called. I was hoping that you wouldn’t mind if I stayed a little while longer.”

“Of course not. Although,” he wavered for a beat, “I hope you don’t need to be there for too long.”

Sirius sighed for it. “We’ll see. He’s not very happy with me right now and I can’t say I’m too eager to get back home in light of that.”

“Is this the first time that something like this has happened between you two?”

A pause, then, “Yes.”

Alphard took a moment, collecting his thoughts no doubt, as Sirius’ free hand fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “Remus is a reasonable guy,” he started moderately, “and he loves you Sirius. Don’t be too afraid of confronting whatever happened between the two of you. Not everybody handles conflict like your family does, I know that you know that… but I find that when people become stressed or anxious, those truths are more difficult to see clearly. Reverting back to what you know is habit, but that doesn’t make the situation any different.”

Sirius blinked once as he stared straight ahead in front of him, staff beginning to flow in and out of the cafeteria for afternoon coffee now. And he found that he was unsure of how to process the words his uncle had just spoken, especially because he was hitting the nail right on the head. “I appreciate that,” he started slowly, his voice a pitch higher than usual, “but I do think that I could use a couple more days – maybe a week – to, I don’t know, give him some more time.” He sent a placid wave to Deborah as she caught his eye on the other side of the cafeteria, and he added against the backdrop of vague chatter, “And I think I could use some more time too, to sort myself out.”

Alphard sent him a reassuring hum, simple but somehow exactly what Sirius had hoped to hear. “Okay, just don’t wait too long if this is important to you,” he suggested, still with a healthy dose of apprehension lining his words. “I obviously don’t know the details, but I don’t want you to build this up into something it isn’t,” he tacked on and Sirius only met his words with silence, unsure of how to respond to advice he had neither asked for nor been ready to hear. Not when everything in his head regarding this specific subject was already one giant cloud of chaos.

“I’m sorry,” Alphard finally laughed, without humor, after a full 30 seconds of silence had passed them right on by. “I absolutely had no intention of prying into your personal life and offering such unsolicited advice.”

Sirius quickly cleared his throat. “No, don’t apologize. You’re doing me such a huge favor right now, and I do appreciate your perspective. I’m just finding how difficult it is to juggle my job and my relationship right now. I know it shouldn’t be this difficult, but I keep fucking it all up,” he concluded with one sad huff of laughter, throwing caution to the wind and finally giving his uncle a little bit of insight.

“It happens,” Alphard responded simply.

“Does it?”

“Of course it does,” he emphasized firmly now. “So cut yourself some slack. Life has ebbs and flows like this, and it happens in relationships too. I’m sure that Remus understands that by now. He has probably been through it himself before.”

“Right,” Sirius sighed, almost in surrender, as a notable cringe crept up and through his entire body. And then, with a shake of his head, “Hey I should probably get back to the rest of my shift, but thank you again, really. I will let you know when I no longer need to be at the house.”

“Yeah, no problem. Just keep me updated,” Alphard answered easily. “I’ll be back at the beginning of November, so let’s plan something for your birthday? Whatever you want.”

“Yes, _ please,” _ Sirius affirmed almost desperately, because looking ahead a couple of weeks into the future sounded far more promising than thinking about the mess of the present. “Enjoy the rest of your trip.”

After a round of their respective goodbyes, Sirius ended the call and ate the rest of his lunch at a pace that was far quicker than socially appropriate. It was merely fuel at this point and he pocketed the protein bar for later before making his way to the staff room to drop off his wallet. He gave himself a good mental shake before heading back onto the floor for the last half of his shift, more clear headed than he had been minutes earlier, with his issues lodged back into that chamber of his mind and creating more space for matters that he could actually help find solutions for.

The afternoon moved just as quickly as the morning, a never-ending slog of patients and paperwork, with a long check-in with Dr. Shacklebolt in between it all. By 8pm, Sirius was unlocking the door into Alphard’s, exhausted not only from work, but with the addition of some heavy feeling pressing down as each minute ticked by.

The shower was his first stop, and it wasn’t until he was in his bed with nothing but a dim lamp offering light into the room that he realized he had forgotten to eat dinner. His stomach didn’t mind, with its reduced appetite, so he decided that it wasn’t worth the effort of getting out of bed to fix. Instead, he pulled out his phone for the first time since lunch, numbly finding no new messages awaiting him. Only that notorious blank screen staring back at him, informing him that it was only 8:40pm, and he was already in bed without his favorite person to talk with.

A long exhale and his fingers were unlocking the home screen, and he was reminded that he still had not responded to James’ earlier messages. Sirius sent a string of vomiting emojis to convey just how fond he was of _ that _ particular painting, followed by a, _ Sorry for the late response, busy day at the hospital. _ Sirius considered giving James a call, but he was committed to allowing nothing to pull him from the bliss of his vacation with Lily. And on top of that, Sirius had always felt so protective over his relationship with Remus, and he was reluctant to break the guise that things were currently far from perfect to anybody, even his best friend.

He turned off the lamp on his nightstand, as if setting the conditions for sleep would will it into being, but soon found that it was impossible with so much weighing on his mind, as much as he tried to push it out. Half an hour passed while he floundered under the covers, exhausted and frustrated, legs twisting the sheets around him and pillows being thrown onto the floor. With a spirited growl, he reached for his phone and made the quick decision to check off one conversation he knew was likely contributing to the metaphorical elephant sitting on top of his chest. He dialed up the number and squeezed his eyes shut as he waited for the familiar voice to pick up.

“Hello?” Caradoc answered, a distinct sound of surprise laced in the one-word greeting.

“Hey,” Sirius reciprocated mildly.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“If we continue training together, which I would like to, you cannot kiss me again.”

A beat or two, or maybe ten. “I know.”

“Do you?” Sirius questioned as he stared up at the ceiling, his eyes following the slow turn of the fan around and around and around it went. “Because I need to be certain. Not just that you won’t kiss me again, but that you will push any other romantic thoughts you might have for me out of your mind for good. They cannot exist,” he stated simply, finding all of this far easier than expected once he got going. “I don’t want to wonder whether you want anything other than friendship with me, or if some random comment has a hidden meaning to it. Or if you’re hoping for the demise of my relationship, which, Caradoc, I do not think that you are,” he emphasized, letting a pause set in as he took in a long inhale. “I think you are a great human being, and I aspire to be like you in a lot of ways… but that was so inappropriate, especially given all of the circumstances of that day, and this absolutely cannot ever be an issue between us again.”

Sirius could hear Caradoc take a long breath, and he let the silence linger until Caradoc eventually decided on a response. “You’re right, I read the situation wrong—“

“I’m in a relationship,” he deadpanned unrelentingly. “One that I plan on staying in for the rest of my life. I don’t understand why it was such a difficult read. And that is only one of the problems attached to all of this.”

“I got carried away,” Caradoc moved to explain, voice becoming a tinge louder now. “I thought I felt something between us – obviously I was incorrect in that – and then you were upset and I wanted to do something about that And fucked up. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not going to happen.”

“Yes, Sirius. I have figured that one out by now,” he enunciated with feeling, followed by a laugh that Sirius couldn’t even blame him for.

“Okay. Yeah, okay good,” Sirius accepted with a light chuckle in return. “I don’t want to question any of our interactions from here on out. Otherwise, I can’t continue to spend time with you.”

Another long breath, and the voice that followed was sincere. “Sirius, hear me out. I was in the wrong, you’re spot-on about that. I was attracted to you and made a bad judgment call, but I do know how to handle rejection. I’m a grown man and this isn’t something I can’t get over; it was attraction, nothing deeper than that,” he continued on, pausing briefly and then picking up again with further explanation. “If I wasn’t clear enough already, I apologize that it happened at all, and even more so that it happened at work. After the fact, when I had a clearer head, I realized how inappropriate the entire situation was, and trust me when I say that not a day has gone by that I haven’t wanted to sock myself straight in the face for it.”

Sirius’ mouth pulled into the biggest smile of the day. “Jesus, Caradoc… did you have this speech prepared before I even brought it up?”

A huff. “You weren’t alone in thinking that it needed to be addressed again. You just beat me to it.”

It was good to hear, each word more relieving than the one before and Sirius struggled for the next couple of seconds to curate the right response. “Well, thank you,” he settled on. “I really enjoy having you as a friend at the hospital, and somebody to run with outside of it too. And I also appreciate how you helped me after Cedric passed… right up until you kissed me like a right idiot, of course,” Sirius concluded with a half-joke – although it was a heaping dose of good-natured truth – and he found that whatever awkwardness that existed began to dissipate.

“Fair enough,” Caradoc laughed loudly through the phone. 

“Alright then,” Sirius spoke through an exhale, closing his eyes along the way. “I will see you tomorrow after your shift.”

“Yep,” he confirmed. “Thanks for calling.”

“Goodnight,” Sirius offered as a goodbye, ending the call before placing his phone face down on the nightstand, no need to set an alarm since sleeping in as late as possible the next morning would be his best course of action.

He rolled to his side and hoped for sleep to come now. There was still a heavy pressure in his chest, a very specific type of anxiety he hadn’t felt since leaving his parents’ home years and years ago, he realized in that moment tangled up in the bedsheets. Even during medical school, when he was constantly being and judged and overworked simply as the normal state of affairs, barely treading water, he hadn’t felt this kind of dread. 

But, he registered with a deep breath and gentle close of his eyes, he felt noticeably lighter than the last time he gave sleeping a shot. That had to count for something. Knowing that he had accomplished at least one productive thing in regards to his personal life was enough to lift a bit of the weight off, and enough to lull him into a fitful sleep. 

*****

Sirius left the hospital a little past 7am on Monday morning, feeling even more run down than the shift before. But a night shift tended to do that, particularly to someone who was fairly unrested to begin with. Even so, he hadn’t been in a rush to leave the hospital. He drew out his final tasks, signing his last patient forms at a leisurely pace and indulging in a couple of conversations he normally would be avoiding in order to get back to the flat ASAP. But this morning, he took his time on that front, preferring to arrive after Remus would have left for work — which wouldn’t be too difficult for Sirius to orchestrate if he wasted a little time, since Remus always made a concerted effort to get to campus early on Mondays to prepare for the week.

_ ‘Thank you for letting me take a couple of days to myself, it’s really allowed me to think some things through and get a better grasp on everything. I love you, Sirius. So much. I hope your weekend has been alright too. I’ll see you tomorrow,’ _ the text had said. Sirius had read it around 4pm the afternoon before, although the timestamp let him know that Remus had sent it a couple of hours prior. Sirius wasn’t checking his phone much anymore these days. A wave of relief washed over him briefly upon reading it, but he had only sent back a short _ ‘I love you too,’ _as he could not seem to wrap his head around how to respond to the rest of it. 

He had started thinking about the situation all on his own, after clearing the air with Caradoc that night and removing one source of anxiety from his mental equation. After eliminating that variable, his specific feelings around Remus’ anger towards him and the distance he asked for became sharper in the foreground; the discomfort of not knowing where he stands and how that feeling of the world closing in on him accompanies it. And he found that he wasn’t in a rush to get back home – not that he was running from it. He just wanted a clearer head before he did. 

After a stop for a hot tea at the corner café, 8:15am found Sirius taking a measured breath before pushing the door of his flat open. It was impeccably clean, and he couldn’t help but laugh under his breath, making a pact with himself to leave it as pristine as he found it on his way out. 

He ran through the list of things he stopped by to grab — _ boxers, socks, shorts, workout shorts, suit _ — as he dropped his keys off on the kitchen counter and headed to the bedroom. He took a quick left upon entering, moving straight for the closet to wrap the task up, and reached above his head to grab for the duffle bag on the top shelf. 

“Hey.”

Remus’ voice caught him off guard, and Sirius froze for just a second before pivoting his body back toward the entrance of the closet, finding a half dressed Remus toweling his hair dry.

“Hi,” Sirius mustered, finding it strangely difficult to look Remus straight in the eye, which was a new feeling altogether for him. “I didn’t think you would still be here.” 

“I’m running a bit late today,” Remus explained after hanging the towel up and moving into the closet. He added as he reached for a blue dress shirt, “Here’s hoping that no one shows up for office hours early.” Remus’ hand made its way to the small of Sirius’ back, and a moment later he leaned forward, surprising Sirius with a brief kiss that Sirius returned out of habit. 

“They usually don’t on Monday mornings though, right?” Sirius asked as he shifted his body away from Remus and moved around him to leave the confined space of the closet. 

“No, you’re right. It has maybe only happened once in the last three years,” Remus answered lightly, pulling the shirt around his torso as his fingers began to work on the small buttons. Sirius had moved to the dresser now, placing the duffle bag on top of it as he focused his attention on the sock drawer and differentiating between which pairs belonged to him and which to Remus. “Do you want some coffee?” Remus asked after a long bout of silence, his voice wavering uncharacteristically in a way that sent a small wave of feeling down Sirius’ spine, which he found to be something like satisfaction.

“No thanks,” he answered with a quick shake of his head as he continued his task. “I’m just going to grab some more things and head back over to Kensington to sleep.” 

Another long beat of silence followed, and Sirius soaked it in as he moved to the drawer with t-shirts in it now.

“Why?” Remus eventually asked, and when Sirius turned to look at him the expression on his face was one that Sirius had come to recognize. He was organizing his thoughts, and despite the one word question, he had a lot of them. 

“Because I just got off a 14 hour shift,” Sirius supplied dryly. 

Remus released a breathy laugh full of disbelief. “You know what I mean.” 

Yeah, Sirius did. He hummed in acknowledgement as he brushed past Remus to make his way back into the closet, reaching into the back of the rack on his right for his best suit jacket and trousers. 

“I feel very uncomfortable being here right now, which is pretty unfortunate considering the fact that I _ live _ here. I’m fucking tired from working for a 14 hour night shift that has caused me to be up for over 24 hours, and I don’t want to worry about being on my best game when you decide that you are ready to talk everything over,” Sirius said, finding it oddly easy to express himself— maybe he needed to choose to communicate his feelings while overcome with exhaustion more often, he was two for two in that regard. “I really prefer the privacy of being in my own space right now. And when we are _ both _ ready for me to come back, we can make that happen.” 

Remus’ gaze zoned in on him after this mini-outburst, and yet his eyes still held their softness. So at least there was that. “I have a right to be upset about it, Sirius,” he said firmly, his voice giving away no sense of hostility, if any existed at all to begin with. 

“I know, Remus. _I know,” _he emphasized with a not-so-spirited laugh. “You wanted some time to think, and these last couple of days have been good for you. But now I would like the same thing because I don’t like feeling as though I have to skirt around you or like I am being punished for something. I’m nearly 30 years old and it’s really not a dynamic I enjoy being brought back to.” 

Remus didn’t like that, Sirius could feel it as soon as the words had come out of his mouth. But he leaned back against the wall for a moment to collect his thoughts, sensible as ever, before speaking again. “I wasn’t punishing you. And I don’t treat you like what you are referring to.” 

Sirius sighed, wondering if what he had said was fair — if it was accurate or in his head — and a breath of mild regret broke through his lips. But he couldn’t see it clearly, and he didn’t want to give anything away yet. “You’re going to be late for your class,” he tried. 

Silence. “Why are you taking dress clothes?” Remus asked instead. 

Sirius let out a great exhale, folding a pair of workout shorts into the duffle before turning around to address Remus’ question. “Cedric’s funeral is on Saturday morning,” he supplied, exhaustion seeping through every word he spoke. 

“Can I go with you?” Remus asked without skipping a beat. 

Sirius bit down on his tongue, eyes darting around the room once before resettling back on Remus. “I would really like that.” 

Remus breathed a sigh through his nose, and even Sirius could see that some tension had left his body. “Okay. I’m glad. Thank you.” 

“Well, I mean, thank _ you,” _Sirius laughed awkwardly, pushing a hand through his hair. 

“Of course. It’s not even a question, Sirius,” Remus straightened his shoulders, only barely, but enough for Sirius to notice still. He picked up his bag for work before moving into the living room and pausing at the door. “I want to be there for you, all the time, that’s what this whole thing is about,” he threw out, reaching for the door handle and pushing it open before hesitating for a split second. “I will see you when you’re ready then, or Saturday morning, whatever comes first,” he concluded, a tinge of sadness that hadn’t yet dissolved still discernible in his tone. 

He gave Sirius one last glance over before heading out the door. And it didn’t take more than another ten minutes for Sirius to wrap up his tasks at the flat and close the door behind him.


	7. The See-Saw

Sirius was accustomed to difficult conversations. Topics of life and death were par for the course in his line of work, ones he couldn’t say he would ever get used to per se, but still, somehow the role he took at the hospital invoked a strong, unwavering resolve in him; as if it were a responsibility he was honored to have, no matter how painful the message he had to deliver. But broaching a difficult conversation was a near impossible task when the topic of said conversation shifted to himself, he had realized as the week went by.

Unfortunately, the strength he mustered routinely in his profession did not transfer to his personal life, and Sirius found that reaching back out to Remus was what he wanted the most while simultaneously being the last thing he wanted to actually _ do. _By Friday, the two of them had resumed texting normally again – a message from Remus awaited him during each break at work when he took out his phone to check – normal banter about work or food or some inside joke that was worth bringing up. And that was a very appreciated addition to Sirius’ week, as it took the edge off of one area of his life, which was especially welcome when he had Cedric’s funeral to attend the following day.

But there was still a wall between them and a whole lot that had been left unsaid. It was a wall that Remus had constructed a week prior and then Sirius had reinforced with vigor not long after. It wasn’t going to evaporate on its own, and now the proverbial ball was in Sirius’ court, as he had made it clear that he would not return home until _ he _was ready as well.

The problem was that the more time that passed, the more difficult he found it to break through that wall and let Remus know that he was ready. That he wanted things to go back to normal. If he thought too deeply about it, he would recognize that he was fearful of what the conversation would bring, what it could do to their otherwise perfect relationship. He certainly didn’t want to hear that Remus’s view of him had changed, and a small part of his subconscious clung to that thought while feeding his mind the idea that he should wait it out _ just a little longer. _

Sirius exited the Tube, backpack in hand and feeling far from home by the mere fact that he was getting off at the South Kensington station. It had been his home a couple of years ago, during med school and while he and Remus were taking the time to really get to know each other; but it couldn’t ever be that again, now while Remus existed somewhere else across London.

_ One more night, _ he told himself. He would meet Remus at the funeral tomorrow morning and they would address it afterwards. And then he would accept whatever came next, period.

Kensington was crowded this time of night, with the last rays of sunshine fading away and the street lamps illuminating his walk home. People made their way back from work, families walked towards High Street for a dinner out, and overachieving runners swerved through the crowded sidewalks until they reached Hyde Park. With nothing else to do with his night, Sirius thought a run sounded like a great idea.

But those plans were dashed as soon as they entered his mind, as Sirius made his way to the stoop of the towering white townhouse to find one very familiar man lounging on one of the top steps, one leg straightened long and the other bent at the knee to prop up the open textbook he was reading from.

“Remus?” Sirius put out once he was within hearing distance.

“Hey,” Remus looked up quickly with relief, a tentative smile greeting Sirius, which he found easy to return. Remus closed his textbook the next moment and grabbed for the paper bag that sat to his right. “I brought dinner,” he offered, moving to stand. “Is that okay? We don’t have to talk about anything yet.”

Sirius craned his neck, eyeing the food with an unabashed interest, and his smile widened when he recognized the containers were from his favorite Italian restaurant, which Remus must have gone out of his way for. “That’s great,” he affirmed to Remus’ obvious relief, and then nodded towards the door. “C’mon.”

Sirius scaled the stairs up to the door, passing right by Remus who then followed him closely behind. The two were quiet as Sirius unlocked the door, and still as they moved through the entryway and further back into the kitchen.

“How did you know what time I got off?” Sirius finally asked, washing his hands as Remus turned on the oven. It had been over a year since the last time they had played out this scene at Alphard’s, but the routine was far from new.

“I called the hospital,” Remus supplied with a quick look over his shoulder while he adjusted the temperature.

“You could have texted me about it,” Sirius laughed twice, brow furrowing for a moment in confusion. “I wouldn’t have minded.”

It was silent for a beat as Remus stood himself upright. “I wanted to surprise you actually,” he answered, moving a bit to lean back against the counter as his eyes set on Sirius in a way that was invasive but not unwelcome. “Plus, a part of me was worried that you would say no, and I really wanted to see you before tomorrow. So I thought I’d take my chances, bring every Italian dish I know that you like, and then hopefully you wouldn’t mind me sticking around to make sure you’re okay.”

That was fair, and Sirius bit down on the side of his bottom lip to keep his smile from growing too wide. “I’m glad that you’re here.”

He smiled back. “Me too.”

Silence again, but then Sirius realized he was still in his scrubs. “I should probably shower,” he suggested, gesturing at his general aura.

“Yep, go for it.” Remus moved to the bag of takeout and began to pull out the containers of food – and there were a lot. “I’ll warm this up in the oven while you do.”

“Mmkay.” Sirius nodded, crossing through the kitchen to make his way to the guest room, feeling more clear-headed than he had grown accustomed to recently. Optimistic even.

He took his time in the shower, finding that it was easier that evening to find comfort in the warm water spraying down on him, easier to feel some sort of pleasure in the act rather than it feeling like another chore altogether. He took his time drying off, noting that it was probably time for another haircut as he pushed a comb through his hair. By that time, the smell of basil and tomato and garlic began wafting in from the kitchen, and his stomach responded immediately.

A quick stop to his duffle bag gave him a pair of drawstring shorts and an Under Armour tee to throw on – appropriate attire for gorging on Italian food, he thought – and a minute later he reappeared in the kitchen, refreshed and ready to eat.

“It smells amazing,” Sirius put out, finding that Remus had timed it all perfectly and had already begun to prepare plates for the both of them. And wow, bowls for salad too. “I don’t think I’ve eaten a real meal this entire week?” he thought out loud.

Remus shot him a true side-eye if Sirius had ever seen one, spooning another portion of pasta onto his plate at the new information. “I wondered.”

“I’m fine,” Sirius assured, thinking he would keep the number of times he ate just a banana before falling right into bed to himself just then.

“I know you are,” Remus allowed.

Sirius let out _ a sound _as he eyed the spread more closely with wide eyes. “But I do appreciate it. I’m starving,” he admitted.

“Good, let’s eat,” Remus offered as he carried the plates over to the small dining table just off of the kitchen. Sirius went about filling up a couple of water glasses before joining him at the table, grateful that the Big Topic was far and away for the night, and things were easy between them again, even if it was only temporarily so. 

“So I’ve had Amazon Video streaming in the background a lot this week,” Remus offered matter-of-factly, passing Sirius a set of silverware.

Sirius arched an eyebrow at him, handing him a glass and taking the silverware in exchange. “That’s not like you.”

Remus smirked, and then Sirius knew. This was an offering. “I had some free time.”

“Find anything interesting?” Sirius pressed, waiting for _ something. _Because there was a story here. 

Remus made a half-hearted gesture with his shoulder. “I don’t know if I would call it _ interesting, _but something certainly found me,” he carried on, starting on the salad a little too nonchalantly. “Rock of Love with Bret Michaels somehow got queued up. And look, I meant to turn it off, I really did—“

“Oh no,” Sirius grinned before parting his teeth for a generous bite of fusilli.

“I mean, who even watches that rubbish?” Remus asked, to the universe at large maybe, flicking his fork through the air in emphasis.

Sirius nodded through the bite, swallowing and then answering casually, “You do, I think.”

Remus inclined his head at the point, moving right on, “I was cleaning the kitchen—“

“I noticed that you cleaned _ a lot,” _Sirius added. It was impressive, really.

Remus hummed an affirmation, lips quirking up at the sides, but that wasn’t the point. “So there I was, cleaning away, and it queues up. And I think, ‘I’ll just switch that drivel off once I finish the countertops.’ But then I got wrapped up in the back story, Sirius — one man’s search for a simple woman he can be friends with _ and _ have sex with—” A snort from Sirius cut him off briefly, be he plowed through after Sirius threw out a gesture to say _ don’t mind me, please continue, _ “and by the time I started on the floors, I still hadn’t turned it off,” he said, the whole thing a mystery he had no agency in.

Silence. “So you watched the whole season then?” Sirius clarified.

A long deep breath and then, “Sirius, I am going to level with you, I watched the entire season in two days,” he admitted without trepidation. “It’s a terrible, terrible show.”

Sirius couldn’t manage to hold the laugh in any longer. “Doesn’t sound like you found it to be too terrible then,” he suggested, but there was something more important he needed to get out of this story while Remus was speaking so openly about it. “So did he find her? The elusive groupie who he could not only stand to be around, but also wanted to shag indefinitely?”

Long huff. “Well, yes and no.”

Sirius’ eyes widened slowly. “Uh oh,” he let out in barely above a whisper.

“He chose a winner. I think they lasted all of two days,” Remus broke the news. “But I suppose that’s what the next season is for?”

“It’ll be true love for him, in season two. I just feel it,” Sirius predicted sagely, lifting a bite of chicken piccata to his mouth as his stomach lurched far too joyously at the incoming calories.

Remus eyed him, but trucked right along anyway. “Probably not considering there is a season three, but maybe she’ll be the real winner,” Remus suggested, and they just nodded at each other before another short silence ensued and they took the time to eat uninterrupted for a couple of minutes. 

But eventually Remus cleared his throat, pulling Sirius’ attention back across the table. “So, how are you feeling about tomorrow?” he asked genuinely, the tone of his voice neither demanding nor even expectant. Just curious.

“I don’t know, actually,” Sirius started slowly, wiping his mouth with the napkin and leaning back in his seat. His foot gave four light taps on the floor and then, “I’ve kind of pushed it to the back of my mind this entire week.” He paused for a long slow break, allowing himself the time to really think about the question and give Remus a real answer. He found the topic easier to talk about than it would have been before venturing into Bret Michaels’ illustrious romances, which had probably been the purpose all along. “I’m nervous,” he settled on honestly.

Remus tilted his head, taking a drink of water, before setting the glass back down and speaking again. “Why?”

Sirius swallowed, sending a quick look of guilt over to Remus before clearing his throat and charging forward anyway. “I was so upset that day, Remus. I was completely blindsided, even though I shouldn’t have been. I don’t know if it is because I got too close to him, but I didn’t see it coming at all. He was _ not supposed to die. _” He took a long drink of water and then glanced at Remus, whose attention had not left his face for a moment. “And then I was such a mess when it happened. I was stunned and I couldn’t process it, and because of that I felt… I felt so incompetent, like I didn’t belong there and I wasn’t equipped enough to handle any of it.”

“But you are,” Remus interjected gently, “competent, that is. You handle everything, even if it may not be as smoothly as you had hoped. You bring light to so many dark situations. Being caught off guard doesn’t negate that.”

Sirius tilted his head, measuring his next words. “I don’t like feeling as though I’m failing,” he settled on. “It puts such a heavy weight on me, more than it should. I know that everybody experiences failures, especially when they are learning. But it sends me into a dark place. It sent me there when it happened, on the day that he died. I’m better now, I think, but I said I am nervous because I don’t know how I am going to feel tomorrow.” His eyes settled on Remus for a moment before he added, scrunching the corner of his napkin distractedly. “It made me question so much.”

Remus nodded, his gentle demeanor having a calming effect on Sirius. “I can understand that, especially when you are actually witnessing people that you care about die in front of you. But that doesn’t even mean that you’re a failure. He was so sick, Sirius, and you made a horrible situation better for him simply by being there as his doctor, as more than his doctor.” He paused, his eyes taking Sirius in for a brief moment before he determined that it was alright to continue. “I hate that you are so hard on yourself. Something happening that you cannot control does not discount all of the incredible things that you do.” Remus mirrored the faint smile Sirius was sending him now. “And if tomorrow does bring you back to that… well, I hope it doesn’t, but I will get you out of that place if it does and remind you that while you may feel sad, it’s not any sort of negative reflection on you.”

Sirius nodded lightly, tapping his foot for a couple more beats as he pushed the mound of pasta around his plate slowly, pushing some of it onto his fork before dropping the utensil altogether. “Was I stupid for caring so much?” he asked.

Remus laughed, wiped his mouth off with the napkin. “No,” he said easily.

Sirius ran his free hand through his hair, tucking it behind his ear. “I felt so out of control. And Unprofessional,” Sirius admitted, hesitating for a bit before continuing on further, because what the hell, the ball was already rolling now. His voice strengthened. “There is a harsh part of my brain that, whenever something — anything — negative happens in my life, I just can’t quell. All the words that my family used to throw at me… they didn’t seem to mean much at the time — I think they actually emboldened me back then — but sometimes those same ideas emerge out of my own mind when I’m in a bad place.” He shook his head roughly. “I _ hate _that, Remus. I hate that I wonder if everything they said to me actually did have a bigger impact than I ever realized since it has stuck with me this long. And that is unbelievably frustrating, that they could have any sort of power over me after all this time. It makes me feel like they are winning,” he finished, and even speaking the words out loud left him feeling defeated.

But Remus did not agree. “They aren’t winning,” he denied pointedly, without question.

“It felt like they were on that day,” Sirius countered with an errant gesture of his hand. “Maybe even this whole week.”

“I don’t see that at all,” Remus offered.

“How so?” Sirius asked, his voice sounding far more frustrated than he intended, considering he was not frustrated with Remus at all.

Remus leaned forward in his chair. “You’re out there _ living _ it, Sirius, this life that you wanted for yourself. And not only that, but you got there all on your own, despite everything that they threw at you. Maybe some of their abuse did linger in your mind, you’re only human, how could it not? But it hasn’t stopped you. The voice inside of you that wanted better than they ever treated you has spoken far louder and more often over the years,” Remus explained. He waited a moment, and the attentive look Sirius was sending him seemed to encourage him to continue on. “You can’t control whether or not they had an impact on you, but you’ve overcome everything that they threw at you. You put yourself through medical school so that you could fully get away from them and live the life you wanted. You graduated and got your first choice for residency, all without the support of your family,” he added with gravity. “You’re _ amazing_, and I look up to you so much for it.”

Sirius laughed softly, because Remus made it sound so simple, but the words also gutted him for a moment. Remus allowed him the silence, and Sirius was glad for it. A minute passed and then Sirius took a deep breath and smiled through the exhale. When he spoke, his voice was slightly unfamiliar. “Well, when you put it like that...”

Remus smiled gently back. “Sometimes you need somebody else to give you a different perspective. Sometimes it is as simple as getting out of your own thoughts. I think everyone gets lost in their mind sometimes and feels trapped by whatever insecurities they have, or things that have been drilled into them since childhood. That’s why it’s good to have people around you who can pull you out of that hole.”

“Yeah… it really helps,” Sirius offered, voice low. “I just,” he started, running a hand through his hair before taking his lower lip between his teeth. He just sighed instead and looked back at Remus, lifting a hand up in some vague show of surrender.

A stitch formed between Remus’ brows for a beat. “They aren’t winning, Sirius,” he reiterated. “They lost the moment you left their lives for good. And everything you have done since then is a reflection of how strong and committed you are to creating something better for yourself.”

Sirius blinked, letting all of that sink in and finding that it made a whole lot of sense. “Thank you,” he said.

A nod, and then Remus asked, “What did Caradoc say about it all after it happened?” Sirius’ eyebrows rose on his forehead, leading him to clarify, “I’m assuming he talked with you while you were upset? I’m not asking to make you uncomfortable, we don’t have to talk about that tonight, like I said. I just hope that someone was there for you I guess.”

“He was really good,” Sirius started after a moment, “Said that the experience would make me stronger, that it may deter me from investing so much emotionally in the future, but that I would find the times when it would be worth it.” He drummed two fingers on the table, not having the easiest time recalling the conversation, but pushing through it nevertheless. “And that a lot of doctors have to go through it themselves, become better doctors for it.”

Remus offered a hum of agreement. “That’s all sound advice in my book, and he’s probably speaking from experience,” he said. “Did it help at the time?”

“It helped a lot,” Sirius confirmed. “It’s part of the reason I was able to… to act so normal once I got home,” Sirius added with an awkward wave of his hand.

“Yeah,” Remus said with a nod, and the two of them fell into a silence as they finished off their dinners. A couple of minutes passed, and Sirius debated how much else he should reveal. There was a lot more to say, and he got the feeling that both of them weren’t too eager to explore all of it that night. But Sirius would be remiss if he didn’t bring up one more thing.

“You weren’t completely wrong about him,” he started, feeling a pang of guilt as Remus’ eyebrows slowly traveled upward and his eyes got a little wider. Yet he maintained his calm composure all the same.

“How so?” he asked with apprehension.

“He tried to kiss me that day,” Sirius gave out regretfully, and Remus, bless his heart, must have done everything in his power not to overreact, because he just sat there, waiting, giving Sirius the floor without another word. “Or rather, he did kiss me. It was a mistake on his part, and I stopped it immediately. He read the situation wrong and I made it clear that I wasn’t interested.”

Remus stared at him with narrowed eyes for a long moment, it could have been a full minute but Sirius wasn’t sure. “That’s pretty fucking inappropriate.”

Sirius shrugged, pairing the movement with a pointed nod. “I know. I’m not going to make excuses for him.”

His eyes flashed to the other side of the room and then back to Sirius again. “And you are still running with him?” 

“Yes,” Sirius answered firmly, because the decision was ultimately his. “We’ve spoken about it twice. It’s not going to be an issue ever again.”

“And you were so adamant that I was wrong about it,” Remus observed with a lilt at the end, as he lifted his final bite of salad to his mouth, his eyes still absolutely narrowed in on Sirius.

“I was naïve, and I was too trusting,” Sirius enunciated clearly. “I’m sorry, Rem. I won’t do that again.”

Remus seemed to weigh something in his head and eventually came out with, voice even, “How do you know you’re not being naïve now?”

“He’s not a horrible guy, Remus,” Sirius explained. “He had a weak moment — a very stupid moment — and I wasn’t easy on him about it by any stretch; I didn’t just ignore it and let it go. I wouldn’t plan to spend anymore time with him unless I was sure that it wasn’t going to happen again.”

Remus stared and Sirius could feel that he was angry. He shook his head before abruptly pushing his chair out, and he stood up to take his dishes over to the kitchen sink.

“Remus,” Sirius called after him softly.

The sound of running water and then a scoff. “Sorry, I just need a moment to get over another guy kissing you while you were going through something extremely emotional at work,” Sirius heard tossed back from the kitchen. “Not to mention that it’s something you assured me was fine, and now you’re assuring me all over again.”

He nodded— fair. “I would hate it too,” he conceded as he stood up, feeling the weight of his words as he pushed his own chair out much more softly than Remus had. “I did handle it, though. And more importantly,” he added, taking his time to cross over to where Remus stood over the sink, faucet on hot as he rinsed all of the dishes. He wrapped his arms around Remus, no time for hesitance, pulling him in tightly as his chin slotted against the curve of his neck. Remus was tense, it was a bit like hugging a statue, but Sirius was undeterred, “I already found the love of my life. It’s not in the realm of possibility that I would ever act on something like that. Not with Caradoc, not with anyone.”

Remus sighed, Sirius could feel that he was softening on the topic, just barely, but it was a start. However, that wasn’t good enough yet. “You’re the one I’ve always wanted,” he whispered against Remus’ neck, pausing to leave a lingering kiss behind his ear. “But I don’t want to ever make you feel insecure about it. I think I sent a strong message to Caradoc, and I would like to continue seeing him around the hospital and going on runs… but if you really aren’t comfortable with it, of course I won’t spend any more time with him.”

Another sigh before Remus reached forward to turn off the faucet, then dried off his hands before one moved to rub at his face. Sirius waited, arms still firmly around Remus’ middle, unmoving as Remus was stuck in thought.

“I know that _ you _ have never really given me a reason to be insecure about someone else, Sirius. And I want you to have friends who can support you, especially for things I don’t have a lot of experience with,” Remus said, voice low, “but you can’t be confiding in him in lieu of me… it breaks my heart.” Sirius squeezed him tighter. “It makes me question things I never thought I had to question before.”

“I know,” Sirius affirmed, and he did. “I’m so sorry; I wasn’t thinking about the whole picture and I won’t make that mistake again.”

A few breaths. “Okay,” Remus said after a moment.

“Okay?” Sirius checked.

“Okay,” Remus enunciated with a little more feeling, “I trust you. If you don’t think it’s going to be an issue then I’m not going to stop you. It’s your call.”

Long exhale. “Thank you,” he muttered, feeling lighter and warmer now that Remus was leaning back into his embrace, hands lying on top of his own. They remained like that for a long moment, their breathing becoming synchronized and they took comfort in the closeness. “Do you want to stay here with me tonight?” Sirius eventually broke through the silence to ask.

“Yes,” Remus answered without skipping a beat, lifting his hands before spinning around to face Sirius. He wrapped his own arms around Sirius’ neck and pulled him even closer. “I’ll have to stop by the flat before we head to the funeral though; I didn’t bring my suit.”

Sirius nodded, allowing his eyes to fully take in Remus’ face before pressing his lips forward, and they landed gently against his like two perfectly matched puzzle pieces. “I’ll go with you, we don’t have to be there until 10. And I’ll pack up all my stuff here and drop it at the flat, come home with you after.”

Remus kissed him again. “Good,” he breathed against Sirius’ lips, the two of them remaining still and reveling in the closeness for a minute before Remus spoke again. “Are you tired?”

Sirius laughed out a breath. “I’m so tired. I’ve been sleeping like absolute shit.”

Remus smiled and then looped one arm from around Sirius’ neck down to the small of his back. He then took a step, prompting Sirius to take one backwards. And then another. And soon Remus had navigated them all the way to the guest room, depositing one exhausted Sirius Black onto the bed before he made his way into the bathroom.

“I think there are some in the bottom drawer,” Sirius threw out, watching as Remus pillaged through the cabinets in search of a toothbrush. He held one up in victory before moving to the left side of the bathroom to turn on the shower. 

“You don’t mind if I shower, do you?”

Sirius pushed up into a full body stretch, closing his eyes as he let out a long groan that faded into a strained chuckle. “Why would I mind?”

Remus laughed. “Good. If you get bored while you’re waiting, feel free to catch up on Rock of Love.”

“I’m not going to do that,” Sirius promised, folding his arm underneath his head now as he watched Remus move about. “I have a little something called self-respect.”

Remus wrinkled up his nose before pulling his shirt up and over his head and tossing it right at Sirius’ face, who was too tired to do anything but let it happen. Remus turned away and made his way into the shower, leaving the door open so that Sirius could finish getting ready for bed. Sirius appreciated the view before the curtain slid closed, and then rolled off the cozy bed with painstaking slowness and made his way in.

Remus took longer in the shower than Sirius expected, but that was fine as it probably gave them both some time to mentally debrief after spending more time together than they had in days. And it gave him time to brush his teeth and wash his face before stripping down to his boxers and slipping into the far side of the bed once and for all, allowing his body to succumb to the full state of relaxation he nearly forgot he was capable of entering.

The gentle lulling sound of the running shower stopped eventually, and although Sirius was turned away from the door and barely conscious, he could hear Remus drying himself off before stepping back over to the bed and joining Sirius. Remus made his way under the covers, not hesitating at all as he pulled Sirius’ body against his own. One arm went underneath Sirius’ torso, his large hand splayed flat against the center of his chest, as the other hand landed on the top of his shoulder — and Sirius was glad Remus hadn’t hesitated, because if there was a time that he wanted to be pulled up against Remus, this was it.

And a long sigh left his mouth at the feel of Remus’ bare skin against his own, made even better by how firm a hold Remus had on him. On any other night, it would have led to something more, but Sirius got the feeling that Remus would want to put those things on hold for now — until they truly cleared the air between them — and so he let himself sink into the embrace instead, enjoying it for what it was. 

“Thank you for coming tonight,” Sirius said low, swiping a thumb over the skin of his forearm. “And for tomorrow. Even though I’m sure you’re still upset about a lot of it.”

“I was really upset,” Remus answered, nuzzling his chin down to let his lips land on Sirius’ shoulder as he spoke. “It hurts me to know that you hid something that meant so much to you, because I love you so much. I know there’s more to it, but knowing you confided your feelings about it to somebody else while lying to me…” he paused and took a deeper breath, “that was really hard to hear.”

Sirius nodded delicately. “I’m sorry. I was floundering around trying to make sense of things the best that I could. I was keeping that part of my life separate without considering what it might mean to you,” he said. “It’s… been hard.”

“I can imagine,” Remus sympathized. “Two years sounds like a long time, doesn’t it? To know a person? But it’s really not at all.” Remus laughed a breath of air through his nose and tacked on, “There’s still so much I’m learning about you.”

Sirius pushed a light groan out and laughed softly back. “Bad things?”

“No, not bad things,” Remus said, giving him a squeeze. “Just… how your mind works,” he clarified, letting his lips glide delicately back and forth over Sirius’ skin, and Sirius could imagine the pensive look on his face as he continued. “How you react to things, and how I can be better about approaching you when I am upset.”

“I’m not as, ah, straightforward as I wish I were,” Sirius broke the news. “Like you are.”

Remus hummed in disagreement and said, “It’s not that you aren’t, it’s just new information. We are different people and it takes time to figure these things out.”

Sirius sighed, feeling himself being pulled closer and closer towards sleep as Remus’ hand moved from his scalp over to his temple, thumb pushing lightly-pressured circles against it. “Do you think we will be able to work through it?”

“I do.” A kiss below his ear. “If you want to work through it I don’t think there’s anything that could break us apart. I know that I want to.”

The combination of the pressure around his eyes and Remus’ voice pushed Sirius into a deeper level of relaxation that he found himself helpless against. He could hear that Remus’ breathing had deepened and slowed, the rhythm like a lullaby, before he managed to mumble, “Yes, of course I want to.”

“Good,” he heard Remus breath as much as he felt it against the back of his neck. He felt another kiss land on his skin before he fell into the deepest sleep he’d had in weeks.

*****

Sirius woke up a bit before 7, but was hard pressed to actually get out of bed with a sleeping Remus still wrapped around him. He was eventually lulled back to sleep for another luxurious hour until he felt a hand moving up and down his waist, and Remus softly informed him that they should really get out of bed with a funeral to attend in a mere couple of hours. 

And that was all it took to accelerate a morning from relaxed to rushed, as all Sirius could afford was a quick shower before tidying up the guest bedroom while Remus took care of anything they had left behind in the kitchen the night before. They managed to leave the townhouse just after 8:30am, grabbing a couple of coffees on the way to the Tube, and getting back into their own flat a half hour later.

Cedric’s funeral service was held in a small cathedral only a couple of miles away from the flat, but in an effort to reduce some of the stress overall, Remus suggested they take a cab there. Maybe it was the anxiety of the day coupled with an extreme gratefulness for his partner, but Sirius nearly threw him down for it. 

They arrived ten minutes before the service started, each dressed for the occasion, and took some unassuming seats on the right side of the back pews. The cathedral was full, and as throngs of people filed into the large room behind them, the business of the morning faded away in Sirius’ mind and the realization of where they were took center stage. 

The architecture of the cathedral was stunning, and Sirius found that resting his eyes on the intricacies of the stain glass windows was a small source of comfort as everything began to commence. The service towed the line between traditional and modern, with old hymns that Sirius recognized being sung in the beginning but the messages from the speakers far more universal. 

Cedric’s father spoke after the priest, a short but sweet message for his son’s life that was cut far too short. His overarching message focused on everything that could be learned from Cedric, most specifically, making the most of the time that one was given. It was a typical message after a tragic death, Sirius knew, but it was poignant all the same. When Amos concluded his speech with a tearful mention about a reunion that would eventually take place years in the future, Sirius couldn’t help but hope for that too.

It was difficult to fully comprehend, watching the life of a man that was not only cut short, but had been stunted early on by frequent stays in the hospital and a general uncertainty about the longevity of his life. So much about it was unfair, and it was hard to find anything that emphasized it more for Sirius than attending a funeral full of so much love for a man who had so much to live for. 

The service closed with a slide show of Cedric’s life projected on a large screen that had been put together for the occasion. Sirius got to know Cedric more through images of him as a baby — never far from his parents’ adoring gazes — the first day of school, graduation, up to pictures with his girlfriend, who had stayed by his side until the very end. It ended with a close up of Cedric’s handsome face, smiling at whatever had been going on in the distance at that moment in time, looking more carefree than how Sirius had ever known him. The image eventually faded into a pitch black screen — and the effect of it was absolutely gut-wrenching.

“Well, fuck,” Remus whispered beside him, and Sirius couldn’t help but choke out one quiet puff of sad laughter in the otherwise hushed church.

But it didn’t stay that way for long, once people realized that the service had finished. Quiet chatter gradually filled the empty space, and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief as he and Remus sat there in their own thoughts as ten minutes went and passed them by.

“Do you want to talk to them?” Remus asked once the cathedral had emptied by at least half, tilting his head over to where Amos and Elizabeth stood at the exit.

“I don’t know… I don’t know if they want me to,” Sirius answered quietly, his hands clasping together.

Remus gave him a nudge. “He made the effort to reach out to you about coming, I’m sure he wants you to.”

“Yeah.” A pause and then Sirius nodded confidently. “Yeah, I mean I want to.”

“We can wait for it to clear out more,” Remus reassured, because he knew Sirius well.

“Good idea,” he agreed, and then, because it felt so important to state the obvious. “Funerals fucking blow.”

Remus bit down on his bottom lip as he suppressed a smile. “I don’t think anyone is going to fight you on that.”

“Good, because I’m fucking fired up about it,” Sirius tacked on. His eyes caught a gesture to his left and he put a small smile on his face as he waved back in Cho’s direction before she continued on the pathway to the exit.

Remus squeezed his knee. “This was beautiful though. I’m glad I got to see it,” he decided and Sirius nodded along silently. “There’s something so human about it all.”

“The most human thing in life, I think,” Sirius offered.

Remus hummed softly. “Yeah, I guess it is,” he agreed.

It didn’t take much longer than that for most of the pews to empty out, and a couple of minutes later, Remus stood a little ways behind him as Sirius went to approach Amos and Elizabeth. Cedric’s parents’ eyes were full of exhaustion, Sirius noted, and the small smile on Amos’ face gave nothing away except for how sad he was to be in his current position.

“I’m so sorry,” Sirius immediately heard himself say as soon as he gripped Amos’ extended hand in greeting. 

“Thank you,” Elizabeth started as she grasped his hand with both of hers next. “And thank you for coming, Dr. Black. It’s good to have you here. It would have meant a lot to Cedric, he really enjoyed your company.”

Sirius let out an appreciative sigh, because that was very kind of them to say. “I wish there was more that we could have done for him,” Sirius said, needing to say it as he tried to keep his voice even for both their sakes.

Amos shook his head to dismiss that sentiment. “We are so grateful for everything you _ did _ do. The long conversations about anything normal meant the absolute world to him — the fact that you treated him like somebody you were happy to see every time you entered his room, even if you were carrying bad news along with you.” Amos paused, but before Sirius could open his mouth with a response, he elaborated further. “He would have been miserable at that hospital without you, and well… he wasn’t. Up until the very end, he was never miserable. You treated him like he really mattered and that was something positive for him to look forward to in a really shit situation. And even though it didn’t work out like we all wanted, it made the moments that he did have a lot brighter,” he concluded sadly, his words accompanied by a soft nod from Elizabeth. And then, to really drive the point through Sirius’ heart, “We won’t ever forget what you did for our son.”

Sirius coughed, finding this all too much to digest in the given moment, and looked down at the floor for a brief second before meeting Amos’ eyes again. “Well, I won’t ever forget him.”

“I’m glad, he deserves to be remembered. And thank you for being here,” Amos finished, one nod punctuating the deeply genuine tone to his voice. Elizabeth spoke up to affirm her husband’s statement, reaching out to give Sirius’ shoulder one reassuring squeeze of gratitude.

“Of course.” Sirius sent them both one last tight smile before Cedric’s parents turned away to speak with the next group of people who had approached. 

He turned back to Remus, who was now actually right by his side, and tilted his head in the direction of the exit. Remus nodded and they walked out of the cathedral in silence, getting a good ways away from it all before Remus spoke up again.

“See, you’re amazing,” he said.

Sirius choked out a laugh. “I’m not.”

“It’s pretty clear that you are,” Remus supplied with a tone that suggested he was determined to force the point into Sirius’ head no matter how much he fought it. “Everything that Amos said about you, how much you added to Cedric’s life in a dark time… You’re incredible,” he reiterated. “That’s exactly how you make everybody in your life feel, even if you don’t realize it, even when you’re busy and working your ass off. And I’m so proud to be with you.”

That was overwhelming. “You’re so nice to me,” Sirius huffed, scrunching his nose as he sent Remus a look caught somewhere between discomfort and extreme appreciation.

Oh, and that got an eye roll. And a laugh. “Of course I’m _ nice _to you.” A push to his shoulder and Sirius laughed too. “Am I at least making the situation a little bit better?”

Sirius stopped walking, and it only took Remus a few additional steps before he noticed and came to a halt as well, turning back to look at Sirius with curiosity. “It makes _ everything _ better,” Sirius spoke with meaning, the words heavy as they came out of his mouth.

Remus hummed happily, reaching back Sirius’ hand and interlacing their fingers as they began to walk again. “What time do you have to be at work tonight?”

“Oh, I don’t,” Sirius gave back.

“You don’t?” Remus clarified hopefully.

“I don’t,” he confirmed. “I have the whole day off, I didn’t have to switch my shifts around or anything.”

“That is lucky,” Remus said with a lilt and a smile on his face. “Are you hungry?”

“I’d rather just head back to the flat?” Sirius suggested, only a hint of nervousness in his voice, but not enough that Remus would likely pick up on. The rest of the suggestion went unspoken, but he knew that Remus understood what he was hinting at.

“Great, me too,” Remus agreed, using his free hand to reach into his pocket to pull out his Oyster card as the tube station came into view. 

The ride back home was easy as things had become pretty normal between them again, which was pretty astounding to Sirius considering how much was still unsaid. They switched between a myriad of conversations, and Sirius was quite impressed by Remus’ ability to transition from talk of a funeral back to Rock of Love with such fluidity, as if there was no reason the two topics wouldn’t be brought up sequentially. There was some sense of discomfort about what was coming, but the easy rapport between them had lightened it substantially. It didn’t seem so impossible to work through now, not once Sirius realized that nothing about their relationship had really changed at all. 

By noon they were back at the flat, but somehow the lighthearted nature of the conversation on the Tube had slowly dissolved once they had stepped out of the station, eventually landing on complete silence by the time they entered their building. 

“Are you okay?” Remus asked him as Sirius moved into the bedroom to hang his jacket back up in the closet.

“From the funeral?” Sirius clarified, getting rid of his shoes and socks now. “I’m okay. You don’t need to worry so much.”

“I just want to make sure,” Remus offered as he set his jacket on the dresser before kicking his own shoes off and unbuttoning the cuffs of his sleeves. “I mean, do you feel worse for having gone? Like you were worried about?”

“No,” Sirius shook his head, moving to sit down on the floor at the end of the bed, bending his knees so that his arms rested on them. “It made me feel better, even if it was sad. Because it was the right thing to do. I would have regretted not being there.”

Remus hummed, moving across the room to sit down on the floor next to Sirius, mimicking his positioning and resting his back against the end of the bed. “I’m glad it gave you that,” Remus said, and when Sirius turned to look at him, Remus’ eyes landed on his face, expression open. A long breath in, and then, without any further adieu, “Why couldn’t you have just talked to me about it?”

Sirius grabbed at his own wrist tightly as the question hung there in silence. He turned his neck to make an effort to look Remus in the eye, and found Remus staring at him, eyebrows raised expectantly in a way that informed Sirius that he was willing to wait all day for a response. “I don’t know, Remus,” Sirius landed on with a disappointing sigh. 

“Well try to figure it out, please. You’re not dense,” Remus prompted. “Just say whatever pops into your mind, I know you’ve been thinking about it.”

Sirius bit at the inside of his lip — an accurate assessment from Remus, yet again. So he would try and see where it went. “I hate the idea of giving you anything other than the best of myself. I feel like this past year has been me struggling to make up for the fact that I’m not the same guy that you met in Florence,” Sirius said, finding the words coming out more easily than he’d been anticipating in the days prior, and grateful for it. “And I’m not the same guy you dated in medical school who had a concrete focus and could figure out how to tackle his problems as he went along. Even though I was busy, I had a strong handle on it all.”

Remus paused in statuesque stillness for a moment, evidently waiting to make sure Sirius was done speaking, and then shot back with resolve. “I don’t know what you’re afraid of when it comes to me. The most frustrating part of this entire situation is that this is a recurring theme between us and nothing that I say will drill it into your mind that I have never expected you to not have down times in life, or to never evolve, or to never have something go wrong. It’s maddening that you refuse to accept that I love you just as much when you are happy and thriving as I do when you are going through some self-perceived low point.”

Sirius let out a breath he’d held onto— for when Remus comes prepared, he comes prepared — and offered, “It’s just that voice in the back of my mind. I don’t know. The idea of letting somebody close enough to me when I can’t even stand myself feels…” Sirius started to explain as best he could, and it had made sense in his head, but it was hard to know how the words would land to someone else who wasn’t inside his brain. “Suffocating. Impossible.”

“It’s like you’re too worried about maintaining whatever image you think I have of you instead of just living as you are,” Remus offered simply.

Sirius laughed through his nose. “I think that’s probably accurate,” he said.

Remus’ eyes wandered past Sirius’ head for a few moments before returning to his face. “Why was it that you were you able to talk to Caradoc about it?” he asked.

“I don’t love him,” Sirius answered easily, finding that he was simply answering without thinking now. And that was probably the most effective method. “I’m not worried about disappointing him.”

Remus sighed, and Sirius had to hand it to him, he managed his frustration well. “I take you seriously. I admire you. You have never disappointed me, not even slightly. I _ want _ you to be open so that I can be there for you. I’ve proven this time and time again. And it’s time for you to gain some perspective on that because you have been sabotaging things between us because of it,” Remus manifested. “And I know there is a reason your brain works this way. I think it’s fair to say that your parents drilled into you a warped image of love… where you are only fully deserving of it if you fit the image of person whose love you are seeking?”

Sirius nodded minutely. “I think that’s fair.”

“That’s not your fault. And you’ve developed some incredible relationships with people who love you unconditionally in spite of it. But you need to get a handle on it now, because whatever has been going on with you is not okay with me,” Remus went on, firm but gentle as ever as he delivered a message that would be gut-wrenching coming from anybody else. He leaned forward, closing perhaps only another inch or two at most of space between them, but Sirius felt the comfort of it all the same. “I want to help you with it, but you have to stop trying to control how I see you. Because I already do see you, completely I think, and I really deserve an honest and open relationship. I’m not willing to accept anything less than that.”

“I’m so sorry,” he let out, and the somewhat choked voice that came out of his mouth was not his own. A sigh was pulled from Remus in response, but a kiss on the top of Sirius’ head evened it out and gave him enough encouragement to keep talking. “The last couple of years, the last couple of months specifically, have been balanced between feeling so green and out of my element in general and feeling so grateful to have you in my life. And I get paranoid that I am going to fuck up what we have somehow, that it’s just a matter of time,” Sirius said, taking in a deep breath as those words sunk into his own mind too. “And I don’t know if it can make sense to you, but everything I did leading up to how fucked up everything got last week was some warped attempt to _ not fuck it up_,” Sirius attempted to explain, but stopped for a moment to let out a flustered huff of a laugh. “I know it doesn’t make sense, it sounds bloody ridiculous when I say it out loud.”

Remus hummed, taking a few extra seconds to process, regarding Sirius all the while. “I can understand what you’re saying,” he offered mercifully, “but... the thing is, trying to orchestrate a particular result is destined to backfire.” 

Sirius chuckled without humor, looking away from Remus to lean his head back against the bed, taking a long look at the ceiling. “I don’t know how I just miss these basic things. I can’t even say anything to justify it when you lay it out like that. You see it for what it is in a way that I don’t.”

“It’s because I’ve gone through similar versions of this self-sabotage thing too, you know,” Remus supplied with a gentle wave of his hand that Sirius barely caught in his peripheral, and he waited for Remus to elaborate. “It’s not like I magically understand all the ways of the world. I’ve learned a lot myself along the way, and not elegantly.”

Sirius sucked in a breath and released it as a single laugh through his nose. “I doubt that.”

“I was incredibly lonely in my 20s, Sirius,” he insisted, and at this piece of information, Sirius turned his neck to watch his face as he spoke. “I felt like I couldn’t connect with anybody.”

Sirius reached a hand out to Remus’ knee, drawing light circles on it once it got there. “That’s hard for me to believe,” he returned candidly.

“Believe it,” Remus threw out, enunciating every syllable and capping it off with _a look _to put a real emphasis on the words_._ “Years of seeing everyone else around me fall into easy relationships while I made a couple of disappointing connections along the way? It was demoralizing. And I found that the more I tried to force myself into what I _thought_ would make me a more attractive partner, the more it backfired and ended up making me feel empty.” He paused for a shrug and Sirius was positively enthralled by the new information. “Trying to control things out of your control is the most miserable endeavor in the world, I don’t recommend it,” Remus continued with a small smirk sent in Sirius’ direction. “So eventually I thought, fuck it, I’m alone right now either way, I might as well _like_ myself and enjoy it. And then things seemed to fall into place.”

Sirius’ hand continued to circle. “How did they fall into place?”

One of Remus’ hands landed on top of Sirius’, pulling it up gently as he mingled their fingers together, playing with them lightly. “Well, I got really fucking honest with myself. And then I stopped spending time on things or with people that weren’t making me happy,” he started matter-of-factly, and Sirius was all ears. “Instead, I began to wholly pursue the things that I loved and decided I wasn’t going to think twice about things I didn’t. Eventually, I got the teaching position I wanted. I was able to travel more and spend unlimited time in museums and books. And then I met you, and everything that I missed out on before suddenly made complete sense in hindsight.”

Sirius’ eyes flashed as the message hit him at a level he hadn’t experienced before. The message wasn’t revolutionary, or brand new, but the way Remus articulated something so _ simple _landed with him right then in a way that felt cellular. Remus gave his hand a giant squeeze, likely aware that Sirius needed a long moment after that metaphorical shot to the gut. And Remus allowed it, incredibly accommodating guy that he was. 

Eventually Sirius collected himself enough to ask, “How did you get yourself to that point?”

Remus took his time before answering, giving a couple clicks of his tongue as he sorted his thoughts. “Everyone has to get there on their own. But I was tired of failing to live up to a set of imaginary expectations for people who didn’t matter,” he posed, continuing on after a beat and shifting the topic to a broader sense now. “Things that happened to us in the past tend to affect the way we are now... but I think eventually you recognize how much they are weighing on your actions and holding you back from achieving what you actually do want. I was thinking about it all over the last couple of days, and I understand that you keeping things from me isn’t deceptive or ill-intentioned.”

“No. It’s not,” Sirius insisted, glad that was clear. There was silence between them as he breathed in and out without a hitch, and then, “What do you think I should do now?”

“It’s just,” Remus said, clasping Sirius’ hand in place as he held a small breath before shooting it out quickly, “you have to take me into account too now. I don’t think it’s a sign of a healthy relationship when one partner is only willing to fully be in the relationship when things are going well for him. I need you to be aware of yourself when you get into that space, and how it relates to us. And even if there are things you don’t want to talk about when they happen, just please let me know that. You know I won’t press you for anything you aren’t willing to give. But you cannot lie to me.”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, a little softly, “I don’t think that is too much to ask.”

“I’ve never expected you to be perfect,” Remus articulated with candor, “maybe your parents did, but I’m not that. And I would really like for you to stop treating me like I am.” Sirius nodded before he continued a beat later, tone becoming unreadable, which gave Sirius pause. “And I hate to break it to you, but despite your best efforts, I have seen you at your worst.”

His eyebrows raised as his stomach sank a micron. “Oh yeah?” he muttered, completely unsure of where this was going.

Remus double-blinked but kept right on, “That time you tripped as you sprinted up the stairs to the flat while excitedly carrying those cartons of hummus and shawarma from Beirut?”

Sirius wheeled his head up in an arc and leveled with him again. “Stop,” he mouthed with faux warning.

“It was a literal explosion of hummus, all over the stairs and the walls,” Remus carried on deceptively evenly given the topic of conversation, pulling a silent laugh out of Sirius that sent his shoulders shaking. “I found chicken in the hallway the next day. You had been so bloody excited before you tripped, you were even singing that special shawarma song you made up the first time we went there. And when I helped you up, I acted like I didn’t see the tears at the edge of your eyes from the disappointment of it all,” Remus waited a beat, “but I did. Along with the hummus on your forehead.”

“Oh my god,” Sirius managed to breathe out, the memory of how hot his face had gotten the moment the hummus hit the wall at the forefront of his mind. He tried to keep the amusement at bay but was failing miserably.

A small pause. “But really, Sirius,” Remus said, voice imbued with genuine care again and only a hint of the Great Hummus Debacle lining his tone. “It makes me love you more. So much more. I don’t want someone who is always perfect and who doesn’t spill hummus _ everywhere _ every so often—”

“It was one time.”

Two shakes of laughter. “I want you to be happy, of course, but if you’re not, I want to be the one who you trust enough to help you get through things. It’s not a burden or a red flag or a turnoff or whatever you think it might be. It just makes me love you more.”

Sirius’ eyes lolled to the side at that, took a long deep breath before opening his mouth again to speak. “My fucking family really did a number on me,” he lamented quietly.

Remus shrugged and hummed low, turning Sirius’ hand over so that they could interlace their fingers completely now. “It’s like we talked about last night, they may have left scars behind, but you’re the one who won. This week was horrible, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again.”

Sirius nodded. He knew that, and yet, “It is frustrating because I logically know that you aren’t going to love me less if I lose my job or I don’t have the energy to be myself on a lot of days. I know it, and I know you… but at the same time, I don’t _ know _it,” he tried to explain, laughing at himself with a couple huffs of breath at how ridiculous it sounded. 

But Remus didn’t laugh, he just tilted his head as his gaze remained focused in on Sirius. “You’ll get there,” he responded, his eyes unwavering. “I don’t think that you have ever felt safe when you have experienced love, or when someone else has loved you.”

“What do you mean?” Sirius asked.

Remus hummed thoughtfully, and Sirius found the deep timbre of his voice relaxed him in a way that only Remus had ever been able to. “I thought about how we didn’t get off the smoothest start,” Remus offered and then there was a pause. “Santorini was a trainwreck. We know how that went… And I _ think _ that things have been smooth since we really got together, that I have never given you a reason to question it—“

“You haven’t,” Sirius put out.

Remus’ lips arced up into a grateful smile, not needing any more assurance than that. “I’m glad. But like I said before, you’re so worried about trying to be what another person wants, because that is what you were taught. I think that’s why you say that it feels suffocating to have somebody really actually love you. Because when you get that close to another person, you can’t always be what you think they want you to be… it would be impossible. Eventually, they are really truly going to see you. ”

Sirius laughed quietly again, unsure of how Remus was able to pinpoint him so fucking accurately. But then again, it wasn’t surprising at all. The man clearly had a gift. “You’ve put a lot of thought into this,” he settled on, his eyes wide before a small smile of his own mirrored Remus’.

“I had a long week, and I didn’t dedicate it all to Bret Michaels’ failed love life,” Remus pointed out, coupled with the most pronounced blink that Sirius had ever seen, successfully pushing him to snort out a laugh. “I wanted to think about why you were resistant to talk to me… I just needed some time to put myself in your place to figure it out,” he explained with a small but wild gesture of his free hand. 

And that was the thing about Remus, for better or worse. He needed time to think about things. But when he was given the time and freedom to do so, it was rare that he didn’t return with some new insight that blew Sirius’ mind in one way or another.

“Everything you’ve pointed out hits hard,” Sirius put out with a breath of air, feeling lighter the longer the conversation continued, which had to be a good sign, “so I’m sure that means you’re onto something.”

Sirius looked up in time to catch Remus’ nod. “I think you’re way too harsh with yourself,” Remus continued, the furrow of his eyebrows creasing together in a brief moment of hesitation. “And that is unfortunate because you really owe it to yourself to acknowledge how far you’ve come and how much you have built all on your own. If you realized all of that, you would never have to question how I see you.”

Sirius breathed in deeply, finding that the intimacy of this conversation demanded that the two of them be physically close as well. He leaned forward a bit before pushing himself upright and hitched one leg over Remus so that he sat on top of him with a leg on either side. It didn’t take another beat before Remus had placed his hands on Sirius’ hips, pulling his tucked shirt out and sliding his hands underneath to rest along the bottom of his waist.

“I love you,” Sirius murmured as he shifted forward, leaning his head against Remus’ so that they sat forehead to forehead.

“I love you too,” Remus whispered back, hands moving up and down Sirius’ torso now, and with a narrow tilt of his head he kissed Sirius softly. And he reciprocated back immediately, melting into lazily because it was unspoken that this would be the pace, as though they knew that slowing things down was necessary for both of them. Sirius’ stomach clenched as one of Remus’ hands drifted down along his waistband, fingers tracing along his stomach as their lips continued to drink each other in after feeling so far away.

“I mean,” Sirius breathed against the corner of his mouth, voice a pitch higher, “I really fucking love you.”

His words were met with the vibration of a hum against his lips, and then, “I know you do,” Remus said. He removed his hands from Sirius’ skin and put them to use unbuttoning Sirius’ shirt instead. And Sirius allowed him to take his time, his breath moderate as he waited, until he quickly shrugged off the shirt once Remus had finished.

Once that barrier was gone, Sirius arched forward to give Remus the same treatment he had just received, unbuttoning his shirt while ducking his head down into the crook of Remus’ neck – his mouth refusing to be unoccupied for even one moment with Remus underneath him.

“And I’m sorry,” he spoke softly against Remus’ skin, but it was just loud enough. “I’m not going to make you feel like you have anything to worry about again.”

Remus shrugged out of his shirt — not so gracefully, but he managed without disrupting Sirius’ position and that was a win in itself – before he reached forward to pull Sirius tightly against him. “Thank you,” he spoke clearly, his hands moving with reverence up Sirius’ back, to his shoulders, down along his biceps, and then back up again. “I really missed having you here with me.”

“Did you?” Sirius raised with a smile. He arched even more against Remus as a hand made its way to his lower back and pushed itself beneath his trousers.

“So much. It felt so wrong to have you so far away,” Remus said easily against Sirius’ mouth, waiting for him to close that final bit of distance between them. And Sirius did, quickly finding the curve of Remus’ bottom lip and slotting it between his own, pressing a hand up unceremoniously through the waves of Remus’ hair. He let out a sigh when Sirius raked his fingers back down to massage at his neck, pulling slightly away from Sirius to look back up at his face. A deep breath and then his hand came around to Sirius’ front and pressed slowly up his bare chest, stopping at his collarbone, and Sirius’ eyes fell shut at the increased pressure of his hand.

A moment later, Remus’ other hand dropped lower, hooking a finger around Sirius’ belt loop. “Take these off,” he muttered against Sirius’ lips with a tug at his trousers. “And your boxers too.”

It was not a difficult request for Sirius to comply with, and a couple of seconds later found him maneuvering off of Remus and now standing up and unbuckling his belt. He grabbed the lube from the nightstand while he was up – because there was no way on earth he was not going to get fucked right now – before divesting himself of the rest of his clothes. Remus’ eyes were glued to him as he made his way back over. He was still partially clothed, a bit to Sirius’ disappointment, but he apparently had something more in mind and Sirius said nothing about it as he had learned to trust him when it came to things of that sort.

As soon as he was close enough, Remus grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back down on top of his as he had been before not-so-gently lifting him by the hips and pushing Sirius’ knees on either side of his waist, reminding Sirius that Remus was much stronger than he looked in the process. The same position as before, but this time without anything to impede Remus’ hands from moving wherever they saw fit. And he took advantage of that right away, palms pushing firmly up Sirius’ thighs as his head tilted forward and his mouth dragged along his sternum. And Sirius could do nothing more but lean into it all, finding the touch to have a tranquilizing effect as he melted further and further into it, breathing becoming heavier the further Remus’ hands and mouth moved along.

They were _ very _good at sex. Add in the most intimate conversation Sirius had ever had, and he was absolutely floating.

“Do you know what I have been thinking about this entire week?” Remus’ voice broke him out of his trance, but only barely.

He cleared his throat, very much aware of where Remus’ fingers were headed. “What?”

“Italy,” he supplied with satisfaction – his stable voice a stark contrast from the one that Sirius had used to respond a second earlier, and he was clearly enjoying that. “How you kept pushing and pushing and pushing things between us, even when I fought you every step of the way.”

Sirius’ eyes remained closed, but he hummed through a smile. “I was very determined.”

“You were very determined,” Remus echoed. His hands moved lightly up the sides of Sirius’ torso and he spoke against his neck, just underneath his ear, breath hot against Sirius’ skin. “And then you found me years later. And I cannot get over how much it probably took for you to do that. You could have been worried that what we had years before had only been some sort of fling, or that I had moved on and you were being silly to romanticize over some guy you met briefly while abroad. We really hadn’t known each other all that long in Italy,” he spoke leisurely, voice still steady and deep as always. But he paused, taking some amount of time to turn his attention to Sirius’ neck, and then, once he was satisfied with that, “But you still knew. From the very beginning.”

“I did,” Sirius murmured back, and it only took a meager turn of his neck to join their lips together once again. It was a confusing dynamic, for Remus to be so calm and collected while Sirius felt he might explode wherever Remus’ fingers decided to touch him next. Frustrating in one way, yet doing absolutely everything to turn him on even more.

Sirius pulled back from the kiss with a groan as one of Remus’ hands moved up to his bicep while the other moved down to lightly grip around his cock. “If you hadn’t kissed me in Florence, or practically begged me to go with you to Greece… or if you hadn’t showed up to my classroom in what might be the most romantic gesture in modern history… we wouldn’t be together right now.”

“No,” Sirius managed to respond from somewhere deep in his throat.

Remus’ hand gripped a little tighter. “Realizing that has been terrifying for me,” he admitted with a sincerity that nearly cracked his voice. Sirius’ eyes opened slowly, and he found that Remus’ gaze was glued to him, but it never stayed on just one part of him for more than a couple of seconds. “Without you being so steadfast and determined, I would have let the best thing that ever happened to me pass right on by,” he concluded as his eyes moved downward, his hand tightening as he finally started giving Sirius a real honest effort that was more than appreciated.

Sirius reacted without thought, groaning out only Remus’ name, because there wasn’t much else to say. His eyes began to close shut again, as if his body hoped that ridding himself of one of his senses would give the rest of him some sort of relief.

“I love that about you,” his voice continued, “how unwavering you have always been.”

“It’s never going to change,” Sirius breathed back as his body leaned forward and his hips began to fall into the rhythm of Remus’ hand.

Remus kissed him for it, and despite feeling completely out of his element, or maybe because of it, Sirius found that this kind of unadulterated attention made him feel like an absolute prize. There were things that they were still learning about each other, but they wouldn’t be shaken like this again, Sirius was sure of it.

They kissed for a while longer, and it became a bit disjointed as Remus struggled to rid the lower half of his body of the rest of his clothes with one hand while Sirius remained on top of him through it all. But they managed it somehow, through a wholly impressive display of synergy. And after the sound of a bottle uncapping, a low groan was pulled from Remus’ throat as his finger found Sirius’ entrance, as though it was the most pleasurable thing for _ him _to do. Finally.

“You’re so gorgeous,” Remus supplied as he got to work on Sirius, the combination of praise and touch pushing Sirius to absolutely keen under it all. “I have no idea how I was able to resist you for as long as I did.”

Sirius breathed out a stuttered laugh. “You bloody tortured me.”

“Did I?” Remus asked, a cheeky grin growing on his face at the sentiment. He moved his mouth over to kiss along Sirius’ jaw in consolation. “I’m sorry.”

Sirius’ eyes fluttered closed again. “It was awful,” he hummed, his forehead falling forward onto Remus’ shoulder. “But this is making up for it.”

A kiss beneath his ear, and they stayed like that for a good while as Remus made good use of his fingers to slowly work Sirius open. It was unspoken when the waiting became too much for both of them. Sirius sat up straight again, placed his hands on Remus’ shoulder, and Remus helped to guide him down with his hands on Sirius’ hips.

They started slow, like everything building up to this had been, breathing uncoordinated yet somehow in sync through a shared disjointedness, and Sirius was sure it was exactly what they both preferred.

“Come here,” Remus breathed after a moment, their current closeness not quite close enough. His hands moved from Sirius’ hips, one reaching behind to rest on the divot of his lower back – pushing Sirius closer against him – and the other hooking under the bend of Sirius’ knee, using the newfound control as leverage to quicken the pace and force of his hips. Sirius was pliable to Remus’ strength, and he regained the solace he had lost during the week all while his composure was thoroughly destroyed as Remus moved inside of him.

It lasted longer than usual given the pace. The firm grasp of Remus’ hand around Sirius’ cock brought Sirius off first, and then Remus followed a couple of minutes later, clutching Sirius tighter against his chest as he rode through it. Time passed, sweat and skin melting into one another as Sirius took the respite to simply breathe Remus in as a hand tangled its way into his hair and fingernail lightly grazed against his scalp. Neither were in a hurry to get up from the floor, even though any other place would undoubtedly be more comfortable. They relished in the moment, with nothing between them – physically or emotionally – for perhaps the very first time.

“I can’t move,” Sirius murmured after his entire body twitched just before he had almost fallen asleep.

Remus kissed the top of his head. “You don’t have to.”

He laughed. “I’m not putting clothes on this entire day.”

“I wasn’t going to let you anyway,” Remus hummed back after no pause at all.

Sirius kissed from his shoulder to his neck, finding that life was finally coming back into his body, limb by limb. Remus continued playing with his hair, fingers gliding through it from scalp to root and then back again.

And that reminded him. “I need to get a haircut soon.”

Remus gave out some sort of noise, not really discernable other than for its disagreeableness. “I like it,” he insisted with a tug.

“Do you miss my long hair?” Sirius clarified, mouth quirking at the side.

A matching smile. “I always loved it, it suited you so well. But it’s more about whatever you are comfortable with since you’re fucking gorgeous no matter what,” Remus offered back, ever the diplomat.

“Maybe I will grow it back out,” Sirius tried, watching Remus for signs. “It wouldn’t be out of place at the hospital.”

Remus blew out a gust of air. “Thank God,” he muttered.

Sirius laughed again, through his nose this time, and relaxed further into Remus again. They were a mess laying there. He didn’t want to think about it, and found that existing in the moment wasn’t bad in any single respect. Sirius felt weightless as Remus’ warm hands continued to glide all over him, making sure to touch every inch they could reach – like they had in the beginning, in the middle, and now the end – his thighs, his waist, his back, his arse, and up to his shoulders before moving back on down again.

He must have fallen asleep for at least a brief moment, as he was jerked awake as Remus struggled successfully to get to his feet with Sirius still draped around him, heavy and limp and nothing but a deadweight in his arms.

“Sorry,” Remus mumbled, turning the two of them before dropping Sirius down on the bed. “Not so comfortable for me after all. But I did promise you wouldn’t have to move.”

Sirius laid there frozen. “I’m going to get it all over the bed,” he reasoned as he bared his teeth in apprehension_ . _

Remus let out a snort. “Comes with the territory and you’ll never hear me complain about it.”

And with that, it would have been impossible to dull the absolute peace Sirius felt in the moment. He gave a full body stretch and warmth flowed through his veins, bending one knee up once he’d finished. “Will you make us lunch? I’ll make it up to you in the shower afterwards.”

Remus laughed for a breath before crawling onto the bed and situating himself back between Sirius’ legs. “Yes, I will go make us lunch.”

Sirius bit down on his lip, smiling up at Remus fondly as his hands landed on either side of Sirius’ head. His eyes took Sirius in with purpose, as if they were taking the time to memorize every line of Sirius’ face.

“Are you still okay?” Remus whispered, a bit of a crease forming between his eyebrows as he spoke.

“I’m very okay,” Sirius whispered back.

But Remus wasn’t satisfied yet. “Even after this morning?”

Sirius swallowed as he took a moment to organize his thoughts, to really identify what he felt. “_Because _ of this morning. it feels easier now, like it is bearable. I can handle it and whatever else is coming.”

Remus’ mouth pulled upwards. “Good,” he said before his arms lowered to bring his face down to meet Sirius for another kiss. “And I will always be here to help you with whatever that may be.”

He pulled himself up a bit, but their faces were still close and their eye contact unwavering. “Me too,” Sirius spoke through a breath. “No matter what.”


	8. Reverie

“Wow, only two flavors this time,” Remus remarked as Sirius reached across the counter to take the cone. 

“I’ve matured you know,” Sirius responded airily, taking one lick of pistachio before turning back to the man behind the counter. “And he’ll just have two scoops of chocolate,” he added with a nod over in Remus’ direction

“Which type? We have Rocky Road, Chocolate Cake, Extra Dark Chocolate, Mint Chocolate Ch–”

“Yeah I’ll stop you there,” Sirius floated out almost as an aside. “Just plain old chocolate,” Sirius underscored the exaggerated dullness of his voice with a small smirk in Remus’ direction, who huffed out a laugh at it. 

“Says the man who believes that _pistacchio_ and _gianduia_ go together.”

“They all go together.” Sirius smiled at him behind the tower of gelato in front of his own face before digging into his pocket for a couple of pounds and placing them by the register. “And even if they didn’t, I have two different experiences in one.”

“Lucky you,” Remus remarked without envy as he reached for his own less colorful cone before they walked out of the store and took a seat on one of the benches outside. “I could argue that you’re not letting either flavor shine on its own, as it deserves, but we all know that conversation is a dead end.”

“You’re wrong though,” Sirius countered, severely unaffected in tone and expression.

Remus sighed, opening his mouth to reply one second and then apparently thinking better of it the next. “Yes, Sirius.”

“Do you think it bothers your students?” Sirius asked with genuine intrigue and wide eyes. And then, “to have a professor who is so blatantly wrong teaching them?”

And that was too much for Remus apparently, and he delivered just like Sirius hoped that he would, with one long sigh preceding the tirade he was about to launch into. “I know what I like, Sirius. We rarely even come here anymore with the way our schedules line up. So why in the world would I order anything other than the flavor that is tried-and-true, the one I have been looking forward to ever since we made these plans to carb you up before your race, the one I haven’t had the pleasure of consuming for _ months?” _ he threw out far more erratically than the topic of gelato ever warranted, and Sirius basked at his own job well done. “I’d be a fool to order anything else.”

Remus turned back to Sirius, finding the wide grin that Sirius wore on his face in response to his successful provocation, and then shot Sirius one gloriously exaggerated eye roll in return. Sirius laughed merrily.

“Yes, you’re hilarious,” Remus confirmed drily before returning his attention back to the gelato.

“Well, thank you, but I’m nothing compared to you. Not when you get all riled up like that, over gelato of all things, again and again and again,” he said, peeling the paper off the bottom of the cone for complete unfettered access.

“Oh, shove it,” Remus offered, his voice ringing with positivity in stark contrast to the words, and the overly pleasant smile on his face made Sirius laugh harder than he had in ages. 

“Nothing funnier in the world,” Sirius concluded as he leaned forward, depositing half of a kiss on the crook of Remus’ neck – the other half being stolen by the final bits of laughter – and then straightened back up to check the time on his phone. “I think that was the earliest dinner I’ve ever eaten,” he observed before going in for the chocolate hazelnut.

“Yeah it might have been,” Remus laughed. “But I’d feel really great if you got to bed before 9 tonight with how early you were up today. Don’t want you too tired for tomorrow morning, it would stress me out.”

Another lick with eye contact. Pistachio now, to Remus’ delightful chagrin. “I’ll be fine.”

A wrinkle of his nose in unadulterated displeasure, but he trudged along nevertheless. “And with a long shift right after running a half-marathon? I’ll be glad when it is Sunday for your sake.”

Sirius waved his hand. “I don’t need to be there until 2, and we’ll probably get home before 11. Plenty of time to fit in a shower and a nap if I need it. Don’t worry about me.”

“That’s true,” Remus breathed out in relief, which was wonderfully sweet considering it wasn’t even his welfare they were discussing. “James and Lily are still coming, right?”

“Sure are,” Sirius confirmed with a nod. “They offered to take us out to lunch afterwards, but I asked if we could move it to Sunday instead because of work.”

Remus’ face turned thoughtful for a moment, and then, “Alright, that works. Should be fun.”

Sirius hummed affirmatively. “So they will be there, not the whole time, but you’ll have somebody to hang out with near the finish-line.”

“Great, I look forward to catching up with them,” he put out before turning his attention back to his gelato, his eyes falling shut as another taste of chocolate hit his tongue. It was the picture of true bliss, simple and appreciated.

Sirius felt a brief flush pride that he was also able to elicit that look from him on special occasions, and then a small bout of laughter at it all. “You and that fucking chocolate gelato,” he threw out between breaths. “Your soul’s match indeed.”

His eyes flicked up to Sirius unperturbed. “When you know, you know,” he said simply.

Sirius leaned forward with an expectant smile. “But how can you _ really _know if you never try anything else.”

Three shakes of his head. “That’s a stupid question.”

Sirius barked out a laugh at the bluntness. “Why is it stupid?”

Remus sent him a real and actual glower as if a concept so simple should not need to be explained. But he took a deep breath and gave it a go all the same. “It’s like how I feel about you. You’re my match and I don’t need to fuck around with anyone else to confirm that. I just know,” he stated far too airily for how sweet a sentiment it was. “And so why would I waste my precious time being disappointed by a different person – or a different gelato flavor in this case – when it means missing out on something that I _ know _ is the best.”

Sirius smiled. Remus looked like he was bracing himself for one of Sirius’ typical responses on this issue. But no, not this time. 

“We should get married,” Sirius said, a realization so absolute it deserved to be spoken out loud.

Blink. “That’s not what I was—“ Remus started fervently before putting on the brakes, then blinked twice more. “What?”

“Look, I’m just taking your statement to its logical conclusion, professor,” Sirius explained with a wave of his hand. “I happen to agree that I’m your match, and you’re of course mine, so it’s pretty simple isn’t it?”

More blinking. “Yes.”

“So?” Sirius pressed, enjoying goading him, especially with the deer in the headlights look on Remus’ face. But he was dead serious about the topic too. “What do you think?”

“I think… um—” Remus interrupted himself with a brief laugh, then one long beat before he said, “Just, is _ now _the time for this?”

Sirius raised his eyebrows, reminding himself of the other man’s need to think things through, and then another beat passed. “Okay,” he let him have, circling back with a smirk, “just planting the seed.”

“I mean, yes I think about that,” he offered charitably as he got himself together. “I just want to spend tonight focusing on your race tomorrow.”

Sirius snorted. “I’m not nervous about it or anything. I want to get under an hour 45 but it shouldn’t be difficult with all of the training I did. We can talk about other things,” he pushed, and then thought better about it, “or not, especially if you’re going to get all squirrelly about it.”

A well placed cough. And then, “No, not with a five-minute kilometer pace to keep up, I know you have a goal,” Remus countered, as Sirius snorted again before going at the cone with a broad lick to capture the hodgepodge of ice cream starting to drip now, and he could just imagine the perfect look of disgust he was getting in return. “But sure, consider it planted,” he voiced, then, “Is Caradoc going for the same pace?”

Sirius looked over at him now with a nod, licking his lips. At least he’d given it an honest shot. “He sure is, even though he could probably push it a little faster,” he said.

“That’s good, you’ll have someone to help you pace,” Remus threw out easily as he leaned back against the bench and angled his body to face Sirius a bit more. “Five minutes is incredible, and you haven’t even been training that long.”

“True,” Sirius confirmed with a lick of pistachio, taking a pause before he mused further. “It’s funny how training works. Hundreds of singular and insignificant workouts, all joining together to create what it takes to run the half — joining together to create the bigger picture,” he described, taking a moment to pause for dramatic effect — his eyes set on Remus’ face — before picking up again, with a strong air of nonchalance. “Not unlike the artistic style of chromoluminarism, you could say, founded and most famously employed by the French post-impressionist artist Georges Seurat.”

“Oh my god,” Remus broke into Sirius’ favorite type of laughter, the one where he had truly caught him off guard, and Remus finally looked relaxed again. “How long have you been holding onto that one for.” 

“Months, Remus,” Sirius put out, “But it felt like years.”

Remus’ head moved from side to side as more laughter shook through his body. “I have no doubt, it’s quite the metaphor. Maybe I’ll even use it one day.”

Sirius hummed and did a shoulder bob, supremely pleased with himself, as Remus pulled out his phone and began to flip through it. “Sorry,” he muttered under his breath, and sending Sirius a small apologetic smile. “Just give me a minute. I forgot to respond to my mum earlier today. They both wished you good luck tomorrow by the way.”

“Well, tell them thank you for me,” Sirius requested. Another minute passed and he was still waiting for Remus to finish up on the phone. Sirius lifted the cone to his face surreptitiously and casually looked off to the side.

He turned back again and cleared his throat. “Remus,” Sirius tried again, getting nothing but a vague grunt before he continued with an edge of exasperation, “Remus, I wish you would take me seriously.”

Remus’ grip on the phone loosened in an instant and he wheeled around, paused a long second, and burst out laughing at the sight of Sirius with what had what must be a horrific mixture of green and brown smudged all over his mouth and chin.

“Oh my god,” he laughed through the words with an unmistakable fondness. “You’re so disgusting,” he said in awe, dropping his phone on his lap and using his newly free hand to cup Sirius’ jaw where he hadn’t planted ice cream, as he leaned in to kiss him firmly. “So disgusting,” he muttered, and then another kiss, “and your lips are diluting the taste of my chocolate,” kiss, “absolutely ruining it,” kiss, “and I have no idea how food ends up on your face so often,” he paused for a longer kiss, fingers tangling into Sirius’ hair at the back of his head, tugging at it gently. And then, “But I absolutely love you for it.”

Sirius laughed and smiled against Remus’ mouth, planted a huge swipe of his tongue across his lips for the hell of it. And Remus allowed it, bless him, until a moment later, “Go get some napkins, you human explosion.”

“On it,” Sirius responded dutifully, pushing off the bench, cone still in hand as he sauntered back into the shop, intent on pleasing his man and getting his face clean again — two birds with one stone, really. 

He bit off a big chunk of the cone and deposited the rest of the gelato into the trash (too ambitious of a helping, as usual), before deciding that a quick stop to the loo was what he really needed to cleanse himself of the sticky multi-flavored mess on his face. Once that was taken care of, he moved back outside to find one gelato-less Remus back on his phone and texting away.

“You ready to head back?” Sirius asked, drying his hands on his jeans in the process. 

“Yep,” Remus drew the word out as his fingers finished their task, standing up. He smiled as he walked over to Sirius, putting one hand at the small of Sirius’ back once he got there. “Let’s get back.”

Sirius kissed his shoulder. “How’s your mum?”

“Good, excited about coming for Christmas,” Remus answered. “Plotting about a nice gift for you.”

“I’m going to have to do the same for them,” Sirius said. “I’ll need your help.”

“They are easy,” Remus answered. “Mum is currently on a quilting kick and Dad loves all things gardening.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, but only half-heartedly, “but the gifts need to be more thought out than some wacky fabrics or a garden gnome.”

Remus laughed. “We have time to figure it out.”

Sirius gave a noise of acquiescence to that thought and then, “Should be fun.”

“Yeah?”

Sirius hummed a confirmation. “I’m looking forward to seeing them – having that opportunity we talked about before – and making time for some London tourism,” he explained, and the smile he saw on Remus’ face told him just how happy he was to hear it. “And then Prague.”

Remus squeezed at his side. “And then Prague.”

“Which is going to be so much better than Greece,” Sirius made sure to point out definitively.

Remus huffed out a laugh and then turned his head to look at Sirius a couple of moments later. “I can recall some phenomenal moments from Greece,” he offered pointedly.

“Hm?” Sirius provided with faux bewilderment. “And what would those be?”

“An adorable bookstore, cliff-jumping, a particularly memorable toga,” he tacked on with special emphasis. 

“I was fond of that toga,” Sirius remembered sentimentally.

“I was _ very _fond of that toga,” Remus proclaimed with an eye on Sirius, and knowing that memory would never get old for either of them was something that made Sirius want to jump him right then and there, propriety be damned. 

“Prague will also have bed sheets,” he offered moderately instead. “I don’t want to over-promise anything... but _ maybe _ the toga can make her long-awaited return.”

“You think she’s up to it?”

Sirius clicked his tongue in thought. “I have it on very good authority that she is.”

“Well I am thrilled to hear that. She has been sorely missed,” Remus returned through a genuine sigh.

“She misses you too, the most adept fingers she has ever felt untie her apparently. You made quite the impression.”

“God,” Remus huffed, the pace of his steps quickening quite noticeably as he pulled Sirius along by his hand now. But that was fine, preferable even, he could keep up. “That night.”

“There definitely were some great moments there, before it all went to utter shit,” Sirius laughed. 

“Not my most shining moment,” Remus muttered.

“I think you’ve made up for it about a thousand times over by now,” Sirius sent back.

Remus didn’t respond, and the two men walked the rest of the way back to their flat in silence, hands gripped tightly around the other’s until their front door shut behind them and Sirius found himself pushed up against it, Remus standing directly in front of him with barely a centimeter of space between them.

But even that was too far as Remus surged forward to close the distance between them, covering Sirius’ mouth with his own as his hands pushed aggressively under Sirius’ shirt as though his life depended on it. Sirius kissed him back, and it didn’t take long for the same sense of urgency to build up inside of his own body, not with his shirt being thrown across the room, lips moving to his neck, and hands moving down to focus on the bottom half of his clothing.

“Now we have all the time in the world to make up for Greece,” Remus slowed down enough to murmur against his skin, and then adding, because he is above all a reasonable man, “money and work schedules permitting, that is.”

Sirius laughed through his nose at that, and then reached down to stop Remus’ hands from stripping him of all his clothing right there in the entryway. “Shower?” 

Remus let out a long breath through his nose, thought well of the idea for he straightened up in the moment, no longer pressed right up against Sirius, and said, “Yes.”

Sirius took a moment to regain his footing before taking a step to the right and heading in the direction of the bathroom. “You really are intent on getting me to pass out as early as possible tonight,” he threw out behind his shoulder.

Remus was only a couple of steps behind. “I can’t say there aren’t other selfish reasons involved too. But yes, that is one concern,” he responded evenly, maneuvering around Sirius to open the bathroom door, turn on the shower, and then strip his own shirt off first and the rest of his clothes second.

“By all means, be as selfish as you need,” Sirius provided as he undressed the rest of the way and two more steps brought him to stand flush against Remus — a pair of arms pulling him closer as his own reached around Remus’ back — using the time it took for the water to warm up to not-so-gently move their mouths and bodies together, searching for something that they could only ever give to each other. 

And a couple of steps backwards guided Sirius into the spray of water behind him, and with no objections at all, Sirius let Remus usher him about any which way he saw fit. They kissed beneath the spray for a couple of seconds before Remus seemingly thought better of it, reaching one hand out to grab the bottle of shampoo on his right and taking a short moment to pour the right amount into his left.

Remus’ fingers worked thoroughly through Sirius’ hair, thumbs massaging along his neck, and he made a point of planting kisses along Sirius’ chest, his shoulders, his mouth in the process of it. They rocked against each other like that, Sirius’ breathing reaching new heights altogether until Remus walked him back against the corner of the shower and dropped down onto his knees, his hands raking up Sirius’ thighs as his mouth wasted no time finding its way around his cock. Sirius took a moment to send a genuine thank you to the bathmat beneath Remus’ knees for facilitating this particular occurrence, and then promptly grabbed Remus’ head and curled his fingers tightly into his hair.

Not two minutes later found Remus back on his feet, the taste of Sirius on his lips as Sirius’ hand moved expertly between them in a valiant attempt to bring Remus an ounce of bliss he had just experienced. His attempt at full reciprocation was denied — something about preserving his knees for tomorrow — but if the noises coming out of Remus’ mouth were any indication at all, this was getting the job done all the same.

And he did get the job done, with Remus’ fingers digging into the side of his arse and the side of his waist as he muttered _ Sirius, Sirius, Sirius _against the crook of his neck, his entire body shaking all the way through it until he spilled into Sirius’ hand and was finally still again. 

The rest of the shower vacillated between languorous and playful, the two of them taking their time to regain their breath before using warm heavy limbs to clean each other under the warm stream of water. Lazy movements and slow kisses passed the time before Sirius deemed himself thoroughly exhausted and stepped out of the water to dry off first. 

“Bed?” Remus asked, taking his towel from Sirius’ outstretched hand before reaching it up to dry his hair a bit. 

Sirius gave out nothing but a lazy_ mhm _in response, taking approximately 15 seconds to push a comb through his hair before throwing his towel into the laundry and moving into the bedroom for a fresh pair of boxers. Remus emerged a moment later, a towel wrapped around his waist, and sat at the end of the bed expectantly. 

“Are you nervous for tomorrow?”

“I don’t get nervous,” Sirius laughed softly. “You seem more nervous that I do.”

Remus smiled. “I like being prepared. And I would be anxious about it, so no doubt I’m projecting something onto you.”

“You think?” he threw out, kissing Remus on the mouth for the hundredth time that day before moving to his side of the bed and crawling beneath the covers. “I’ve been training nonstop. _ And _ I am going to be well-rested, carbed up, and even sexually satiated for tomorrow. I am set up for success thanks to this magnificent teamwork here,” he concluded with a gesture between them.

“You are,” Remus agreed with a strong nod. “What time for the alarm tomorrow morning?”

“Let’s do 6, gives me time to eat before without running with a full stomach.”

“Got it,” Remus nodded back at Sirius before getting up to grab a pair of boxers of his own. “I have a few things to finish up before I come to bed, so I’ll be in the living room for a little while.”

“Alright,” Sirius murmured, turning over onto his side and closing his eyes as Remus turned out the lights in the bedroom. “See you in the morning.”

*****

Saturday morning did not get off to the smoothest start, not with Sirius waking up in a panic and flinging his arm at the perfect angle and acceleration that it smacked Remus right in the face.

“Fuck,” Remus groaned groggily, drawing the word out four times longer than it should be, and speaking it far louder than his first words in the morning were usually spoken.

Sirius turned quickly to find out what all the commotion was about, half awake with no sense of what had just transpired. And it only took a couple of seconds — what with Remus’ hand cradling his face — for Sirius to figure it out.

“I haven’t done that since final exams,” he remarked through a whisper.

Remus groaned something else inaudible.

“God I am glad this isn’t a final exam,” Sirius added with a laugh, knowing that most of Remus’ discomfort originated from being whacked awake moreso than the actual whack itself. “I’m sorry,” he muttered as he crawled his upper body to perch on Remus’, planting a few apologetic kisses onto whatever uncovered part of Remus’ face he could access.

Remus relented, removing his hands with one falling to his side while the other patted Sirius’ shoulder dutifully. “I’ll survive,” he managed to affirm, though adamantly _ not _moving to kiss Sirius back.

But that wouldn’t do, and Sirius kissed him smack on the mouth anyway. “I’m going to shower, then I’ll put some coffee on.”

“I’ve got the coffee,” Remus gave him a push and rolled over to maneuver his feet slowly onto the floor, sitting there for a moment as he looked back at Sirius. “And breakfast.”

Sirius ambled off the bed before heading in the direction of the shower, moving far quicker than Remus was, as tended to be the case during the earlier hours of the morning. “You can stay in bed longer if you want.”

“I’m not the one running today, and that in itself is solace enough,” Remus offered with a long overhead stretch. “The least I can do is fuel you for it.”

And fuel Sirius he did, with homemade oatmeal and a couple of scrambled eggs providing all of the macronutrients Sirius’ stomach could desire without being too heavy. Remus had also reserved a cab to pick them up for the short ride over to Victoria Park, and they arrived there a comfortable 45 minutes before Sirius even had to line-up.

“Thanks for coming with me early,” Sirius offered as he looked up from the side lunge he was holding. Remus — dressed in a pair of jeans, a sweater, and a windbreaker — stood out as one of the few people hanging around the park this early who was not actually participating in the race. “I’m sure this will be a long morning for you.”

Remus shrugged easily, bless his soul. “You know I love that little café around the corner. I brought a book,” he nodded to the bag he had set down by the tree. “The two hours will fly right on by.” And that was true. It was probably what Remus would be doing at home anyway.

“Will you still come with me early when I run a full marathon?” Sirius asked with a hopeful smile and raised eyebrows, even though he already knew the answer without a doubt.

“Of course, although I may bring two books for that occasion,” Remus laughed. He looked at Sirius with curiosity before asking, “Is that next?”

“I think so,” he answered decidedly. “I’m going to research one in Italy for after the school year ends. Are you up for making a whole vacation out of it?”

Remus’ eyes widened with surprise. “I would love that.”

Sirius hummed brightly through another stretch. “And then maybe one in Spain the next year. Or France or Switzerland?”

“I am a big fan of this trend,” Remus put out through a thoughtful breath.

“I thought you might be,” Sirius added happily, pulling out his phone to check the time. A text message distracted him for a moment, and he took ten seconds to shoot a quick response back.

“Caradoc?” Remus checked.

“Yep, he just got here,” Sirius supplied with a quick look around the landscape. “I told him we are by the tree.”

Remus swiveled around to take in the park, nondescript trees in every direction. “Helpful,” he deadpanned.

“He’ll find us,” Sirius said with a grin.

Remus hummed disbelievingly, but settled on a new topic, “Is he working tonight too?”

“Nope.” Sirius shook his head. “He has the entire weekend off.”

“Sounds like a great weekend,” Remus said with actual wistfulness. “Finish a good workout early Saturday morning and relax until Monday.”

“That is definitely your style,” Sirius supplied, well aware of how Remus’ routine on a normal weekend played out. Rarely any deviation, tried and true, productivity and then relaxation.

“It is,” Remus agreed.

“You two have a lot in common actually, I think you’d get along rea—“

“Stop,” Remus cut him off. It was resolute but there wasn’t any hostility there, Remus even maintained a small smile through the request.

Sirius bit his lip. “Too soon?”

Remus let out a laugh, but not because he thought it was funny. “It’s less of an issue of it being ‘too soon’ and more that I’m just too human for that.” Pause, and Remus took a breath. “I’m reasonable, I want you to have a friend, but there’s a line.”

“That’s fair,” Sirius hummed, content — and still a bit surprised — to find that the topic was not one that brought tension anymore. Remus had respected his choice to remain friends with Caradoc, and Sirius would respect how much or how little he wished to interact with the other man. “And one day I think I will have a reliable schedule too, where I will have full weekends off. Until then, I’ll just sleep when I can.”

Remus leaned back against the tree as Sirius moved through a hamstring stretch. “It will be nice when we can watch an entire episode of something without you falling asleep before the end.”

Sirius hummed. “Maybe you should start picking better shows then?” he quipped, biting down on his lower lip.

“Okay,” Remus drew out the word with a huff that brought a massive grin out of Sirius. “You know what, I take back what I said before, maybe I won’t accompany you to your next run.”

“Aw babe, don’t be embarrassed. I’m sure everybody falls down the reality trash TV rabbit hole every now and then.”

“I never should have told you,” Remus lamented as he ducked his head a bit in a strong dose of well-deserved shame.

“Everybody needs a little break from critical think—“

“It just _ happened_,” he laughed through it like a good sport. “You were gone and I was sad and the next thing I knew I was powerless to this trashy American musician. I hope it never happens again.”

“Hey guys,” Caradoc’s familiar voice rang out as he approached the two of them, pulling the two of them off of this nonsensical train of thought. “Hey Remus,” he nodded in Remus’ direction.

“Hey Caradoc,” Remus answered with an unbothered smile. “It’s good to see you again.”

“You too,” he supplied before turning to Sirius, taking a drink from one of the paper cups they were handing out around the park. “You having a good morning so far?”

“Perfection,” Sirius answered easily, pulling himself up into a full standing position before launching into a spirited discussion with Caradoc about music choices for the run and which synced up best with the pace they were going for.

“Hey, I’ll leave you guys to it,” Remus threw out during a lull in the conversation as he pushed himself off the tree.

“Okay,” Sirius answered with a smile. “I’ll see you in a couple hours then?”

“Of course,” he said before leaning over to kiss Sirius quickly. “Good luck guys.”

The two men replied happily at the sentiment as Remus grabbed his bag and turned away, moving in the direction of the café that was just a couple of blocks away. Sirius and Caradoc went through another round of stretches before they made their way to the starting line to assemble. Two minutes later, the sound of an airhorn started the race, and the two men set off to their agreed upon pace. The weather was not ideal, but that was almost a given since it was nearly November in London and the city was nearly in a perpetual state of drizzle. But Sirius loved the smell of rain and would take a bit of wetness over a hotter temperature any day of the week, so it only added to the experience.

The first couple of laps around the park were pleasant, a good warmup even, but as they started on lap four, running around the same path over and over again began to lose its luster. A rookie mistake, Sirius thought, to choose a half-marathon with a route that was six and a half times around the same circle, a mistake that he would not make again when signing up for future races. But today was more about getting the first one under his belt than about the scenery, and he kept that in the forefront of his mind as his running playlist and sheer acceptance spurred him on even more. He and Caradoc were pushing their pace a little faster than planned and passing the halfway mark gave him that special mental boost that would fuel him the rest of the way through.

And there was something about being in that mental place that he appreciated deeply, where he was totally alone with his thoughts while his body pushed powerfully through every stride. With nothing to do but sort through his thoughts — to release anger about his past or to be grateful for things in his life that had somehow managed to fall into place — it had a cleansing effect. There was nowhere else for his mind to run to, and as his body pushed through the discomfort of running, his mind did the same in its own way.

Sirius crossed the finish line feeling strong, accomplished, and pretty damn drenched from the mixture of light rain and heavy sweat that had settled onto his body during the last hour and 42 minutes. He sent a beaming smile in Caradoc’s direction, who had run right beside him the entire time, before walking further away from the finish line and scanning the crowd of umbrellas. His search was quickly cut short, however, as a large 13 stone man with wild dark hair jaunted towards him with an unmistakable gait and leapt right up and onto his body.

Sirius grunted, but managed to maintain his footing as he wondered how he had let a trend that had started in secondary school catch him so off guard. “Goddammit James,” he sputtered through laughter and exhaustion.

“You were gliding like a fucking swan,” James returned, brushing a lock of Sirius’ wet hair off of his forehead. An intimate gesture, but far from out of the ordinary. “I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.”

“And I appreciate that,” Sirius breathed heavily as he gave the other man’s arse a good pat, “but I am really lacking the strength to hold you up right at this moment.”

James gifted him with a kiss on the top of his head and hopped back off and onto the ground. Sirius looked over his shoulder to find Caradoc still close behind him and made quick work of introducing his two friends, the three of them walking forward to clear the finishing area for the hundred of other runners coming in behind them.

As soon as they had cleared the area, Sirius felt a hand grab his wrist and he whirled around to find Remus, holding his plain black umbrella above his head and wearing the most enthusiastic smile that Sirius had seen in some time.

“Hey,” Sirius greeted him, a bit of laughter in there for how ridiculously happy Remus looked — his joy even outshining Sirius’ own.

“You made it!” he exclaimed, pulling Sirius in for a hug under the umbrella, adorably undeterred by Sirius’ current physical state. “And you made it look so easy at the end there.”

“Did I?” Sirius laughed, breathing still heavy. “I was just desperate to cross the finish line.” He placed a quick kiss just below Remus’ ear and Remus squeezed his waist in return.

James hummed in agreement. “I got loads of pictures to commemorate it,” he threw out, to which Remus gave a delighted sound of approval and Caradoc a yelp of laughter.

“That’s just…” Caradoc started, and paused for a laugh again as he waved a hand in the air. “That’s just really sweet. And it’s so obviously your first organized race.”

Sirius laughed without shame at the point. “I’ll enjoy the luster while it lasts.”

“Yeah, no, it’s great,” he motioned at the three of them before placing his hand back on his hip. “And I get the feeling they’ll keep showing up no matter how many races you run,” he guessed correctly, and then laughed again at James and Remus’ bewildered expressions, revealing that no other option existed for them when it came to Sirius. Cheerleaders for life, it seemed. “It’s great. You deserve it.”

“I’m in awe of you both, especially with the training program you put together,” Remus broke in to say to Caradoc, and boy did Sirius love him for it. “I hope you have some plans for your celebration this weekend, even if this isn’t exactly new for you.”

“Thanks mate,” Caradoc said, pulling up his shirt in an attempt to wipe the sweat off of his face. “I’ve got a friend coming into London today, so I’m sure we’ll go out tonight,” he assured Remus. And then another thought a beat later, “I’m actually going to do a couple of stretches and then head back to get my place guest-ready before it’s too late. But thanks for this Sirius, and I hope you all enjoy the weekend.”

Sirius and Remus sent out their respective goodbyes, with a mangled “it was nice to meet you” from James thrown in there too, before Caradoc walked away and Sirius finally registered that there was one very important member of their group missing.

“Where is Lily?” Sirius asked, feeling a flash of concern that she had not been feeling up to the outing that morning.

“She’s here,” the both of them answered in unison as Remus folded up his umbrella. There was still a bit of drizzle, but not enough to warrant use of it any longer. “She watched you finish and then found a good spot for us to hang around to talk, away from the crowds and all,” Remus explained as James led the way towards the supposed meeting spot, bobbing his shoulders all the way.

A minute of walking and it wasn’t difficult to spot Lily as she jogged forward to meet the three of them, looking almost too vibrant for her rainy surroundings while wearing a pair of yellow wellies and a bright green raincoat. Her fist pumped in the air as a celebratory salute as she beelined straight for Sirius, red hair tucked under a green hood, one girl and a rainbow of colors. 

“Hey Lils,” Sirius stepped forward with arms outstretched, eager to envelope the woman he had only seen one time in the last three months. Three months that had brought her from barely showing to now at nearly full-term in her pregnancy. But she had other ideas as she expertly dodged his embrace, ducking under his arms with a swiftness that was beyond impressive for someone who was growing a tiny human inside of her. 

“I love you hon, but I don’t know if I love you enough for 21 kilometers worth of sweat,” she declared sweetly as a hand gestured over his body. 

Sirius let out a sound of faux-offense, and in case he might actually be pained, James threw out a much appreciated _ no amount of sweat could ever stop my love for you_. But Lily’s preference was more than reasonable, and Sirius settled on a brief side hug as she filled him in on all of the important details that he had been missing due to his busy schedule. 

“So potato chips and marshmallows?” Sirius confirmed with a seriousness that was usually only ever reserved for his time with patients. “Together? Do I have that right?”

“Yes,” Lily nodded sincerely. 

“And the marshmallows are melted?” Sirius asked with careful calculation, receiving an immediate nod in confirmation. Sirius inhaled for a moment as he collected his thoughts, scratching his nose in the process. “I’ve seen worse,” he settled on resolutely as James let out a _ pssshh _ full unbridled disbelief. 

“He has seen some real shit,” Remus came to his aid with a tone that one might use after emerging from battle. 

“What could possibly be weirder?” James challenged him, popping one hip out to _ really _emphasize his skepticism. 

“Try mashed potatoes, and...” Sirius paused for effect, “caramel sauce.”

“_ No_,” Lily put forth with disgust, this pregnancy food combination even too much for her. James, on the other hand, wore a face that could be _ the _ illustration for intrigue _ . _

“Now granted, I didn’t actually see her eat that. She just mentioned it to me during her ultrasound,” Sirius recalled from his brief rotation in obstetrics, “but her boyfriend confirmed, so I think it holds up?”

James let out a breath of deliberation. “I’ll allow it,” he conceded with a tinge of sadness, but a moment later he perked up. “Lily I think maybe you sh–”

“No.”

He tipped his chin up. “But what if she was onto something?” he posed.

“You’re welcome to try it,” she responded, and the pure stupidity of the conversation paired with the placid grin on Lily’s face brought Sirius into full-on laughter.

James launched into some response about how he _ just might do exactly that_, when Sirius’ gaze traveled beyond Lily, back to the tree she had been standing under, and froze in the process when he realized that there were two other familiar faces just behind Lily, gazing brightly in his direction as they watched the interactions of the group. He blinked in confusion as he looked over to Remus for an answer.

“Your parents are here?”

Remus reworked his mouth around a smile. “Are they?” he feigned like a champ.

A huff. “What are they doing here?”

“It’s an important day. They wanted to be here,” Remus supplied as though this was common knowledge. “So they drove in early this morning.”

But it was far from common knowledge, and Sirius could not hide his surprise at hearing the news. He shot Remus the best look of incredulity he could muster — but only for a split second — and then put it all aside as he approached the two of them, moving towards Hope first, who was smiling at him with an affection that he had never seen before.

“Sirius, congratulations,” she said as she really went for it and pulled him in for a hug, bless her poor heart.

“Thanks Hope,” he said with apology. And then with a small shake of his head, “You’re both here,” he laughed once the embrace had ended and he moved to shake Lyall’s hand. “Remus didn’t even tell me.”

She breathed out a laugh. “Remus thought it might be a nice surprise for you? I hope that it is.”

Sirius felt his heart grow one whole size right there. “It’s a great surprise.”

Lyall coughed a bit as his eyes flickered away from Sirius for one second before landing back on him again. “Well there is a little more to it actually,” he added in.

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows and only looked away from Lyall briefly as Remus took both of Sirius’ hands in his own.

“Sirius,” Remus said in an attempt to get his attention.

“What?” Sirius turned to him quickly, still more interested in hearing what Lyall had to say about whatever had inspired them to make a quick weekend trip to London unannounced.

“Sirius,” Remus repeated, with an undeniable purpose in his voice this time.

And it hit him. Hope and Lyall. James and Lily. His hands wrapped around Sirius’ as he spoke his name like _ that. _“Oh God.” Sirius muttered with wide eyes, having no problem keeping his focus on Remus now. Because now he knew, and he did not want to miss a single second of it.

“Sirius,” Remus continued with a light laugh, the absolute picture of calm and composure, “I met you six years at a time in my life when I thought everything was as good as it was going to get. I had the career that I wanted and was content in the little isolated bubble that I lived in. And then you pushed your way into my life — and I do mean ‘pushed’ with the highest amount of appreciation there is — and well,” Remus paused for a small shrug, which was good because Sirius needed a moment to breath out something akin to a laugh, “now none of that would mean anything at all without you. I realized that a little while ago, and you know how strongly I believe in the importance of recognizing your soul’s match once you find it.”

Sirius blinked, finding it all completely surreal. “I always hoped that would apply to more than just chocolate gelato.”

Remus laughed. “It has never applied to anything more than it applies to you,” he answered with soft conviction. “I never want to be with anybody else,” he continued softly, his eyes never breaking away from Sirius’ as he shifted down onto one knee, one hand still holding tightly onto Sirius’ as his other moved into his back pocket to pull out a small box.

Sirius felt frozen, could hear the beating of his heart in his chest. It made all the sense in the world that this was happening — hell, Sirius had even brought it up the night prior — and yet, it was impossible to wrap his mind around. He knew that a massive smile was plastered on his face, even if he was too numb to feel it, and he remained quiet and allowed Remus to continue on – partly to allow Remus to complete what was already a perfect moment, and partly because he wasn’t sure he could even speak at all.

“Sirius, my life is better every single day that you are in it, even on the days that aren’t so easy for us. It has been like that from the moment that we met, even if it took me a while to recognize it. There is nobody in the world I would rather watch get gelato, or hummus, or ketchup all over his face—“

“Oh for the love of God—“ Sirius started, magically able to form a sentence once again.

“And there is nobody else I would rather watch continue to grow beside me for the rest of my life,” Remus cut him off, all sincerity again. “You have made me realize that there is no limit to how happy I can be and an amount of vibrancy to my life than I never thought possible. I want to be there when you need support, and you are the one person I want by my side when I need it too.” 

Remus paused a moment before he flipped the box open with his thumb, revealing a classic platinum ring inside. “Sirius, will you marry me?”

A small group of spectators had inevitably begun to gather around them, and combined with the Potters and the Lupins, the two men had a small audience of their very own. Later that day, Sirius would reflect on how far outside of Remus’ comfort zone that was, but in the moment it was completely irrelevant. Because despite the hundreds of people in the park, Sirius felt like he and Remus were the only two people in all of London.

“Of course I will,” Sirius spoke straight to him as Remus maneuvered his left hand so that he could slide the ring onto Sirius’ finger before he stood back up. He used both of his hands to cup Sirius’ face, and they kissed each other soundly, as though nobody was watching.

Sirius was out of his element. He was soggy and sweaty and beginning to feel the exhaustion set in, and yet all he really felt was an eruption of warmth and joy throughout his entire body unlike one he had ever known before. It took a couple of seconds, but he eventually regained enough awareness for his surroundings that he registered the noises of celebration taking place around them.

“Oh my God,” Sirius laughed breathily against Remus after they had pulled away just enough where Sirius could speak. “I cannot believe you did this in public.”

“Are you happy about it?” Remus asked, just as quietly.

“I’m so happy,” Sirius supplied as his arms reached around Remus’ neck and pulled him closer again. Remus squeezed him harder around the waist, lifting him up a bit in the process as he smiled against Sirius’ skin.

“I thought you might like it around the people who love you the most. And the people who support us.”

And it only took that for Sirius to remember the other people around him, and he couldn’t believe it took him that long with all of the hooting and clapping coming from the direction of one very loud man by the name of James Potter.

As soon as Sirius took one step away from Remus, Hope was right next to him, reaching for him. She took hold of both his hands, just like Remus had a minute earlier. He braced himself a bit, because unlike with Remus, he had no idea where this was going to go. 

“I’m so happy that we could be here for this,” she told him.

“It means a lot to me,” he spoke without thinking, surprising himself along the way and finding that this was something he had no idea he had wanted until it happened. “I’m happy you could be here too.”

“Lyall and I would truly like to put in the effort to get to know you better,” she spoke directly, without hesitation, and there was no question where Remus got his composure from. 

“A lot better,” Lyall chimed in as he made his way to Hope’s side. “You make Remus happier than I have ever seen him, and we would be foolish to not love you for that alone.”

Hope nodded. “That’s right. He was never somebody who was sad a lot; he was always reliably even-keeled and moderate. We never had to worry about him, he was so good at making himself happy. And then he met you,” she paused, putting out a wistful shrug, “and he turned into somebody new completely. Everything he did was more joyful, like every good trait of his had been enhanced — from the way he spoke about art to even the way he spoke about himself,” she explained as Sirius worked hard to simply regulate his breathing.

“I think it took us both a while to put this together…” she continued on with an audible tinge of regret, “but that whole transformation wasn’t just because he built the life he wanted or because he had reached a certain age. It was because of you. You came in and his soul lit up. And I always thought that the Remus I knew before you came along was wonderful, but it’s so clear that who he is with you is who he has always wanted to be.”

Sirius blinked in quick succession, only feeling grounded to the earth by Remus' hand that laid securely on the outside of his hip.

“So we just want to say, unequivocally, welcome to our family,” Lyall started up now, and Sirius wasn’t sure his heart could take anymore. “We know that Remus couldn’t be happier, and as parents, that’s the greatest thing we could ever ask for.”

A long pause. And then, “Oh no,” was all that Sirius could say in response. And Remus pulled him closer as he laughed beside him. Because he knew, the bastard knew.

“What is it?” Lyall asked with concern lining his eyes.

Sirius used his shirt to wipe down the entirety of his face as Remus, the true humanitarian that he is, generously explained that Sirius was now crying in public.

Sirius laughed into his shirt, clearly seeing the humor in the situation, and took one long breath before revealing his face again, mumbling something about the last couple of days being emotional enough to last an entire lifetime.

“I’m so upset that I have to work this afternoon,” he put out through a laugh, voice clearer again. “How long are the two of you staying in London?”

“A couple of days,” Hope replied with a touch of his shoulder. “We have time.”

“Good,” he said, sending his future in-laws a smile before turning to James and Lily. “Did you two know about this?” he asked with feeling, to James in particular.

“Remus told us when we got here this morning. Really put it off until the last moment, mate,” he shot a thumbs up in Remus’ direction. “Surprised us all really.”

Remus shook his head with a laugh. “I didn’t even know I was going to do it until last night, but I think it worked out for the best.”

“What?” Sirius whipped his head around in curiosity. “Really?”

“Really. I mean, I had been planning on it for months actually,” he admitted. “Which is why I had the ring. I was going to do it in Prague, but then last night you brought it up—“

“Is that why you looked so alarmed?” Sirius broke in.

“That’s exactly why,” Remus confirmed. 

Sirius released one loud laugh. “And there I was, thinking that you wanted to steer as far away from the topic as possible because you were suddenly commitment-averse.”

“No,” Remus said with emphasis, as though Sirius hadn’t realized that by now. “I couldn’t believe you were talking about it and I don’t know… I knew I needed to do it sooner, with people who matter. You have always been the one to do the big gestures for me and I didn’t want you to beat me to it now that you had the idea in your head. This one needed to be from me. So I got in touch with my parents, and thankfully they were up for a very last minute trip to London, and well, here we are.”

Sirius looked over at Hope and Lyall, who were now engaged in a conversation with James and Lily, which graciously gave him and Remus a small and necessary moment of privacy.

“You must have talked to them,” Sirius posed the question quietly. “They’ve never been like this with me before.”

“I did,” Remus confirmed with a little apprehension, and paused until Sirius raised his eyebrows for more elaboration. “But it wasn’t just because of me,” he continued. “They’ve known this was coming for a month now, and we had a couple conversations about my expectations from them. They were receptive and they _ wanted _ to be involved, which I’m so happy about obviously.”

A nod. “I’m really happy about that too, for your sake. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on that.”

“You’re not going to miss out on it either,” Remus raised softly. “Something clicked into place as soon as I seriously brought up marriage. They are excited.” 

And Sirius decided to take his word on that. “It’s perfect,” he muttered softly, his eyes searching Remus’ face as he really truly took in the moment.

“Good.” Remus leaned against him, his forehead laying against Sirius’ as his hand moved to play with the new ring on Sirius’ finger, “For me too.”

“Even though I look like I just crawled out of the swamps?” Sirius asked with a somewhat accusatory look that Remus could not help but laugh at. But Remus just wrapped his free hand around Sirius and pulled him in closer to prove how little he was deterred – no amount of sweat or grime was going to keep him away apparently, and that was not a thought that Sirius minded, not one bit.

“You actually belong in a Reebok ad or something, it’s not right,” Remus admired, going in for a quick kiss at the corner of Sirius’ mouth. “And even if you did just crawl out of a swamp, I’d get down on my knee and propose all over again, because you are it for me and I don’t want to wait another day longer.”

Sirius smiled, brushing a bit of wet fringe out of Remus’ face in return. It would take him a while to fully appreciate that he was about to spend the rest of his life with the man he had fallen in love with from the first moment they had spoken in a cafe that Sirius had walked into to take shelter from a rainstorm. A man who had challenged Sirius’ view of love, turned it upside down, and then replaced it with something that made him feel more complete than he had ever thought possible. 

It was surreal, but they had earned it, the two of them together. And even if Sirius couldn’t fully comprehend how they had both gotten so lucky to find each other once, and then to find each other all over again a couple of years later... nothing in his life had ever made so much sense, and it was something that he was never going to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/quoththethestral)


End file.
